Feel the Light
by diamondisis
Summary: Sometimes Depression is more then just depression
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

As far as Brooke Meriwheather can remember, she has never in her whole 24 years of life suffered from Depression, nor has she ever had a family history of it. She has had some down times just like everyone else has. She can't say she's immune to sadness, she's not inhuman after all. But what she is experiencing now?

This is not just a normal sadness. This is something completely different a completely different animal. It is a deep despair like nothing she has ever experienced. It didn't come on gradually either it came on very sudden like a pile of heavy bricks pounding her over the head. Literally one day she was fine and the next day, boom! And after that it never stopped being like that. The days just kept dragging by but it felt like she was going nowhere.

It started around the holiday season maybe a little bit after Thanksgiving so she thought it was probably just the holiday blues which is a bit weird in of it's self because usually she does not get holiday blues

When the holiday season ended, she figured it must be nothing more than end of the holiday blues which was never like her either and she realized that was actually kind of a stupid thing to think because it obviously started before the holiday season, but she figured she had to put some kind of a name to it.

As the days progressed and days became weeks and weeks became months she sunk deeper and deeper into a hole and that sealed it, it couldn't possibly be holiday blues or after holiday blues.

It is April now and it's just as bad if not worse. Worse yet is the fact that she has no idea what's caused it. She knows it's mean to think this but she doesn't have anything to be sad about, she knows it sounds mean but it's true she really doesn't have anything to be sad about, she has good friends a boyfriend who she's been with for two years and a job that suits her really well. Nothing particularly bad has happened to her leading up to it.

She supposes there a lot of people who suffer from Depression who have all of those things and are still depressed. Just one gigantic problem. She is not one of those people. She doesn't suffer from depression if she did have a history she wouldn't be so hard on herself, but since she doesn't she's disgusted with herself.

Her boyfriend Hank who she have just moved in with over the summer and her are watching the TV when an add comes on. It is for an anti depressant called Trintilex, until now she hasn't really been paying much attention to anti depressant TV ads she is so naive about anti depressants that she is not sure if it is an old drug or a new drug. She really has no reason to be paying any kind of attention to anti depressants, why should she if depression has never been a problem for her? What else should they be if not completely off her radar? And now that she has sudden Depression she's been trying to just ignore it and go on about her every day life, maybe that way if she pretends it's not there and if she doesn't make a big deal of it, it will go away on it's own. Obviously that doesn't work and obviously it hasn't been working. The commercial is really intriguing.

Mesmorizing in fact. It shows people going around with a jumble of different colored scribbles above their head which is supposed to represent a tangled mess of thoughts. You can not have straight thoughts when you are depressed, when you are depressed you're thinking is constantly a jumbled colorful mess of scribbles. It speaks to her. It totally speaks to her, since late November she hasn't been able to think a straight thought not only that but she have also been feeling dizzy, foggy and lightheaded she doesn't know if that's a symptom to depression or if there is something else going on. She hasn't really been so interested in anything since then it is the first time in a long time she has been so intrigued by anything. As the commercial continues the tangled mess becomes less and less tangled until all that appears over the spokes person's head is a straight blue line and it continues to intrigue her. "oh my god" She suddenly finds herself saying, "I got to have that drug" Hank suddenly turns down the volume and stares at her. "What's the matter?" He asks legit surprised. Astonished. It becomes very clear to Brooke that she has been doing a really really good job of faking that nothing is wrong enough that she would possibly resort to drugs, (she has never taken any perscription drugs before in her life unless of course you count Roofilin)

"Huh?" She asks. "That's an anti depressant" He says, "Why would you want something like that? What's wrong?" Maybe part of it is that she's been putting on a really good show, but maybe another big part of it is that Hank just doesn't get it, because he's a guy and a pretty socially inept guy at that.

Her eyes start to fill with tears. "Because I'm really depressed snu'uh" she find myself saying. They are silent for a while "Are you all right? He asks after a while. Obviously she's not all right obviously she's really depressed. Isn't that what she just said? Sometimes he just really doesn't know how to person in certain situations and this is clearly one of them.

Brooke's eyes fill with tears which soon start rolling delicately down her cheeks. She suddenly starts sobbing really really hard. Bawling. Wailing it is the first time she has allowed herself to have a really good cry in front of another person. The only time she can allow myself to cry is when she's completely alone which is very rare since she hardly ever gets any time to herself. This is definitely not the same as sobbing quietly into her pillow which she does every night. It is not that she is robbed of tears or anything, she obviously has enough tears to literally soak her pillow every night which makes her cry more because sleeping on a wet pillow is so damn uncomfortable. But she does not ever get the pleasure of sobbing and wailing loudly which is what she's been really needing to do. She can't. Not when other people are around. People think she is happy and she is always around people.

For some reason ever since she started to become depressed she has started to become more social then usual, she thinks it is mostly a way to cover up the fact that she is depressed. A lot of people isolate when they're depressed Brooke does exactly the opposite, she always tries to do stuff with friends, always goes to parties and concerts even if it exhausts her. She realizes that she is quite a bit less talkative then usual and that maybe people don't notice that because she's never been very talkative. She has always been a person of very few words and now a person of even fewer words. She has gone from being a person of few words to just plain mute really.

She thinks the big reason for this is because her identical twin sister Paige has always done all the talking for the two of them from day one well since Paige learned to talk any way, and that meant Brooke never really got a chance to speak up. Paige never shuts up, she always has something to say. her mouth is basically moving 24:7. Brooke is almost positive that if she ever fell into a state of depression she'd get even more talkative, although she's not sure why she thinks that, maybe it is because she is as talkative as Brooke is un talkative. They are polar opposites that way.

Brooke never has much to say but now she has even less to say. Whenever they get together Paige would answer for both of them. If someone asked her how she was doing it would always be Paige who would jump in and answer for her, while Brooke would shyly just nod along. At restaurants Paige would order for her even if it was something Brooke didn't even want. She's calmed down a lot since then mostly that was just something she's done when they were kids. (At least that thing she's done at the restaurant) their mom has always said she just couldn't help herself it was a dominance thing. Paige is 3 minutes older then Brooke and for some reason she thinks that gives her license to behave like she is 3 years older then her, another one of her favorite passed times is bossing her around. They have a system. Paige tells Brooke what to do and Brooke does it, it's the only way they can get along. It's worked for 24 years. Paige is basically more mature then Brooke in most ways and why shouldn't she be she is three minutes older, she has been on the planet three minutes longer which makes her three minutes wiser.

There is one thing that Brooke can most definitely brag about however and that is the fact that she is and has always been the more sexually mature of the two. She was the first one to lose her virginity (Paige still hasn't lost her's as far as Brooke knows. Brooke on the other has always had a reputation for sleeping around with people) She has had more boyfriends more than she can count, Paige has had maybe 2 and they didn't work out for more than one date. Brooke is also way better at flirting, Paige couldn't flirt if she tried. Brooke also has a steady boyfriend which Paige has never had of course. The thing about flirting is she doesn't have to be especially talkative to do it. She can use my lips for other purposes. She always has and it's gotten her lot's of places

Also Brooke can brag about the fact that she is a magipath and Paige is not. She has the power to feel peoples Auras, she has even made a business out of it, which has been pretty damn successful she has even come up with a cute little code name for myself which is B'Dazzle. Lately however whenever she tries to feel people's Auras it isn't as sharp as it used to be, a lot of times all she get is static and she has to concentrate really hard even though it used to be something that just came naturally to her. Some days she get's absolutely nothing whatsoever. On days like that she suffers from extreme headaches causing her to see over whelming bright lights in front of her vision. Prior to those couple of days before late November she used to especially love feeling the Auras of young children, she as a matter a fact majored in early child care and had worked as an Au Pair for many years (Which is also something she can most certainly brag about, Paige has always been terrible with children) but lately kids are just irksome and disgusting to her with their shrill voices and sticky fingers, runny noses and annoying tantrums. For a while she couldn't wait to have kids of her own but now the idea nauseates her. She supposes she should mention that another thing that came naturally to her is sex.

She used to be hypersexual so it was/is more then just a little bit shocking that she has become completely asexual in her state of depression. It's a scary feeling. She's been asking for sex every night, not just asking going out of my way to beg for it, but sex is painful, not only is it uncomfortable it literally hurts. Maybe she really is putting on a good show. Maybe the best god damn show ever. For all she knows maybe Hank thinks that she's even more hypersexual then usual because that is the way she has been presenting herself. She wishes that were true.

She gives him a shove. "No you dweeb" she says through deep chested sobs. "No I'm not all right. I just said I was depressed didn't I?" Silence once again silence. Crickets. "Oh uh right" He says. He's not good at this. "What's the matter?" He asks stroking his hands through one of her twisted pigtails. And god was she ever dreading that question. How is she supposed to answer it? What is I supposed to say? She knows about as much as he does which is absolutely nothing. "I don't know" She says, "I would say I have clinical depression but I don't no one in my family does"

"You don't have it?" He asks. "I've Never had it before" she says, "Not until these last 6 months" "It's been that long?" He asks. She nods as she lets the tears run down her cheeks. "But this drug, this drug looks like it's a miricle drug that commercial really speaks to me Hank. I totally feel like all my thoughts are jumbled together, I can't keep a straight thought anymore. Could we try it please please please?" "You'd probably have to speak with a psychiatrist." He says. Oh god no. she thinks to herself. The idea of talking to a psychiatrist just kills her absolutely kills her. As far as Brooke knows psychiatrists are for crazy people. But maybe she is crazy. Maybe it's crazy of her to think that she would rather not take the drug at all then have to see a psychiatrist. no she tells myself, she can not stand to suffer another second of this, she deserves much better.

"Is there a way I could take the perscription without seeing a psychiatrist?" she asks.

"No" Hank says, "But you know what Brooke if you've been depressed for so long you need to talk to someone anyway."

"You mean like a head doctor?" she asks. "That really might not be a bad idea" He says. "I just really want my life back" she wails and bursts into fresh shrill tears.

"I've been just pretending to be happy I've been pretending that nothings wrong and I hate it. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of everything. Everything's wrong, everything sucks. But what else could I have done? I felt I needed to pretend"

"Why did you feel you needed to pretend?" Hank asks. She feels so bad for putting him into this awkward situation. He just seems so stiff and maybe. Maybe like he can't deal with her in this situation, and maybe that is why she has to pretend that she is happy, "It's stupid" She cries tossing a couch pillow across the floor. It's so stupid, it's so god damn fucking stupid."

Now her tears of sadness have transformed themselves into tears of rage. "I thought if I ignored it, it would magically disappear on it's own. I thought if I acted happy if I pretended to be happy then maybe I would be, I really thought I could talk myself out of it, I thought if I wrote stupid notes to myself every day that said have a good day, how was it possible not to have a good day?" That had been something she had been doing. She had even gone so far as to write it in perminant marker on the little hand mirror she kept in the drawer every day. Hank still doesn't know what to say. Eventually she is all cried out. Maybe she has cried out all my tears who knows eventually she is just all dried up. They sit on the couch in silence. Usually Hank does all the talking in their relationship usually he is a real chatty Cathy, it has been that way for the whole two years they knew each other but it seems especially true these days, maybe he has been noticing that she is mute these days but he doesn't connect that to the depression or whatever this nonsense is

"So It's been going on for 6 months now?" He asks. She nods vigorously. "Yeah it happened a couple days after Thanksgiving, maybe like December 3rd" "What happened?" He asks "What?"

"On the Third of December what happened? I mean something must have happened."

"No No No No No No NO!" she snaps,"Have you not been listening to a single word I said? Nothing happened. Nothing god damnit. Not a god damn thing" "I don't understand why you're yelling" He says, he too is starting to raise his voice "I'm just trying to help you. You're trying to figure out why you're depressed right?" "Why did something have to happen? Isn't it possible that I'm sad for no reason? Why can't you just think I'm depressed because I have depression?"

"Um maybe because you said you didn't" He says "I did not say that" she says adimentally folding my arms across my chest. "Yes you did, you said you didn't suffer from clinical depression and neither did your family you said that earlier. Brooke are you okay?" "Yeah why wouldn't I be?" she asks, "Because you didn't remember something you just said like a couple seconds ago" He says. She blinks a couple times. "Oh my god" She says. Just like that the tears are back. Full blown tears. So much for thinking that she was all dried up that is most certainly not the case. She is sobbing deep chestedly

They are silent again after a long while. They just watch the news. She's not even really paying attention to going on. The President is up to something or other. Boring. Everything is just boring. Politics are boring. Reading Aura's is boring, Hank is boring, her friends are boring. There was only one thing she finds interesting and that is Trintilex. She hopes to see the commercial again but there is no such luck. Finally Hank breaks the silence he grabs on gently to her hand. "Are you going to be all right babe?" He asks. "I have no clue" She says. "What do you mean you have no clue?" "I don't know" She is angry again filled with rage.

"Maybe I mean I have no clue as in every day I think I'm going to get better but it never happens, it's been six months" She wonders if he's ever seen the hand mirror in their top drawer. If he has. So what? It probably means absolutely nothing to him. Writing have a good day in perminent marker on a hand mirror could mean absolutely anything maybe he just thought she was being weird maybe just a bit quirky. "I think this looks like the best anti depressant in the world" "Maybe you should start with something milder like maybe prozac" He suggests, he figures that if she hasn't ever had depression before then this has got to be her first anti depressant. She is absolutely disgusted by that idea. She gives him a long hard scowl. She doesn't want to start with something milder she is completely sold on the idea of Trintilex with it's spell binding commercial. Then she realizes something. Maybe one anti depressant wouldn't be enough maybe she needs more maybe she needs all the anti depressants in the world. "Well maybe I should take both, the highest dosage of both" She says.

"I wouldn't" Hank says. He knows quite a bit more about depression and about anti depressants then he does. He has a great uncle who suffers from Clinical Depression who has had some pretty bad experiences with taking multiple anti depressants just with anti depressants in general for that matter. As it turned out for him more was actually less also the drugs did not work because he was taking so many they canceled each other out. "Why not?" She asks folding her arms across her chest. "I'm so sad I haven't been thinking clearly I want my life back I'm tired of it. I'm just so tired of all of it."

"Because Brooke" Hank says, "If you haven't taken an anti depressant before and start with more then one it could be really dangerous" "What do you know about that?" she asks folding her arms across her chest. "A lot actually" He explains. "My great uncle has Clinical Depression. He takes about maybe five different anti depressants" "He must be like the happiest man alive" She says seeming very much awe struck, obviously the conversation has gone right over her head. "Obviously not" Hank says. "How could he not be?" She asks, "He has five different anti depressants" "Yeah well that's really not how it works" Hank says. "It's much better to just stick with one. After he tapered off his pills and the doctor took off one at a time he started to see a huge difference in his mood. Also there's this thing called the black box warning" "The black box warning what are you talking about?" She asks. "A lot of anti depressants even the really mild ones like prozac have suicidal thoughts and worsening of depression listed as one of the side effects especially for people under 25 you're 24 god damnit that most definitely applies to you." This makes no sense to Brooke. None of it. Aren't anti depressants supposed to help with depression? Aren't they supposed to make a person feel better? Why on earth would they cause a person to feel worse? She wonders. "What are you talking about that's absurd" she protests He shrugs. "Well yeah yes it is" He says, "But it's true. And I think the chances of that might be even worse if you were to take more then one at a time does that make sense?" It really doesn't nothing about that concept makes a lick of sense to her.

"Okay fine" She agrees "So less is more, well then if I have to pick one I'm going to go with Trintilex" Hank doesn't want to argue with her. Usually she is not argumentive. Usually she is very mild mannered and has never been one to pick fights but now it seems like that is what she is doing. "All right fine" He says, "But you should probably start on a low dosage" She doesn't want to hear what he thinks, if anyone should be telling her how much to take it should be a psychiatrist, but if she had her way she would want to be the one to decide how much she took and she wanted to take the highest ammount possible. But obviously it wasn't up to her. "You going to bed?" Hank asked, "I can't sleep I'm not tired" She hadn't been able to sleep for the last six months. She was always tired but never sleepy tired. Irritible tired. Tired of life tired. "Would you like something for sleep? Some Halcion maybe" She asks. He has suffered from insomnia his whole life and can't sleep without it. "Sure" She says. "I'd like that. I'd really like that" He goes upstairs and get's her one of his pills. He hopes one isn't too much for her. He knows that she has never taken perscription medications before and also has a really tiny frame. She is petite. One might be one two many. He shrugs it off. She'll probably be fine if anything she'll just get a really good night of sleep.

"Here you are" He says handing her an oval blue pill and a tall glass of water. She pops the pill into an her mouth and washes it down with the water. "Well I'm going to bed" Hank says, "You should probably too" "In a little bit she says" She flips open her lap top and types in the word Trintelex. As she is scrolling down something especially interesting catches her eye. Reviews from customers. She reads the first review

I used to be really pessimistic a real downer, but since I started taking Trintelex I am a completely new person I am now optimistic about everything and cheerful all the time.

The reviewer gave the product five stars. That would have been enough to sell her but she can't get her eyes off the screen. This is fascinating to her. another person writes about how their mother died and how the drug helped them deal with it. Brooke wishes she had a good reason like that to be depressed. She does not by any means wish her mother was dead, she just wishes she had some sort of reason or something even resembeling a reason anything at all would be fine she scrolls down at some of the other posts one person was depressed because their favorite TV program was over another person because they were criticized at work another person because they didn't have a crush on a fictional character anymore those were all very stupid reasons but they were reason's none the less. She tries to think back to when it all started but as always she can't find anything.

Maybe something had happened further back. She thought about Thanksgiving. Paige had come from the big city of San Fransisco to visit the relitively small town of East Lansing Michigan. Paige had always, always talked about moving out of the state to some big city ever since she was a little girl. She has always hated East Lansing with a passion and has always wanted to get the furthest away from there as possible.

Brooke of course was always the opposite. To her East Lansing was just perfect. All her friends were in East Lansing all of her favorite shops, restaurants and hangouts were in East Lansing, It was her home and that was where she wanted to stay, she had never been super interested in expanding her small horizon and why should she have been it was perfect how it was. Paige of course was a different story. Paige was never happy where she was and as far as Brooke is concerned she's still not happy where she is although she did accomplish her life long goal of moving exactly 2,367 miles and 3,809 Kilometers from home. Although it is a long distance it's not long enough for her. If she really wanted to she could have moved to Alaska or Hawaii or maybe even another country if she wanted. Still she had always come out to visit the family for Thanksgiving because she really has no one else to spend it with sadly enough .

It is always the Thanksgiving Holiday never Christmas. She always buys a plain ticket, she can afford it she makes a lot of money off of what she does working as a sales representive for Mary Kay beauty supply. During the Christmas season Paige is always completely swamped with work which is why she never comes out, usually that is the time when she is going on tour with her business. Paige had left on the 2nd of December. Was Brooke missing Paige? That couldn't be. Paige came and left every year and if anything Brooke had always been relieved to see her go. The whole family was. The rule about fish and visitors always applied to Paige and this year was no exception. At the dinner which was held at their parents house she was exceptionally bossy. She was always bossy of course but Thanksgiving always brought out the worst in her. It is a known fact that Thanksgiving always brings out the worst behavior in people and that was definitely true for Paige. "Brooke good lord that's way too big a portion" She had said when Brooke took too big of a portion or what Paige thought was too big of a portion of her all time favorite side dish baked spinach with Guyere.

"Put like half of that back their are seven other people here who want to eat too you know Do you think you could do that?" That year Brooke's family and Hank's family had gotten together for Thanksgiving "Sure" Brooke said meekly, her flaws were also a lot worse on Thanksgiving she was even more of a doormat on that holiday if that was at all possible. Paige probably wouldn't boss her around so much if she hasn't been making it so god damn easy for her she is so easy to boss around but Brooke can't help it. She is a pushover and the idea of standing up to Paige is scary to her.

Brooke did as she was told and put half of it back. "On second thought" Paige said, "Don't put it back now no one's going to want to touch it, it's got your germs all over it. That is so gross Brooke. You're going to have to take it now. You shouldn't have taken such a big helping in the first places" "Sorry" Brooke had said "Yeah well you should be" Paige said. "Paige!" Their mother said. "Back off! Chill the hell out" Nancy Meriwhether is one of those cool mom's who liked to act as both a mother and a friend a lot of times more like a friend. She has passed on the power of feeling Aura's to Brooke which may have been why they had such a good relationship. She is Brooke's mom but she is also Brooke's friend Nancy. Her much much much older friend that is. When the two of them went out in public people could have easily assumed they were just really good friends and not mother and daughter. Because Nancy is her friend Brooke has never referred to her as Mom, she has been calling her Nancy since she learned to talk her first word in fact was Nancy. The two of them are much like the characters Rory and Loralai Gilmore from the old Dramady Gilmore Girls which was a favorite of Brooke and Nancy's that they had watched every episode of together. Although Nancy was quite a bit older then Loralai and hadn't been a young mom when she had the twins. "Brooke that portion size is perfectly fine. Your sister's probably just on her period that's all"

"I am not" Paige protested hearing it even though Nancy spoke in a whisper. "FYI I'm taking birth control pills it's because I don't want to get heavy periods not because I'm having sex or anything when you're part of a big business coorporation you kind of don't have time for sex or your period for that matter" "Oh is that so?" Nancy asked in complete surprise. "Well than who pissed in your cheerios this morning? Why are you acting like such a bitch bitch?" She and Brooke both stiffled a laugh. They both know the real reason why Paige isn't having sex or doesn't have a boyfriend but they don't say a word. Paige hated it when the two of them ganged up on her which was something that happened quite commonly. Brooke was the favorite. That was clear as glass. Brooke was the most talkative when she was with Nancy. "God Mom Ga'row UP!" Paige cried out disgustedly.

With the tongs Brooke tried to grab hold the second turkey leg. Hank's younger brother Trent took dibs on the first Turkey leg pretty much the very instant he arrived at Nancy and Ben's house. "I Call dibs on the turkey leg" He called out as soon as he walked in the door. No hello or anything just "I call dibs on the turkey leg" "I don't think so Brooke" Paige said holding out her hand. "Why not?" Brooke asked. "White meat is just so much better for you" She said, "It's a known fact" "Oh okay you're probably right" Brooke agreed "Tch'yeah I'm right" Paige said. She then helped herself to the turkey leg and Brooke realized that she had been tricked again. Once again Paige had used her little white meat trick, the same white meat trick she has uses every time the family has company for Thanksgiving. Brooke was stuck with white meat once again and she hates white meat, it is dry and bland and to her tastes a bit like sandpaper, even with a lot of gravy which Brooke poured from the gravy boat.

"God Brooke that's too much" Paige said, "Do you not see that there's a ladle in front of you use that duh" Brooke totally missed the tiny silver ladle that was sitting next to the gravy boat. "Oops" She had said. There was nothing she could do about it then she just shrugged her shoulders and poured herself a glass of red wine. "Brooke didn't you like already have a beer before dinner?" Paige asks "Yeah" Brooke said "So?" "So? One or the other Brooke you already had your alcohol for today"

"Paige back off" Ben said. "Well she did have a beer I saw her" Paige said. "Relax it's the holidays" Nancy had said. Eventually Paige decided that she was really jet lagged and went upstairs to take a nap.

"Brooke you okay?" Trent asked her. "Yeah I'm fine why?" She asked, and she was Paige had been like that every Thanksgiving it was almost like a Thanksgiving tradition and was totally to be expected. "Because you're sister was brutal I know all about siblings being brutal to siblings" "Why" Brooke asked, "Hank used to boss you around" She seriously can't imagine Hank pushing anyone around that is one huge thing she and Hank have in common they are both major pushovers. Trent threw his head back and laughed. "Are you kidding?" He asked "I used to be brutal like that with Hank didn't I? I was the bully" "Yes Trent you were" Hank agrees, "I was down right mean! But after you put me in my place I respect you a lot more don't I big Bro?" Trent was of course a lot meaner then Paige. Paige meant well and couldn't help herself. Trent was as his good friend and co worker Leon pointed out, mean for no reason. "I'll help you with the dishes Mrs M" Trent offered, "See I'm just an all around nicer guy now" "Thank you so much Trent" Nancy said.

"You know you really don't have to take that from your sister kiddo" Ben said giving Brooke a generous pound on the back. "I know you got some fight in you" "It's okay" She said, "I'm used to it"

So basically it couldn't possibly be about Paige leaving. That would just be absurd, but maybe she started to wonder was it about Paige being bossy. The more she thought about it the more it depressed her but she realized that really couldn't be it either it was something that happened every year she'd never been depressed about it before. So it must not be it. She thinks to herself. She stares at the clock on the computer it is exactly midnight. She then thinks of something. Hank had just given her a sleeping pill. Shouldn't it be kicking in. She is angry


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Hank is jolted awake by loud pacing noises. Brooke shouldn't be awake she has taken a sleeping pill unless of course she is sleepwalking. Hank turns on the light. "Brooke you all right?" He asks. "I'm sorry" She says "I'm just waiting for this damn sleeping pill to kick in"

"It should have kicked in 30 minutes after you took it" Hank says,

"At least that's how it always is for me everyone's different though" But it's been something like maybe 3 and a half hours it never takes that long to kick in, if it was going to kick in it would have already kicked in. Sometimes it didn't work for him but that is because he has built up a tollerence for the drug after all her had been taking it since he was a teenager and now he is 37.

Brooke is a totally different story she has no tollerence build up whatsoever as far as perscription drugs go, her body is completely pure she should have most definintely been knocked out 30 minutes after taking the pill maybe even quicker. He worries that if her body is rejecting the Halcion it may also reject the Trintelex. If she doesn't get the black box warning side effect it is possible that she may just kill herself because she is so frustrated about the pills not working, she sure is frustrated now. Hank cannot fathom the idea of her killing herself. He knows it sounds super corny and everything but she is special to him. She is his first girlfriend. Prior to Brooke he didn't have any girlfriend or anything even close to one. He was living in his parents basement at the age of 35 spending his nights either watching old musicals or playing video games. His parents were very invested in his lack of sex life/social life so one day they ordered him a sex party and that is where he met Brooke at a party at the house turned Brothal owned by a man named Alexander Mann who was also a virgin but was going under as a pimp in order to save his house from being evicted.

during the course of the party Hank had also lost his virginity to the other two girls Brooke's BFF's Lo and Ruby who were there, but Brooke was the one who right away latched on to him and he latched on to her. He couldn't lose her. He didn't dare say that he thought the Trintelex was a terrible idea. He knew how much it meant to her. "Would you like another one of my Halcion?" he ask he doesn't really have a certain ammount he am suppose to take, what is written on the perscription is take as needed, which means if he sometimes have to take two then he can take two, if sometimes he wants to take less he can take less. "I shouldn't" She says, "They're yours" "Yeah lt's okay you can have one would you like one?" He says "Sure" She finally says.

But two sleeping pills do not work. If anything she's even more riled up. It angers her and as usual she cries on her pillow but this time it is not a silent activity. It is in fact very loud and undignified yet somehow Hank sleeps through it and she envy's him that the pills work for him. Why the hell can't they work for her why the hell does life have to be so unfair? She thinks it should have the same effect as roofilin and all the street drugs she has experimented at least the downers she has experimented with but she has no such luck. She wonders if she were to take an entire bottle or a couple handfuls would she feel any kind of effect at all?

She rolls over and stares at the clock every once in a while until she finally decides that she is sick of lying upstairs sleeping, or not sleeping rather. She feels like if she doesn't do something productive she's going to really lose it. She really wants to know that she is not alone in the world, she really wants to know that there are other people out there like her, people who have their lives together and then one day get hit by depression.

She opens her laptop, the glaring light hurt her eyes, the fact that she hasn't slept a wink of sleep is making her headache even worse. Although she has taken two sleeping pills it is probably the worst she has felt. She desprately hopes to find other people have had that problem as well but she thinks she is probably the only one in the world with that problem. Sleeping pills work for everyone else. The universe has just for some unexplainable reason singled her out.

She types in the word depression on the Google search engine and eventually finds a link that leads to a depression forum. Immidiatly she clicks on it. Maybe she will find a story just like hers. No such luck. The feature story is about a girl who was raped another story is about a guy who's grandfather died, another one is about a person who has cancer. Other people felt depressed for no reason that was definitely a thing but of course all of these people or at least pretty much all of these people have had a history of depression. She feels very much alone. None the less she decides to type in her own story. Maybe there will be someone out there who understands what she is going through. She was about to type in her name but then started to delete it. she didn't want to give away her real name even if she wasn't giving away her first and last name she still felt weird about it and somehow believed that she would feel a lot less judged if she didn't use her first name, there were a couple of people who used their real names and she thought it was very brave of them to write about the experiences. (Their much more deserving experiences she can't help thinking) She can only imagine how much braver/maybe actually quite a bit stupider a person would be to put their first and last name. She does want to get personal on this sight, just using her real name and especially using her first and last name would seem just a tiny bit too personal. She begins typing in her story anyway, or at least her sort of story She makes up a screen name for herself conveniantly enough it is the same as her codename

 _B'Dazzle's story (She calls it since she doesn't want to be on a first name basis on this thing) - I am a 24 year old woman, I have never suffered from depression, one day I was fine and the next day I woke up and I suddenly felt worse then I've ever felt in my entire life. I lost interest in everything and I have no sex interest which really sucks because I used to be a sex addict. It really sucks especially for my boyfriend of 2 years. The thing is there's nothing leading to the depression. I have a really good life_

She deletes the whole thing. Everyone else on the forum had really big problems real problems that they have written about. They would probably just think she was being a pathetic whiner/crybaby who needed to toughen up. Besides everyone else had a story, what she had written that was barely a story, also some people knew the name B'Dazzle from her company she didn't know what she would have done if people recognized her name on some forum like that, after all she never knew maybe more of her clients then she thought went on that web sight. She had seen very many clients with depressed Aura, maybe they went on all kinds of forums. She didn't/doesn't think anyone else could relate to waking up one morning and feeling depressed for no reason. As she skims down the forum, one particular thread completely grabs her attention. One person is talking about their experience on Trintelex. The exact drug she is craving. Apparently they have been on it for four years and had had depression for 20 years. 20 years yikes. She thinks to herself. She can't stand being depressed for six months she can't possibly imaging how much more terrible 20 years of depression would be for her. Her eyes are practically glued to the screen which is quite the rare experience for Brooke these days, usually she has the attention span of a goldfish. But this is intriguing. She finds out that then one day they woke up in the middle of the night feeling this extreme feeling of bliss. Just this overwhelming happiness that they hadn't felt for years maybe even happier then ever before. They had thought that after all those years of failed perscription after failed perscription something had actually started to work for him. Then the next morning he woke up and the feeling was completely gone he was back in his same state of depression he has been in for years. Tears form at the back of her throat. As much as she really wants to cry there is something else she wants even more. She wants to reach out to this person who ever he/she/purrself or whatever gender pronoun they're using is. As she keeps reading she discovers that despite having to live 20 years with the agnoizing feelings of helplessness and hopelesness this person is still able to keep going. It amazes her. This is one really strong person. She can't help but want to respond to them. So that is exactly what she does. She sends him a message on IM she doesn't care if she get's a response or not all she cares about is reaching out.

 _B'Dazzle: You are really brave to put up with this all these years. How do you do it?_

She knows that if it were her she wouldn't last for 20 years. She'd be fed up with taking perscription after perscription only to see it fail. If it were her she probably wouldn't be able to hold out for even a whole year, it hasn't even been a whole year and she already can't stand it. Obviously this person can't stand it either, but obviously they have enough stamina to stay alive. Oddly enough, even though she cannot see this person's face and is not in the same room with this person and really doesn't have any idea whether they are male or female she can still somehow feel this person's Aura. It is the strangest thing and it really frustrates her because their are a lot of times she cannot feel people's aura's who she sees in real life. Her face becomes wet with tears and she realizes that she is crying both for this person because they have such a hard life and told such a sad story and feels such a powerful connection to them and for herself because she is scared to death that this may become her in the future. She may suffer 20 years of failed medication. She may experience the kind of happiness the poster described only to have it disappear the next day. What a terrible disappointment that must have been. She is surprised at how quickly she get's a response. She supposes this person like her has also given up on sleep  
 _IAMSAD: This website has actually helped me a lot. Are you a new poster? I have never seen you before. I should know I go on this site every day it's kind of become my life now after the last 20 years. I kind of know everyone, a lot of people have been really supportive but I've never seen anyone named B'Dazzle before._  
 _B'Dazzle: Yes I'm new_  
 _IMSAD: Welcome to this forum B'Dazzle. How did you hear about this website?_  
 _B'Dazzle: Couldn't sleep, just looked up depression and came across this forum_  
 _IAMSAD: That is cool, so if you don't mind me asking. What is your story?_  
 _B'Dazzle: ?_  
 _IAMSAD: Most people who come one this website are obviously not very happy. What's wrong B'Dazzle?_  
Suddenly she doesn't feel self conscious about trying to explain that she is sad for no reason.  
 _B'Dazzle: I don't really know, just one day I woke up one morning and felt really depressed I don't know why_  
 _IAMSAD: Yes. That is often times the case with depression._  
 _B'Dazzle: I've never had depression before not in my whole 24 years of life_  
 _IAMSAD: I Know how that is B'Dazzle. I know how that is. I was in your shoes 20 years ago._  
Although it doesn't make her feel any better or give her any hope, she continues on with the conversation.  
 _B'Dazzle: Did something happen?_  
 _IAMSAD: Not at all. I was a carefree 20 year old, I had great friends a great family a great job, I didn't get it but it happened. I used to be so happy which I suppose is why I know I can be happy again, I just don't know why it is taking so long. Anyway how long has it been for you B'Dazzle_  
 _B'Dazzle: It has only been 6 months but it seems like it might as well be 20 years. I don't want to sound like a bitch or anything but how can you stand it?_  
 _IAMSAD: I can't really. What is your name?_  
She has totally forgotten that just earlier during the course of looking at the website she didn't feel comfortable with giving her name not even her first name. She thinks she must be delirious from the lack of sleep or maybe the sleeping pills finally have taken effect and that is why she is so out of it. Whatever the reason she finds herself doing what might be one of the stupidest things she's ever done.  
 _B'Dazzle: Brooke_  
She wants to delete the whole thing but her fingers slip and it is too late she has already pressed the send button. She really wishes she didn't send the message because seconds later she get's what she thinks just may be one of the creepiest IM messages she's ever seen.  
 _IAMSAD: I want to be your best friend Brooke. I think we could really help each other out. Do you want to be my friend? I don't really have any other friends. I did have a lot of friends but people are so shallow, they started pulling away from me. I haven't talked to my best friend in years. My family is also pretty much disgusted with me too._

Although a huge part of her finds that incredibly creepy and also a bit pathetic. From her calculations this person is 40 years old and she is 24 years old and there is the big obvious fact that they haven't met in person and the other big obvious fact that they have only "met" each other today.

 _IAMSAD: So will you be my friend?_

It creeps her out a ton. But at the same time she hasn't felt so close to anyone in a while. Not Hank, not Lo, not Ruby not anyone at her job who she has had face to face interactions with.

 _B'Dazzle: Sure!_  
 _IAMSAD: You will? OMG that is so great. I finally have someone who knows almost exactly what I'm going through. Well I suppose not exactly since you've only been going through it for 6 months. I will tell you something I hate and that is when people say I'm goth. I am not goth. I'm depressed. I hate it that people think they can use the terms goth and depressed interchangably they are not the same thing._

Brooke honestly cannot relate to that. There is no way anyone could possibly mistake her for being goth. Not when she is always smiling 24:7 hell people probably wouldn't and obviously don't peg her for being depressed. She is most certainly quiet because she feels that talking takes up way too much energy, it already takes a lot out of her to put on a brave face for her friends every day. Also she doesn't really have much to say she get's all tongue tied when she does actually have something to say. She wonders if people will know she's depressed just because she is so earily quiet not just quiet but silent. Are depressed people usually quiet? It makes sense to her. She is constantly smiling and always around people however so it most likely doesn't occur to people that she is depressed and certainly not goth. She is sure this person isn't goth either. To her understanding goth is a style of dress not a condition and also to her understanding it is really just a label. She most definitely didn't dress goth. As a matter a fact if anything she probably dresses and has always dressed the opposite of goth, she was always wearing bright vibrant colors, hot pink was always her most favorite color.

 _B'Dazzle: Labeling sucks It sounds like you have some really bad friends._

She wouldn't be able to stand it if Lo her best friend since preschool decided to drift away from her and label her after finding out about her mood. Maybe however that was something she worried about. Maybe that was why she was keeping it a secret from her. Deep down she knew that wasn't why. She knew Lo was a very loyal friend as was Ruby she knew very well that the real reason she kept up with the facade for so long was because she thought she could fool herself out of her funk. It hadn't worked so far and now that she had broken through she doesn't feel like keeping it up any longer. Fake happiness is disgusting to her. She is now obviously willing to talk to complete strangers about her problems. She is very intrigued about IAMSAD'S last post. She knows that their is a difference between goth and depressed but she is curious to hear this person's input on the whole matter she somehow figures that he has quite a lot to say.

 _B'Dazzle: In your opinion what would you say the difference is between Goth and depressed? From my understanding Goth is just a style of dress it's people who dress in black and write disturbing poetry and dye their hair black_

She can absolutely not fathom the idea of dying her hair black, she can't really fathom the idea of dying her hair any other color. Once a blonde always a blonde and Blonde has always fit her personality, she doesn't think dying her hair black would really fit her new personality. She is sadder and quieter but she will not be dying her hair. Also to her knowledge she is too old to be goth, she is 24 years old for god's sake, she is not in high school any more and when she was in high school she most certainly wasn't goth as a matter a fact she was really popular, the third most popular girl, so why would she start becoming goth at the age of 24? What would be the point? On the other hand why on earth would she just start becoming depressed at the age of 24 either? Also what's the point? What is the point of anything? Now the only thing that has any point to it is this forum. What has her life come to. She continues to put thought into their conversation. This IAMSAD person is 40 years old, if she's too old to be goth then this person is way to old to be goth. From her understanding goth is really just a phase and what IAMSAD is going through is more than just a phase

 _Cont: I don't want to sound judjmental or anything but you said you were 40 years old, isn't that too old to be goth? I always thought it was just kind of a phase highschoolers went through a kind of life sucks phase, most of them outgrow it by the time they graduate from highschool I got that impression. IMO I don't think Goth's are neccessarily always depressed I mean sure they can be but I think a lot of times they are just putting on an act to be cool because in high school it is just cool to hate your life. On the other side of the argument depressed people aren't neccessarily always goth. Not at all for that matter I think your friends are very judgmental. I hope that I am not coming across as judgmental though._

She waits a while she knows this message is going to be really long to answer.

IAMSAD is pending The message reads. She continues staring at the screen, she has never been so eager to get an IM in a really long time.

 _IMSAD: Goth isn't always about the way you dress, it's also about the way you think. I think if you always shoving your depression down people's throat and are super invested in your depression and it's all you think about and you go on these websites and make them your life then maybe that would put you in the classification of a goth at least according to my friends._

For god's sake no wonder their friend's aren't putting up with them, if all they've been talking about for the past 20 years streight was how depressed they are. She was sure IAMSAD's Friends used to be perfectly nice people but she guesses their was just so much they could stand of that for 20 years. Brooke swears to herself that no matter how bad it get's she will never do that to her friends but on the other hand who wouldn't be completely frustrated in that person's situation? She is also very determinded that she is not going to be depressed for 20 years. No matter how hard she would try no matter how hard of work it was, she was going to make sure that didn't happen. She reads through IAMSAD's message again and again, she doesn't care about the splitting headache she can't look away. They had mentioned going on depression forums and making them into their life and that being a factor to why they would be considered goth. Brooke is on that very same forum right now at this very moment and she is fascinated by it and she knows that if she is not careful it is going to start becoming her life. By that definition she is a goth.  
 _B'Dazzle: I think I'm well on my way to being Goth too, this forum is just really compelling to me_  
 _IAMSAD: I think another big difference is that (At least according to my dumb friends) I don't want to get better, apparently I like being depressed. I DO NOT. I collect self help books and everything but god damnit don't they know anything it's because I'm interested in getting BETTER not that I'm interested in feeling bad. None of these self help books work, also I have seen several different therapists in the the last 20 years some of them quit on me, some of them I quit on because I just didn't agree with their approaches in fact I still haven't found an approach that suits me. Also I have never been one to hold in my feelings. I have been screaming for help from day one. So where the hell is everyone. I hate to be judgmental but I think holding your feelings in would be just about one of the worst things you could possibly do._

They did hurt someone's feelings god damnit, they hurt her feelings. From what he had been saying screaming out for help didn't really sound like it was all that and a bag of chips either. As a matter a fact it is very clear that it is not working since it has pushed all of his friends and family away. She really wants to respond and tell that person off but she doesn't want to pick a fight, not when this person is so darn pathetic that she is litterally the only person they can scream out to with being heard. She takes a different approach.  
 _B'Dazzle: Have you ever tried hiding your feelings?_  
 _IAMSAD: Never_  
She is itching to ask him how the fuck he knows it's such a bad thing then, how could he possibly know if he's never done it, but she feels so sorry for the person and she feel's the strong Aura come back and she wants to reach out and help the person and she knows that if she argues with this person she will be pushing them away the same way everyone else and their lives has been.  
 _B'Dazzle: It sucks fake happiness is one of the worst feelings ever, I thought if I pretended to be happy, if I pretended it wasn't there if I ignored it then maybe it would just go away. What a stupid thing to think._  
 _IAMSAD: I guess I was just the opposite, I thought if I talked about it 24:7 it would just go away. I guess I'm stupid too._  
 _B'Dazzle: LOL! I guess it's kind of hard for me to talk about my feelings, I'm just kind of a private person in general, I don't really talk that much._  
 _IAMSAD: Well it seems like you're saying quite a lot right now_  
 _B'Dazzle: This is actually a lot more then I talk usually_

She is about to ask the person what their name is when she is interupted. "So" Hank says, "The sleeping pills didn't work?" "Omigod!" She cries. "You just about gave me four seperate heart attacks" She really is that surprised to see him awake she has been so engrossed in her IM with IAMSAD that she has forgotten to check what time it is, the clock on her computer reads 10:00 AM has she really been awake for 13 hours on the computer


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Oh my god are you all right?" he asks, "Four seperate heart attacks wow!" Not meaning to, she nudges him very hard in the ribs. She is not in the mood for his humor unless of course he actually somehow believes that she actually had four seperate heart attacks which would be physically impossible without her collapsing dead, therefor she is in no mood for his stupidity not when she hasn't slept all night. "Ow" he says

"Sorry" She says, "I'm just not in the mood." "You're really not" He says, "Did you get any sleep?" "No" She says tightly "I didn't" "How could that be?" Hank asks, "I gave you two of my halcion and you know usually they're really really good" "You're not helping" She snaps.

"It's all right" Hank says, "That happens sometimes. It happens to me like every other night" He knows that that really isn't helping much either since that is really not the same situation at all.

"I'm so pathetic" Brooke sobs. "I was up all night looking at depression forums"

"Are they helping?" Hank asks even though they don't seem to be at all. She seems exactly as riled up as he can expect someone who hasn't had any sleep and stayed up all night looking at depression forums should be.

"No Hank" She sobs again. "They're not helping. But I can't look away from them I think I might be getting addicted. I think I need some serious help. Brooke takes out her cell phone.

"Who are you calling?" Hank asks. "Lo" Brooke says, "She deserves to know that I'm not doing so great" Lo Mascunni had known Brooke since preschool or maybe even further then that so it was an obvious fact that she knew Brooke inside and out. She knew that her middle name was Michelle plus pretty much all of her quirks. She knew that she preferred plain jelly sandwiches over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, that she always shivered from eating sharp cheddar cheese or any kind of cheddar cheese at all, that she had a collection of stuffed armadillos that she had a tattoo of the aura symbol on the back of her neck, that she loves soap operas, and that her first word was Nancy, In turn Brooke also knew everything about Lo. For example that her real name was Lotus but went by Lo because Lotus sounded like Locust and she always got really mad and showed a fierce temper if anyone dared to call her that, she also knew she was the youngest of 7 with 6 older brothers and that her favorite movie was Muana (A disney movie a lot of people didn't chose as their favorite)

That being the case it wasn't any wonder that Lo noticed a change in Brooke during the holiday season. At first the change was kind of minimal. Her best friend suddenly seemed a lot more subdued. She had always been real quiet but had always been comfortable talking to Lo and their other BFF Ruby. Now even around the people she felt the most comfortable around she hardly ever said a word. When she did talk her voice was a lot quieter almost in a whisper and most of the time she sounded like she lacked energy or just was way too zen and relaxed. She was always smiling but her smile seemed sad. At first Lo didn't really think much of it, it was probably nothing. It wasn't until the big holiday get together that she had finally noticed that something was seriously not right with Brooke.

The two of them were in the living room with Hank, Lo's recent boyfriend of four months Bim Norse, who used to hate Lo with a passion claiming she was just way too weird. Alexander and Ruby had set the two of them up on a date as a prank one night and they both found out that they surprisingly didn't hate eachother and later it became more than that. Unfortunately Ruby and Alexander were on their honey moon that weekend after getting married a couple weeks before Thanksgiving. Four of Lo's older brothers and a bunch of Bim's guy friends were also in the room. The first clue that something was wrong with Brooke was that they were in a room full of guys and she wasn't flirting. Even with being tied down in a steady relationship with Hank she still was a major flirt and being in a room with so many guys was usually her dream come true. At the party however she had just stayed on the couch holding her drink staring ahead of her not saying anything with that sad smile on her face. Everyone else was talking but she wasn't adding anything to the conversation. It was a known fact that she never initiated conversations, but she usually joined in at least.

Lo poked her in the ribs. "Are you all right Brooke?" She had asked, "You haven's said a single thing all night" And she meant every word of that literally. She should know she has been with her all night. Brooke had seemed to gravitate towards Lo all night and it was really weird. It was like having an extra shadow. It was so not like the Brooke she knew. The Brooke she knew would have happily mingled with other people particularly all the guys that were there. But she didn't instead she followed her best friend around like a mute shadow. It really creeped Lo out, but she didn't really know how to break it to her. She didn't know what to say. She didn't even really know quite what to think of that. "Huh?" Brooke asks. "You literally haven't said a single word all night" Lo said.

"What's wrong?" "Nothing" Brooke says "I'm just listening" But she was clearly not listening, her mind was clearly off somewhere else. "I'm sure it's nothing a little alcohol couldn't take care of" Lo's brother Hugo said.

"Maybe you just need to loosen up a bit" she chugged back her spiked christmas punch and immediately wished she hadn't done such a thing. The room started spinning so hard she couldn't tell what was up or what was down, for all she knew they were on the ceiling. She placed her hand to her forehead and moaned.

"Brooke you okay?" Hugo asked. "I feel sick" She said, "I'm gonna be sick" She then threw up right in her cocktail glass. "Gross you okay?" Bim had asked. She shook her head.

Lo was quite baffled by the situation as far as she knew that had been Brooke's first drink. Obviously it had been since Lo had been with her all night and she hadn't seen her drink any punch. "Brooke?" She asked putting her hand on her shoulder. "Would you like to go home?" "Sure" Brooke says nodding. She had tripped and stumbled a lot on the way out.

What really threw Lo off however was that after that incident Brooke began to seem more or less herself. She still seemed sad and quiet and for the most part she [Lo] and Ruby did all the talking but she seemed to be doing okay enough and Lo decided to put the Christmas party incident out of her head. Although she finds it near impossible to forget, but when Brooke calls and says in an eerily quiet voice, "I need to tell you something" now she is legitimately very concerned.

"Brooke what's wrong?" She asks her voice trembling. There is a long silence on the other end of the line. "Brooke are you okay?" Lo asks. Brooke clears her throat. "No Lo I'm not, I" "Brooke what's going on?" Lo asks. "I, I think I'm depressed" she says

"What?" Lo asks. She has noticed that she seemed sad but depressed that has never occured to her.

"Brooke did something happen?" She asks. What she doesn't realize is that Brooke is sick of that question, but she sure as hell finds it out in literally two seconds.

"NO NOTHING HAPPENED!" She snaps.

"I just suddenly started feeling depressed one day and like nothing caused it it just I don't know it just happened I guess. And I'm sick of people asking me if something happened why can't people just assume I have Depression?" She has heard of that happening with depression that episodes can just come on for no reason her oldest brother Tristan suffers from depression but there is one thing Lo knows for a fact and that is that Brooke does not suffer from depression, she never has. As far as Lo has known Brooke she has always been the picture of mental health. "Brooke good lord why are you yelling at me? What the hell?" Lo asks. "Because I'm so frustrated SNUH!" This is a whole new side of Brooke Lo has never seen before and she has to admit, she really doesn't like it. She is scared. "How long has it been? That you've felt that way?" She asks.

"December 3rd" Brooke says carefully she wishes more then anything that she could just go back in time and stop that day from happening, but she knows that would be immpossible, she also knows that there is nothing that she could possibly do about it since as she made it very clear nothing happened. Literally all that happened was that she woke up. Oh god if only she hadn't woken up this morning. "Please don't ask me what happened on December 3rd" She begs sounding like she is about to pick a fight for absolutely no reason. "No don't worry" Lo says, "I wasn't going to" then suddenly the words slip from her lips.

"Oh my god the party" She says. "What are you talking about?" Brooke asks "What party?" Does she seriously not remember the party. It sort of makes sense to Lo now that she thinks about it she was pretty darn inhibriated during the party.

"The Christmas party remember" "Yeah what about it?" Brooke asks. "Well I kind of noticed something was going on then, you didn't seem very happy" What was Lo talking about, Brooke had thought she had been trying super hard to put on a brave face had she really been that see through. "I didn't?" She asked, "No" Lo says, "You didn't"

"Oh my god" Brooke says now feeling like the weight on her chest has been lifted. "That party was horrible. I hate pretending I'm happy it's the worst I hate pretending that nothing's wrong and apparently I do a shit job at it. If you thought I wasn't doing so great and everything" "Brooke I'm your best friend, I know you I could tell that you weren't yourself" they are silent for a really long time.

"Hey listen" Lo says, "My brother has a really great psychologist he's been seeing her off and on during all of his hard times if you want I could text you the number, she's been really helpful I think she could help you too" Usually Brooke wouldn't like having therapy suggested to her but she is so desperate she will take any suggestion she can get.

"Oh my god could you?" "Sure" Lo says. "So does your brother take pills?" Brooke asks. Lo does not feel remotely comfortable answering that question. It almost shocks her that Brooke would ask such a nosy question. "Uh!" She says not knowing how to answer that. "What kind of pills?" Brooke asks her voice coming out more excited then it has in a really really long time. She must really be desperate to get better Lo decides. "I don't really know he doesn't like to talk" "Does he take one called Trintelex?" Brooke asks interrupting. It throws Lo off a bit because she is pretty sure she just said that she didn't know and that Tristan never liked to talk about it. "Brooke I don't know what he takes he doesn't like to talk about it, he takes like a bunch of different things. I don't know they seem to be working, he's in a really good place now" "So you don't know any of the names of any of the pills he takes?" Brooke asks.

"Brooke this is very personal" Lo says. "He's actually very very private about it" Brooke should understand this Lo thinks since she has been very private about her depression. "You really don't know"

"Brooke" Lo says, "You can't just go around asking about people's prescriptions it's, it's just really awkward" "Well I just want to know if Trintilex works for him because I'm thinking I might give it a try"

"Well for one thing" Lo says, "If he was taking Trintilex he's also taking a bunch of other drugs so it would be kind of hard to tell if it's working or not. Also the drugs that work for some people don't work for everyone it's not a one size fits all type of thing" "Do you at least know who prescribes him the drugs?" Brooke asks. Why does she insist on being so annoying? She takes a deep breath and realizes that she should probably just forgive her after all she is really frustrated and obviously wants a quick fix and who wouldn't in her shoes.

"No Brooke" Lo says, "I Don't know who prescribes his drugs. It may be a family doctor it may be a psychiatrist I have no idea" If she thinks about it, it is actually pretty darn weird that she even knows who Tristan's therapist is, but now that she thinks about it it's not that weird at all given the fact that the family had to get some family counsiling after multiple suicide attempts she had been very helpful. "What's her name?" Brooke asks, "Her name's Jean I'll text you all the information." "Do you think she could prescribe me Trintelex?" Brooke asks. "I don't think so no" Lo says, "I don't think that's her job"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The text comes in almost an instant. which seems a bit unusual since usually things seem to drag by a lot slower for her these days.  
From: Lo  
Pamela Jean Meyers 587 - 3792  
"So" Hank asks, "Was your conversation with Lo helpful" "Well she did suggest a pretty good therepist, but she wouldn't tell me what kind of medications her brother takes nor did she recommend a good psychiatrist. A therapist would be good and everything but she can't prescribe medication."

"Well that's a good step isn't it?" Hank asks. "Maybe if you have a therapist you won't even need the drugs." She doesn't agree. She doesn't think he knows the extent of how bad her condition actually is. She thinks the only way she could get better from therapy alone is if she went every day and that would just be absurd. As far as she knows the only people who had to see a tharapist every day were people who were really at risk who had severe mental illness and a really good number of those people were people who were in residential facilities. She didn't want to have anything to do with any of those people, nor did she want to take away time slots from people who needed therapy way more then she did. Also she worried that if she were to come to therapy every single day she would start to become a bother to her therapist and Pam might give up on her. She wanted a good relationship with her therapist. She felt like enough of a failure that she had to be in therapy, if she failed with her therepist she would feel like a super failure. She remembered how IAMSAD had talked about his therapists giving up on them. That would be almost like the therapist firing their client.

"Brooke hey" Hank says, "Did you say something?" She asks, she had gotten so caught up in her own thinking patterns that she didn't hear him say a thing. "Yeah did you get the name and number for this therapist?"

"Yeah" Brooke says, "Lo texted me her number her name's Pamela Jean Meyers" "Well" Hank says, "Why don't you give her a call and set up an appointment?"

As much as she wants therapy she is afraid to call. Not only is she worried that she might be judged to a point of being dumped by her therapist, she is also just plain afraid to make the phone call. She is like so many other times before tongue tied, her throat feels completely dry and her palms are even sweatier then usually and since december 3rd her palms have been so sweaty she's constantly having to dry them off literally every second. Her heart beats across her chest. "I don't want to" She says. Hank gives her an odd look. "I don't get it" He says, "Don't you want to get better?" "Of course I do" She says. And she hasn't ever wanted anything more in her life. "I just, I don't want to call her could you do it?" "Yeah sure" Hank says, he has always been a huge pushover but this is just ridiculous now he is letting Brooke push him around. Brooke who is even more of a pushover then him. But he can't stand up to her not in the vulnerable state she is in right now. "Could you read me her number?" "Sure" Brooke says and proceeds to read the number.

"This is Pamela Jean Meyers" An older woman with what sounds to him like an african american accent says, "What can I do for you" "Are you taking new clients?" Hank asks. "Always" Pam says, "When would is the best time I can see you" "As soon as possible" Hank says, "But it's actually not for me" He clears his throat. "It's for my girlfriend Brooke we're living together and she's having a hard time" "I'm sorry to hear that" Pam says. "She doesn't feel like talking right now" Hank says "Well that's okay" Pam says, "My soonest appointment is tomorrow at 10:00 does that work for Brooke?" "I'll ask her" Hank says, "Does 10:00 work for you?" "Sure" Brooke says, she usually starts her job at 10:00 but believes seeing a therapist is much more important for now. Besides she can't stand her job. She knows it would be the professional thing to call her boss and let them know that she will take the day off, but she doesn't really feel like bothering. She really doesn't care one way or another about losing her job.

She could just let herself fade out and leave people to wonder what happened to her which is a very good question what the hell did happen to her? If only she knew. Right now all she cares about getting better and going to her job every day and being frustrated with the fact that she can no longer read Aura's very well and being annoyed with her clients is not going to make matters better. If anything it's just going to make things worse. "Don't you work then?" Hank asks. She shrugs. "Well shouldn't you call your boss and let them know that you have an appointment and will be late" She shrugs again. "I probably just won't go actually" "Well then call them anyway?" He says. She shrugs again. "Yeah I will I have all day to call them" She says.

"She'll take the appointment" Hank says. "Very well then" Pam says and then proceeds to give him directions to her office. He hopes he doesn't get lost on the way. Although East Lansing is a very small town with maybe only 800 something people it is still very easy to get lost especially when all the streets kind of all look the same. "All right you're all set for tomorrow" Hank says. "Thank you so much" She says, "For talking to her" She realizes that if she had so much trouble talking to her on the phone she is going to have even more trouble talking to her in person tomorrow.

And that is exactly what happens. She is tongue tied. She studies her therapist. Pam is pretty in a very uconventional way. She is a big black woman maybe in her early 40's she is most certainly not big as in fat just big as in big boned and muscular. Her long hair is tied into several braids. "Can I get you something to drink?" She asks. "Sure" she says "What would you like, we've got tea, coffee water?" "I guess water" She says shyly. "All right" Pam says "I"ll be right back. Brooke stares around the room she has to admit it makes her a bit uncomfortable there is a whole closet behind the therapists seat which is filled with chipped pottery, porcilan dolls and all other kinds of antiques. "Here you are" Pam says handing her a cup of water. "Thanks" Brooke says quietly. "So I have this stuff at my house too you know" she says after a while just for something to say

"Excuse me dear?" Pam asks, "Water" She says and could she be any more awkward. "We have water at our house too" Of course they have water at their house, every civilized human being has water. She realizes that it is reason's like this why she doesn't talk. Pam laughs deep chestedly it is not a critical laugh just a laugh but it still feels like she is laughing at her and why shouldn't she. What she said was funny and not really in the ha ha type of way but in the odd way. She's a freak.

"Yes it's good stuff that water" Pam says. "I'm sorry" Brooke says. "About what dear?" Pam asks. Did she not notice that completely freakish thing she had said a couple of seconds ago? "I'm just really not good at starting conversations. Just sometimes I get so tongue tied and I guess I just don't know what to say and I end up saying really stupid things." Of course usually she is much better at starting conversations. Telling someone she had water at her house was a bad conversation starter even for her. "Honey it's okay" Pam says, "This is therapy, in my office you can say anything you feel like I'm not here to judge you I'm here to listen. When you're in here you can say whatever you feel like" "Even if it's stupid things like that we have water at our house?" "Sure why not?" Pam says laughing again with her deep chested laugh. "And it's all confidential anyway darling what you say in therapy stays in therapy no one else needs to know" She says. That is not remotely something Brooke is worried about. That had never crossed her mind. What was Pam going to say to her other patients about it anyway. "I had a weird patient the other day I offered her a glass of water and she said she had water at her house?" In what context would she say that anyway?

"Oh I'm not worried about patient/therapist confidentiality" Brooke says "I'm worried because I said something stupid and I'm always saying stupid things and isn't that like the stupidest/weirdest thing you've ever had anyone say in this office" Pam laughs again, "Not at all. Not even close for that matter." Now she feels stupid all over again even though she knows that Pam was probably trying to make her feel better. For god's sake of course that isn't the stupidest/weirdest thing Pam's heard a patient say, she sees patients with far worse conditions people who are schizophrenic for god's sake and incoherent. Of course she doesn't know that for sure since she didn't know any of Pam's other patients but she assumed she had several and that if they were in therapy then they had problems and she figured that they most likely had quite the wide range of problems meaning that there were people much crazier then her and crazy people said crazy things. She wasn't crazy. Or was she? Wasn't Clinical depression a mental illness?

"What am I talking about?" She says, "Of course it's not the stupidest thing you've heard someone say, nor is it the weirdest. See what I mean I'm always saying stupid things. Always always always." "Do you really think you always say stupid things? Always?" Pam asks. "No not always, usually because I just don't talk usually I feel like I'm mute I feel like I just fade into the background I feel like I don't matter" She doesn't know where this is coming from she matters to a lot of people she matters to her parents, she matters to Hank she matters to Paige, she matters to Lo and Ruby she matters to all of her clients and she matters to IAMSAD. She doesn't however matter to the most important person who she's supposed to matter to. She doesn't matter to herself.

"Well you obviously matter to some people she says. You sure matter to your boyfriend. He obviously cares a great deal about you, and you matter to me" That brings tears to her eyes. This person doesn't even know her and already she cares about her. Maybe she says that to all her patients but still just the same it brings her to tears, which are now flowing freely down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry" She says sniffling. "About what?" Pam asks, "Crying" Brooke says, "I'm sorry I'm crying" she says. "No honey don't be" Pam says, "It's okay to cry in here, in fact it's good to cry in fact just let it out cry all you need to. I got kleenex" Brooke takes full advantage of that fact. She has the best cry she has had since the day before. She cries so hard she isn't remotely surprised when Pam tells her that she's used up every single one of her tissues. "Are you okay?" Pam asks,

"Can I get you another box" She sniffles she is pretty sure she is all cried out. She's pretty sure she has absolutely no tears left. How could she possibly? "No I think I'm good now" "Yeah?" Pam asks. "Are you ready to talk, it's okay if you aren't you don't have to talk until you're good and ready and if that's not until a week or so then that's okay. A lot of my patients don't make a breakthrough on their first appointment, it takes weeks for some people for others mounts for other's it takes years. It's hard to get used to a new therapist I understand that" "You're probably going to take a while to adjust. I'm sure it took you a while to get used to your last therapist too." Now she is angry. Not just angry steaming angry.

"What the hell makes you think I had another therapist?" She snaps. "What about me points to that?" Pam raises one eyebrow. "Well honey I'm sorry I didn't mean to make it sound like I was making assumptions I just thought" "You're my first therapist god damnit? Do I look like someone who's had more then one therapist?" "Well no" Pam says "I guess not" she is taking it all so well, but she must be used to it Brooke decides she must have patients get mad at her all the time. So much for thinking that she had cried out all her tears. She goes from angry and terrifying to weepy and apologetic. "I'm sorry" she sobs. "I didn't mean to get mad" "Hey it's okay to get mad if it's how you feel it's how you feel." She goes to the closet and pulls out a second box of tissues. Brooke thinks that she's probably going to go through almost every single one of the boxes. "So I'm your first therapist then?" "Yes" Brooke says. "That's because I've never had a reason to see a therapist before this. I never needed one. I never needed therapy"

"So this is an all new experience for you I take it?" Pam asks. "That would be correct" Brooke says. "And I don't just mean the therapy I mean this depression." Pam takes out her notepad and begins jotting a couple of things down. "Your boyfriend mentioned that you are having a hard time" She says, "Really?" Brooke asks, "What else did he say?" She knows he didn't really say anything else about he since she heard the whole conversation. She was standing right there the whole time god damnit. She is just being her stupid self again and saying stupid things. "Nothing else" Pam says, "He was very brief, but if you want to talk more about it then you can, whenever you want" She knows that she is going to have to talk about it if she wants to get any kind of thing out of therapy at all. "It started on december 3rd and don't even think about asking me if something happened because nothing did" She blushes realizing that she has come out sounding confrontational and mean. "I'm sorry" She says for a third time. "For what now?" Pam asks. Is she making fun of the way she always apologizes? Not cool. So not cool. "I'm sorry I sounded confrontational I guess" She says. "I didn't mean to" "Your problem is you just need to stop apologizing for everything. You have nothing to be sorry about girl, you're fine how you are" She doesn't think she is. "I don't agree" She tells Pam, "Well we could definitely fix that. It may take a while but don't worry we'll get there, but you know we're equal partners in this you have to put in effort just like I do. Since you're new to therapy let me give you some old school advice. I'm not here to help you I'm here to help you help yourself. "

She doesn't want it to take a while she wants a quick fix, the quickest fix possible god damnit. And she sure as hell doesn't want to put in any effort. She doesn't want to help herself she feels like she is at the point where she can't help herself. She is helpless she needs someone to do it for her. She wants Pam to cure her. Isn't that what therapists are supposed to do? Isn't that their job? Do all therapists believe that they are their to help the client help themselves. If she were to switch to a different therapist would they tell her the same thing. "Hey you okay honey?" Pam asks, "You looked like you went somewhere else there for a second" "I'm sorry" She said, "Were you saying something?"

"I was" She says, "I was saying that a lot of people who have depression don't have a any kind of trigger at all. Nothing happened. That's how depression works a lot of the time."

"Yeah I know that happens to people with a history of depression but I don't have one" "I see" Pam says. "How old are you Brooke?" "I'm 24" She says, "Why?" "Well sometimes depression hits different people at different times, and I guess it hit you at the age of 24." "Am I brain damaged?" She blurts out. She has no idea where this question has come from it is like she has suddenly developed some weird form of Tourette Syndrome. "I don't think so honey" Pam says, "Why do you think you are brain damaged?" "Yes" Brooke says. "Why do you say that?" She asks. "Because I'm depressed for no reason and like it's not psychological so it must be neurological right?" "Not at all honey" Pam says. "Although a lot of psychological things are neurologically based their's nothing wrong with you neurologically. Do you think there's any other reason to believe that you're brain damaged?"

Brooke gives it some thought. "I don't know that I say stupid things" "I say stupid things, everyone does" Pam answers, "It's called being human" She sighs heavily playing with the diamond magnets on the table next to her. "Well my ability hasn't really been working, my magipath ability" "You have a magipath ability?" Pam asks "Yeah I have aura" She says. "What a coincidence" Pam says, "I have that ability too. I wouldn't worry about a thing if I were you, the reason why it's probably not working is because you're under a lot of stress. You do know that heart magipathy is usually driven by emotion. That's happened with me before to. I promise it's nothing more then that" She doesn't know why she doesn't tell her about the unusual thing that happened with her Aura power whilst she was reading the depression forum because that was definitely not quite normal. All of this stuff that Pam has been saying should make her feel better but she is still not convinced that she is not brain damaged. She keeps going. "I get dizzy a lot" She says, "Like foggy, like light headed" Pam nods understandably, "And that my friend is a classic symptom of depression. We call that brain fog" She thinks of the trintilex commercial with the tangled thought patterns above peoples heads. "I get a lot of headaches" She says although she is really not sure she keeps going when she has gotten plenty of proof that she is not brain damaged. "Of course you do" Pam says. "You're under a lot of stress" "Why should I be?" Brooke asks, "Nothing remotely stressful has happened" "Well this depression has got to be new and scary for you" She says. That's true she supposes. She is depressed about the depression itself depression "ception"

They are silent again, before she finally breaks the silence. "What do you know about Trintelex?" She asks. "I know that it's a really successful drug, I have quite a few patients who take it and they're doing a lot better"

"So I take it they must not be your patients anymore" Brooke says. Pam raises her eyebrow. "Why do you say that?" She asks. "Well" Brooke says slowly, "They're cured aren't they, don't they not have depression anymore" "Oh no" Pam says, "It doesn't cure depression it just treats it, so far there is no cure for depression that most people know about it. A lot of people can take anti depressants and feel better but they could still have relapses. Also the combination of Trintilex and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?" that's what I do in my practice works really well for my patients." Now Brooke has a lot of questions, she didn't expect that she would have so much to say but now that she is on this subject of getting better she has a lot to say. "What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?" She asks. "Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapeutic treatment that helps patients understand the thoughts and feelings that influence behaviors." Pam explains. "One of the most common things I do in my practice is help people learn how to change their negative thought patterns how to turn your negative thoughts into positive thoughts it works but it may take you a long time because you are new to therapy" She thinks about how she had been sending herself positive messages every day and practicing self taught optimism something she never thought she would ever have to teach herself. Wasn't that kind of like what Pam was talking about? Wasn't that what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in a sense?" "I want a quick fix" She says, "I don't want to work for it" "I know and I don't blame you" She says, "You've been suffering like this since December" "So write me a prescription for Trintelex" She demands. Pam shakes her head. "So sorry" She says, "I wish I could, but it's not in my job description to prescribe drugs to my patients" Brooke folds her arms across her chest and stares down at the ground feeling very much defeated. "I'll tell you what I can do" Pam says. "I can recommend a Psychiatrist for you?" "Oh my god could you?" She asks, she is crying again but this time they are tears of gratitude. She hasn't felt so grateful in a really really long time. "Of course" Pam says, "In fact you are in luck because I have a good friend and colleague who is a Psychiatrist he has a private practice. Since we are such good aquaintences I recommend him to a lot of my patients. In fact I could give you his number right now. She then hands her a couple of cards, one of them with her name and number and the other with the name of the Psychiatrist. "Well Brooke you're free to go do you want to do weekly appointments?" "Sure" Brooke says. "All right then I'll see you Monday's at 10:00"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

As she waits for Hank to pick her up from the appointment Brooke studies the second card Pam had given her the card with the name of the Psychiatrist and his number. His name is William Williams usually she would think that was funny if she hadn't lost her sense of humor with the depression. She reads the number which is 586-9735.

In only one phone call away she will have her life back. She is giddy with excitement which is a feeling she has missed. She gives the self taught optimism thing another try. She is optimistic that the drug is going to do wonders for her. Why shouldn't it? Pam had said it worked for all of her other patients but apparently not well enough to stop going to therapy although maybe they went a lot less. Less therapy wouldn't be bad. Also she had seen so many positive reviews. There were negative reviews as well a good handful of posters gave the drug only one star but she chose to skip those reviews. Those people were probably just really unlucky including her good friend IAMSAD. She right away dials the phone number.

"Dr. William Williams here how can I help you." "By prescribing me Trintelex" She says. "Hold on" He says, "First of all I don't know who you are" She is chronically embarassed once again.

"Brooke Meriwether" She says shyly. "Well secondly Brooke Meriwether. I can't prescribe you a new medication over the phone that wouldn't be safe, you're going to have to make an appointment, I kind of have to meet you and get your medical information and all that" She blushes again. She feels like the biggest idiot ever. She should know how prescribing works

"I'm sorry" She says, "It's just, I'm really new to this whole medication thing" It's not like she's never seen a doctor or anything, she definitly has a family medical doctor she goes to every year, but she has never been prescribed pills because every time she comes home with a clean bill of health and there was definitely no reason to question anything about her mental health as Lo put it, she was the picture of mental health. "Hey no worries" Dr. Williams says, "Do you want to make an appointment then?"

"Sure" She says, once again blushing furiously. "I'm sorry Brooke Meriwether" He says getting back on the phone in what feels like hours to her but probably isn't, "But I don't have any openings until next week would you like to come in at 4:00 on Monday" She is silent for a long time. She is as dissapointed as can be. She does not want to wait that long. "Are you okay Brooke Meriwether?" Dr. Williams asks. "Yeah" She says, "I uh I just kind of wanted to get in sooner"

"I'm sorry Brooke Meriwether" He says and she realizes that he really likes her name he says it after every sentence. "But you're going to have to wait a while, I'm totally booked for this week" "Oh!" Brooke says and sighs heavily. "I'll tell you what Brooke Meriwether, if someone cancels on me I'll call you can I have your number" "Sure" Brooke says "It's 587-6066" "Thank you Brooke Meriwether, I'll see you at 4:00" She then notices that her phone is beeping, "I think I'm getting another call" She says. She then sees that she did not get a phone call she got a text.

From: Ruby  
RUOK?

She text back right away.

From: Brooke  
Y?

Even though she has a really good idea why Ruby would possibly be asking? Lo must have filled her in about what they had talked about. And why shouldn't she have, Ruby is and has always been their third musketeer. The three of them have always been a unit a trio, since Elementry school they were inseperable. Ever since Kindergarten they were in the same class, and then in 6th grade they were all devistated to learn that they didn't have any of the same classes together and that Ruby was on the other team and all three of them cried in each other's arms. That was how close they were

From: Ruby  
Lo texted me and said you were having a hard time  
From: Brooke  
Really What did she say

From: Ruby  
She wasn't very specific but Alex and I are really worried, we are coming home a couple days early is that ok

She doesn't think that's fair at all. Her and Alex shouldn't have to cut their honeymoon a couple days short just because she is having a hard time.  
From: Brooke  
No don't do that  
From: Ruby  
Too late, we already booked the flight from Tijuana to East Lansing, we will be home by 11:00 tomorrow  
From: Brooke  
Is there any possible way you could maybe cancel flight. I really don't think it's fair that you guys have to cut it a day short just because I'm not doing so great.  
From: Ruby  
It's only two days short it's really not that big of a deal

She is so preoccupied with her feelings of guilt about having to cut Ruby and Alex's honeymoon short that she barely notices when Hank's car pulls up to the driveway of the building. "Hey babe how'd it go?" He asks her. "Huh?" She asks, "Oh fine I guess" She seems very much distraught in his oppionion.

"Brooke, baby what's wrong? Did something happen with your therapist" "Huh?" Brooke asks, "Oh no not at all she was great it's just" She sighs heavily. "I just got this text from Ruby and I guess she and Alex are cutting their honeymoon short and it's all my fault" "Your fault?" Hank asks.

"I don't know I guess Lo texted Ruby about how I was having a hard time and now Ruby wants to come home a couple days early. She and Alex booked a plane they'll be coming in at about 11:00 tomorrow. She then starts crying again. Really really crying that is, bawling wailing. She has finally mastered the art of crying in front of people. She had gone from someone who hardly ever cried, (What did she have to cry about anyway? Her life had been going perfectly fine, to someone who cried constantly in private when absolutely no one else was around, to someone who cries at the drop of the hat no matter where she is or who she's with. It's out in the open now. Everyone knows she's depressed. Hank knows, Lo knows and now Ruby and Alexander knows. "Are you all right?" Hank asks

"No I'm not all right" She chokes out. "I went and ruined their honeymoon. I wish" She doesn't finish the sentence. "You wish what babe?" She wipes off the tears from her cheeks. "I wish I never told Lo I was having a hard time" "Brooke it's okay" Hank says, "I think it was good for you to let your best friends know that your not doing well. It's great that you have such good friends" Hank knows he would do the same for his friends if he was in that same situation, the only problem is he doesn't have friends. At least not real friends, he has some aquaintances who he plays roll playing with but they never have had the same kind of bond Brooke has had with Lo and Ruby. When they got together they talked about roll playing and it was limited to just that.

"I probably should have waited until they got home from their honeymoon" Brooke moans as the two of them get into the car. "I should have let them just have a good time, I hate it that they couldn't have a good time on their honeymoon because I'm not having a good time" Hank doesn't really know what to say and for a while they are silent. Hank then clears his throat. "So I was going to turn on some music" he tells her, "Would you like the oldies Station?" "Yeah sure why not?" She says staring out the window. "Brooke you didn't ruin anyone's vacation" Hank says. "I did though" She says. "So let's just agree to disagree" She then hears her text message go off again.

From: Ruby  
We'd like to take you and Hank out for lunch after we get back tomorrow it will be our treat we just really need to know that you are ok

Brooke can absloutely not fathom the idea of going to a restaurant. It causes her stomach to tie itself up into knots preform a front flip and then a back flip all at the same time. Until she get's that drug in her system all she wants to do is take it easy, she wants to isolate All she wants to do is lie in bed all day and maybe surf the depression forum and maybe read some more positive reviews for Trintelex, she is planning on staying very clear away from the negative reviews. She however knows all to well that isolating will absolutely not be an option. Not when she has so many people worrying about her. She kind of wishes she didn't have any friends or boyfriend family or anyone who cared about her that way it would make isolating a hell of a lot easier.

From: Brooke  
I don't really feel much like going to a restaurant

She doesn't say that she feels like isolating all day. She can't bring herself to say anything of the sort, not when Ruby and Alex are making a very special trip home from Tijuana just to see her.

From Ruby: If you'd rather keep it casual why don't you come over to our place at around 12 we will grill up some T bone steaks

She doesn't want to do that either but it is definitely the lesser of two evils between going to a restaurant and being overwhelmed by the big lunch crowds. T-Bone steaks for lunch? Who does that anyway? she wants to know

From Brooke: Sure okay

"So was that Ruby again?" Hank asks, "Yeah" Brooke says "She wants us to come over for lunch I don't really think I'm up for it" "We really don't have to stay long" Hank says, "We could just eat and then go" Brooke shrugs, "Yeah I guess" She says.

As soon as she get's home she goes straight for the computer. She isn't sure what she's more excited to look at the depression forum and more conversations with IAMSAD or the five star Trintelix reviews. She has interests again it is definitely an improvement even if the interests are in her depression. According to IAMSAD a person who's main and only interest she would be qualified as a goth. She does not think of herself as a goth. She thinks of herself as a person who wants to get better and if becoming interested in her condition is the first step then she thinks she is on the right track. She also has the feeling that if she were really "Goth" Or IAMSAD's definition of goth then she would probably only read the negative reviews. A goth was someone who wants to be miserable because it's cool to be miserable right? She is miserable and she does not think it's cool. Not in the slightest. She looks up trintelex and clicks on the sight with reviews.

She skims over the sight the first reviewer gives the product a 1.0 which means she's not going to read it.  
The next one she comes across, the reviewer has given a 10.0. That's the kind of review she's been wanting to see

For Major Depressive Disorder "This medication has helped me so much! I tried Prozac, Zoloft, and Lexapro before starting this medication. I felt much better in about 3 days with Trintellix. It is so nice to have more focused energy and be able to function again at work as well as having fun with my kids again. Great medication!"

It works in three days, That's pretty good although she would be a lot happier if it were to start working right away. She does a little bit of the math. She will see Dr Williams next monday which is seven days away. If things are to go as expected, she doesn't see why theirs any reason why to suspects he wouldn't prescribe the medication after all, then it will start kicking in three days, that gives her a total of 9 days. In 9 days she will be rid of this agonizing pain, in 9 days this heavy weight will be lifted off her chest she will be as light as a feather. 9 days 9 day's 9 solid days she chants to herself skimming down more of the page. There is one person who rates it 5.0. She stays away from that one as well. That is not good enough for her, she doesn't want to read about any kind of mediocre progress. She wants to read only about the full effect. 9.9 isn't even a good enough score for her it has to be 10.0 or she's not reading it. If it is a higher score then 10 however that wouldn't be so bad either. The next reviewer actually does rate the score a little bit above 10 they give it a 10.1

For Depression "I had tried for about 18+ months to find a medicine that would help my depression. I bottomed out and was contemplating suicide. My doc prescribed me Trintellix. I noticed a difference the very first day. I was skeptical at first, but I got better and better as the days went on. I had a few occasions of nausea, and even vomited once, but that all went away after about a month. Trintellix saved my life, literally."

So this reviewer was better on day 1? That was so god damn fucking amazing Brooke couldn't beleive it. That was just too good to be true. 9 days was good, but 7 days before she became her old self again. That is EVEN better, that is just way too much to bear she is overwhelmed with excitment. Although she already has plenty of proof, She wants more. She craves more She wants to see more and more proof that Trintelex is an amazing drug. The best thing about it is, it saved that person's life literally could you possibly get a better selling point then that? She skims down again to someone who has given it an 11/10 holy fucking shit

For Major Depressive Disorder "I started in 1st of June. Doc told me to try and come back. Well you know day 1 that you took it but wasn't sure what is was. But 2 weeks have past I feel great. Up and about. No head ache or no through up. I know it works good for me no dreams. Take it 10m when I go to bed. It has really help me. I was so depressed anxidy mad at things I seem now can't get upset I'm happy"

"Brooke you've been on that computer for a long time" Hank says snapping her back into reality. "Huh?" She asks. "Why don't you close that off thing and have dinner, we're having pork chops with lima beans and sweet potatoes" Goody, Brooke thinks to herself. She doesn't really give a damn about what they are having to dinner. Pork Chops, Lima Beans and Sweet Potatoes have never been her favorite food not by any means but tonight she finds it even less exciting then usual. In fact just lately food hasn't been exciting for her, it's been just about as exciting to her as everything else and everything else is not exciting. But right now there is something that is exciting to her, and that thing is a tiny pink eggish shaped drug called trintelix. all she can think about is trintelix this and trintelix that. Trintelix, trintelix, trintelix, trintelix that sure is a cool word with a very nice ring to it. "Dinner?" Hank says again. "Oh yeah dinner right" "Yeah c'mon let's eat" She supposes even if pork chops, lima beans and sweat potatoes don't interest her even in the slightest, she really is starving. She really hasn't had anything to eat all day, aside from a pack of bubblicious bubble gum and a couple butter mints, which she knows is by no one's definition real food.

"So you've been on your computer all day what have you been looking at?" Hank asks, at once she get's all tongue tied again. "Uh, well just..." she stares down at her lap, "Just Trintelex reviews" "Ah I see" Hank says cutting his pork chop and smothering it with applesauce. Brooke doesn't understand how some people like that she thinks it's disgusting. "Did you ask Pam about that drug?" Hank asks. "I did" Brooke says carefully cutting her chop,

"But she can't prescribe it, I have another appointment with a new psychiatrist his name's Dr. Williams" "Brooke that's great what day do you see him?"

"Next monday" Brooke says, taking a miniscule bite of her pork chop. It is dry. Hank should just stop cooking he's really not good at it. She's sure the dinner could be plenty exciting if someone aside from Hank was cooking it. "Is it too dry?" Hank asks.

"Huh?" Brooke asks, "The chop is it too dry you were kind of making a face about it" "No" She lies it's uh very moist it's really good." "Nah I don't really think so" Hank says, "I think they're super dry this time, have some applesauce?" "I'll pass" She says. Applesauce isn't just disgusting to her on pork chops it is just plain and simply disgusting to her. It is the closest thing to having baby food, they might as well just buy a thing of baby food and put it on the pork chops, hey at least that would help with the whole moisture problem.

"Well I'm free that day" Hank says. "I don't have to go into work" Brooke rolls her eyes, Hank doesn't have a job, what would he want something like that for, he has spent 35 years living in his parents basement after all. Lately his job is well job hunting.

Apparently that day he will be free from job hunting. "Really?" Brooke asks, "You don't have any job hunting that day" "Eh" Hank says "I have job hunting every day, right now though I'm just waiting to hear back from one of the 100 or so jobs I applied for" Brooke rolls her eyes spearing several lima beans with her fork. "So I guess I could go with you unless you'd like to come on your own" She hasn't thought about that before but she now thinks that sounds like a really good idea. Maybe it would be better for Dr Williams if he heard some prespective from someone else.  
She goes right back to her computer and checks on her new friend IAMSAD. She IM's him right away

B'Dazzle: Hey I'm back online  
IAMSAD: Hey B'Dazzle (Or can I call you Brooke?) how was your day today? My day was terrible as always  
B'Dazzle: How was my day? Where can I even begin? First of all I saw a therapist for the first time ever! Here's the thing we're supposed to work together as a team at some kind of cognitive behavioral therapy. She wants me to put in half of the effort and apparently it is going to take a really long time because I am so new to therapy. I don't want that. I want a quick fix. I thought that therapists were supposed to fix your problems right away, but I guess what do I know as I have already said before, I have never been in therapy. In other news there is a quick fix on it's way. My therapist suggested I see a psychiatrist and I'm going to ask him to prescribe me Trintelex. Isn't that the drug you take? In other other news I told my bff Lo about my depression and then she told my other bff Ruby about it and that has caused her to cut her honeymoon a couple days short. I feel so guilty. I can't stand them worrying about me. This may sound really weird but I wish I didn't have any friends.

IAMSAD: that's not a good thing to go and wish B'Dazzle I would kill for friends right now. I call the people I used to hang out with every day to reach out to them but they just get annoyed with me, I ask them if they want to do stuff with me and they say no, you are lucky that your friends care about you of but course you are at a different stage in your depression you are a newb after all. I hope you don't mind me calling you a newb. Newb and newbie are just words we often times throw out around here with people who are new to this forum. But you my friend? You're just new to the disease it's self so you're like a super newb. Welcome to depression. Welcome to Depression. She can't help but to like that, it sounds strangely poetic and fascinating to her. she continues reading the very long IM. She wonders if the IM's he sends to everyone are this long.

(Sorry got a little side tracked) this is the first time you have talked about this with them you talked to them about it. My friends were actually really pretty cool about it the first time. However you are probably a hell of a lot less annoying then I am. You and me we have different personalities. You are very quiet and private but I am a shover. I shove things down peoples throats. I have no problem crying in public places, If you really want your friends to become sick of you then shoving your depression down their throats is a good way to do it. I don't even do it to be annoying really and I certainly don't do it to push my friends away, just after a while I get so used to it, I mean it's been 20 years right? The thing is I'm on Auto pilot that's what I've found. It's terrible to keep it all inside but it's also terrible to use the opposite effect. Either way I'm miserable and you are clearly miserable too. But we can be miserable together Brooke we can help eachother. I want to be your superman tonight.

She is a bit tickled by the Bon jovi refference. Superman tonight has never by any means been one of her favorite songs as a matter a fact she has always found it to be very cheesy maybe in both a good way and a bad way she supposes it is at least good enough to purchase on Itunes. She sometimes listens to the song when the mood strikes her. One particular lyric of the song she can very well relate to her situation I don't even know you so what does that mean. Of course IAMSAD doesn't know her they have never met face to face, but it seems like they really have made some kind of a special bond with her. Also there is the fact that she can feel his aura. What does that mean? Who knows the song could very well be written from the point of view of a guy who has fallen in love with a girl he met online, or not really falling in love necessarily but what every is going on between herself and IAMSAD. It never said in the song that they hadn't ever met face to face.

B'Dazzle: So I take it you are a Bon Jovi fan?  
IAMSAD: I Used to be before I lost all my interests. Now I'm not a fan of anything  
B'Dazzle: I mean that refference was to the song Superman tonight wasn't it?  
IAMSAD: Oh yes Absolutely. Love me some oldies. I think I was maybe 17 0r 18 when that song came out. Good times  
B'Dazzle: You'll have good times again I'm sure you will  
IAMSAD: That's what I keep telling myself but so far it hasn't happened. I guess that doesn't mean it can't happen. The Effexor that I took a couple years back did work that one day and the effects were great, maybe someday I'll feel the effects from the Trintellex and they'll be just as great or maybe even better. I've been on it for 9 months now and I don't see an improvement but hopefully I will  
Now she is panicked, is she really going to have to wait 9 months for the drug to start taking effect.  
B'Dazzle: 9 months is a really really long time hang in there  
IAMSAD: An extra 9 months is really nothing if you've had the disease for 20 years.  
B'Dazzle: Doesn't it just infuriate you that it hasn't started working yet? That you don't see any difference? Haven't you just had enough don't you just want to scream?  
IAMSAD: Every day. Every single god damn day I'm infuriated thank you very much

At once she decides she doesn't want to read anymore. She had been purposely avoiding negative interviews about the drug and what was she getting now? Well a negative review obviously. Obviously he's not getting much better. She doesn't want to get any bad ideas so she decides to switch gears. In the google search engine she types in the word Effexor. She wonders if anyone else experienced what IAMSAD had described. She skims down for five star reviews only to discover that the most people are giving it are four star reviews. When she reads most of the reviews she comes to see that there is a big turn off. No not just one big turn off. A whole fist full of major turn offs first off pretty much all the reviewers mention loss of libido as a side effect. For god's sake. She has already completely lost her libido. If she were to take a drug like Effexor would it become even more non existant? If anything she wants an anti depressant that can increase her libido or just jump start her libido. The second huge turn off is that it causes insomnia she already has a great deal of that and that is very obvious. She isn't looking at the time on her computer or anything but she still knows for a fact that she hasn't slept for maybe four nights straight and when she does sleep her sleep patterns are errotic.

Sometimes she is able to go to sleep just fine, but pretty much every night she finds herself waking up at 1:00 in the morning or so and unable to get back to sleep. Other nights sleep just doesn't come for her at all and clearly this is one of those times. She can't even sleep when she is given two halcions which are as Hank put it,"Usually really good" Right now she can only think of one logical answer for why that is. It is plainly and simply because she is a weird freak of nature. Her brain and body chemistry don't work like other people's do because she's a freakish freak. Freak freak freak. She thinks to herself.

She tries to distract herself by reading more reviews. Weight gain is another complaint a lot of people have although it most certainly wouldn't hurt her to put on a couple pounds seeing how skinny she has gotten. But nothing comes close to the worst side effect, the side effect that pretty much every reviewer has mentioned somewhere.

It seems that approxomitely 99.9% of the time patients report worsening of depression before getting better, sometimes it takes months before they start feeling any difference at all and even when it does start working all the bad side effects seem to out way the good side effects. She right on the spot decides that the drug is absolutely not the drug for her. She realizes what she hasn't thought about is whether the Trintilex causes those same sexual effects. In her search engine she types in Trintilex and sexual side effects. Apparently quite a few people have very similar questions about the drug. In fact one of the most common questions on the Trintilex forum that she has clicked on is, does it cause you to lose your sex drive. Brooke is pleasantly surprised to find out the answer to the question. Apparently it does not have those effects it is one of the only anti depressants aside from a medication called Wellbutrin that doesn't cause sexual side effects. As a matter a fact it is actually proven in 99.9% of patients to cause just the opposite effect, in fact it is supposed to increase libido and jump start it if it is non existant.

This holds her attention now she is really curious. Luckily a link is posted right under the post underneath it, it says here is your proof. She immidietly clicks on the link. The first two reviews are some of the most promising two things she has ever read in a really long time. The first one is written by a woman in her late 50's who has lost her sexual drive to menopause after taking the drug for less then two weeks she has noticed a HUGE difference and has become as horny as a teenager just hitting puberty. Brooke is amazed. She can not even put it into words how amazed she is. If the drug could do such miraculous things for this menopausal woman it might be even more amazing for a young person like herself. The next review comes from a 18 year old man who was paralyzed from the waste down causing him to lose his ability to have sex, apparently the Trintelex while it didn't cure the problem it most certainly helped things along.

She is shocked when she finds out how much time has passed. She realizes how pathetic she is becoming and also how damn obsessive she is getting but at the same time she just can't stop herself, she will stop at nothing until she finds a solution and if that means not sleeping then that is exactly what she will do. "Don't forget we have to be there in 5 minutes" Hank says. Holy shit. She looks at the clock which reads 11:55. Good lord.

"Have you been on your computer all night?" Hank asks. His voice once again surprises her but she supposes that is what a whole night scratch that two whole nights of sleep can do to a person. She gasps. "Sorry babe" He says. He knows that it is physically impossible for a person to have four heart attacks without being long dead, but he figures she may at least have one heart attack. He has heard of peoples body's doing some pretty messed up things from the lack of sleep and he knows that she hasn't gotten any sleep in two whole nights. As a matter a fact fetal Insomnia is actually a thing. Yes that's right people actually can die of Insomnia. Now he is panicked. "Are you feeling all right babe?" He asks. "Yeah sure what do you mean?" She asks, she is still staring at the screen. "Well you like haven't gotten any sleep tonight, or last night for that matter"

"I guess I just forgot to go to sleep" She says, "I just got so distracted" "Brooke that's not good" Hank says. She seriously can't be forgetting to sleep. That just won't do anyone any good. "Huh?" She asks still distracted. "You can't just forget to sleep" She stares like a zombie at the computer. "And for crying out loud Brooke turn that god damn thing off" "You mean the computer?" She asks sounding all zombielike. "Yes your computer. You've really been staring at that all night?"

"What?" She asks. He touches her lightly on the shoulder and she flinches. "God Hank don't do that" She says. "Don't just sneek up on me like that" He doesn't understand her, he's been their the whole time, she knew he was there at least he could assume she knew that. "What's so important anyway?" He asks, "What could you have possibly been looking at for 24 hours straight?" Has it really been that long? She supposes she hasn't been keeping track so it may as well be.

"Trintelix is such an amazing drug" She says her voice sounding weirdly hypnotic as if she are hypnotized by the screen. "Yeah I'm sure it is" He says. "Get off that computer" When she doesn't budge he turns it off. "God Hank don't do that" She snaps. "Wow sorry" He says,


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Look" She says, "I really want to get this drug sooner, is there any way I could? Is there any way I could like make an appointment with a different psychiatrist who will prescribe it sooner" "Yeah probably" he says. "But you're probably going to have to wait even longer by that logic" "Shit" She moans. "Hey believe me Brooke" he says, I want this as much as you do" He really does if getting the drug in her sooner means she won't be staying up looking at reviews for nights straight then by all means the sooner is the better. "Did you eat any breakfast?" He asks, of course she didn't she was on the computer the whole night, she hadn't even thought about food.

"Aren't we having lunch when we get there anyway?" She asks. "Well you could at least have some coffee or something, you're exhausted." She get's up from her chair only to realize that her legs have completely fallen asleep. She trips and falls to the floor.

"You okay?" Hank asks rushing over. "Yeah I'm fine" She says. "Can you get up?" He asks, "Of course" She says, "What kind of a question is that?" But she really can't she is really weak from the lack of sleep and the lack of caffein and just all and all not feeling well feeling blah. "I guess I can't, could you just get me some caffein I think I'll feel better then"

"Coffee?" He asks. "No I'll have a float" He knows what she is talking about, her spin on a root beer float only with chocolate ice cream and Kick Start Mountain Dew Code Red, it is disgusting to him but hell she likes it and has liked it since high school, it had always kept her going on the days she had track and field meets at 6:00 in the morning.

"Brooke for breakfast?" He asks. She lashes out at him for no reason or no reason that he can think of except that she is depressed and she hasn't slept and she is just irritible. "It's not breakfast god damnit it's almost 12:00" She says. "You got a point" He says. It is a god damn thing they have that kind of thing in the house because he knows there will most likely be hell to pay if Brooke doesn't get what she wants and what she wants is her quirky spin on a root beer float.

"Here you are" he says handing her the drink. She has forgotten somehow how thirsty she is and drinks the whole thing in maybe three gulps, she is not by any means an elegant drinker and is definitely making a mess but he doesn't say anything about it. "feel better?" He asks as she hands him the empty glass. "A little thank you" she says. He helps her up from the ground. "All right then" He says, "Let's go"

She is dissappointed to see that Ruby and Alex are not the only ones at the house when they arrive. They are also joined by Alex's bff Cliff Christianson. She does not feel like being polite. She had thought they'd just have a get together the four of them, she doesn't want everyone knowing about her hard time. Not that Cliff is by any means EVERYONE or even close to everyone but still. "What's he doing here?" She asks. "Who Cliff?" Alex asks. "Yeah" She says, "Well he's been evicted from his house due to difficulty paying rent and all that so he's crashing with Ruby and I for a while"

"Great" She moans under her breath. "Besides I care about you. I'm sorry you're having a hard time" He says giving Brooke a generous pat on the shoulder. She backs away. "Why do you care why should you care?" "Holy fucking shit Brooke" Ruby says, "What's the matter with you?" "I'm sorry" Hank says, "She hasn't been sleeping. She's just irritible and she's having a hard time, but don't worry she'll be okay once she starts the medication" He is saying the whole thing with his fingers crossed because he really doesn't know if it's going to work for her due to the thing that had happened with the sleeping pills not working. "Cliff is Alex's best friend" Ruby says,

"And Alex is MY husband and you are MY best friend so I think that gives him a right to care don't you?" Brooke shrugs. "Anyway" Alex says, "We just got the ribs off the grill" "I thought you said you were having T'Bone steaks" Brooke says all irritible again. Angry. Personally offended. How dare they change their mind about what they are having? "We're having both." Alex says, "It's called a mixed grill have you ever done that it's really fun. It's a blast as a matter a fact" "Yeah we do them all the time" Ruby says, "We just grill up whatever we have in our fridge" "Sounds okay I guess" Brooke says. She doesn't really understand what's so fun about it, and she certainly doesn't understand why it's a blast. "You said in the text that we were having T'bone steak"

Ruby tries not to sound too angry at Brooke she knows it's not her fault, but she is just being a bitch with a capital B. "Well if you don't want ribs then don't have them" She says. "I don't really understand what the issue is" Brooke truth be told can really not explain why it is an issue or why she is bothered by it either. She wishes their was a logical reason for her behavior but their really isn't. In almost an instant she becomes tearful and apologetic.

Her mood swings have been so crazy lately. "All right so let's eat?" Alexander says.

"Yeah we should" Ruby says, "Do you guys all want corn on the cob and baked beans?" "Sounds good" Hank says. "Brooke?" Alex asks. She shrugs. "Sure" She says.

As she walks over to the table she feels a hand touch her on the shoulder. Not the hand of anyone she recognizes it feels bony and sharp and a cold chill sets down her entire spine She gasps loudly only to realize that pretty much all the wind has been knocked out of her. She turns around to see what looks like the grim reaper or death, or a dementor from the Harry Potter books or possibly the ghost of Christmas Future.

He then breaths down her neck and whispers something inaudible in her ear somehow causing her throat to close up like she is choking. He then proceeds to stab her down the spine with his scythe it is so sickening that she vomits and it is not just normal throw up, multiple dead corpses come shooting from her mouth, whole bodies, big and small, rotting people. It hurts, it hurts so much that tears flood down her cheeks.

She feels someone nudge her and is afraid to look again in fear that it is another demon. It turns out to be Ruby, they are at the table, had she been at the table the whole time? As far as she was concerned she was on her way to the table she hadn't sat herself down yet.

"Brooke oh my god are you all right?" Ruby asks. "What happened?"

"I'I don't know" She stammers. "What's wrong Brooke?" Alex asks, "Your eye is twitching" "I don't know" Brooke says, "I guess I had a daymare" she shivers "Woah are you all right?" Alex asks, "Uh what's a daymare?" "A nightmare but during the day" Brooke explains.

"Oh yes a daymare" Cliff says, "A lot of people who suffer from PSTD have those. I had a lot of those when I was in Iraq" Alexander face palms.

"Omigod Cliff" He says exasperated, "We all know all too well that you weren't in Iraq, you were never in Iraq and you know it too. Everyone here knows that" He honestly can not believe after 3 years Cliff is still going with that lie. "It was a joke" He says, "Ha ha"

"No" Ruby says, "Not funny tasteless" "I agree" Hank says. "You're such a douche" Hank believes Cliff is the biggest douchebag he knows and that is coming from someone who has grown up under the same roof as Trent. Trent has grown up a lot on the other hand and has eventually grown out of his douchbaggary, Cliff did not. Hank realizes that Trent and Cliff have never officially met, they actually haven't met at all as a matter a fact. As Hank see's it the two of them getting together could either go one of two ways. Either Cliff could learn to less of a douchbag from Trent, or Trent could learn to be more of a douchbag from Cliff. With all the bad luck Hank is having these days it is his guess that if it is to go one of two ways it would most definitely go the second way, which is probably why he's never introduced the two of them.

"Hey I was just trying to help" Cliff says shrugging it off, "Okay so I lied. I didn't really have daymares in Iraq since I wasn't in Iraq but theirs one sure thing I can tell you and that's that you like weren't sleeping" Cliff says, "You were totally awake" "I was?" Brooke asks, "Well you weren't really alert or anything, but your eyes were definitely open"

"They were?" Brooke asks. "Yeah you were like, there but not there" "It was awful" she says in a hushed voice. She begins shivering uncontrollably and pretty soon before she knows it her teeth are chattering even though it is really not that cold out it is in fact a beautiful warm spring day.

"I saw the grim reaper he put his hand on my shoulder and then sliced into my back and I threw up dead corpses" She shivers again. "Woah yikes you all right?" Cliff asks. She shakes her head and lets tears spill down her cheeks and fall onto her untouched plate of food. Before she knows it she is crying uncontrollably her whole entire body is shaking. Hank places his hand lightly on her shoulder.

"Brooke?" He asks. "Do you? Do you want to go home?" She nods. "All right?" He says, "I'm really sorry" He says to Ruby and Alexander, "I'm sorry we have to leave soon" "I'm sorry I caused such a scene" Brooke says tearfully. She then walks straight into what she thinks is an open screen door but it turns out to be one of those really clean solid glass doors. In reality she had known it was their she had been to that house many of times. She knew all about their ultra clean glass door. "Ooh" Cliff says coming over to her. "You okay?" she breathes heavily.

"Ouch" She moans. She then leans over and throws up everything she has eaten that day which is litterally only the float, but at least it is not dead corpses this time. "You okay?" Cliff asks, she is pretty sure he had just asked her that question although she is really not quite sure a lot has happened since they got to their house that she can't really keep track of what.

"She's okay" Hank says, "She just, she hasn't gotten any sleep for two days straight she's been up all night looking at the internet." "Seriously?" Cliff asks. "Dude no wonder she's so out of it. I'd be out of it from one night of no sleep but two nights of no sleep holy shit how is she like not dead?" "Hey right here you know" Brooke says holding out her hand.

"Sorry, sorry" Cliff says hastily. "Are you going to be okay do you think?" He asks her. "I have no idea" Brooke says, "I have no clue" And she really doesn't. Next week seems like eternities from now, will she even be able to hold out till then? "All right should we go home then?" Hank asks. Brooke nods weakly. He scoops her up and carries her on their way out the door.

"Hank is she okay?" Ruby asks in kind of a hushed voice. "She will be" Hank says. "You really think so?" Ruby asks. She is not convinced at all. An fun fact about Brooke is that she never got sick not ever. But today there was something clearly wrong with her. Clearly she is sick both physically and mentally it seems and it is clearly something far more then just depression that's for sure. She has always been the furthest thing away from mentally ill as well.

"What was that anyway?" Ruby asks. "What happened to her?" Brooke of course is still awake and can hear everything Ruby is saying. Of course she's awake she is basically incapable of sleep wasn't that made quite obvious when those two very heavy duty sleeping pills didn't work? She wants to butt into their conversation and tell Ruby to mind her own business. But she thinks the better of it, Ruby is her best friend she has every right to be worried every right to make it her business. Also she is too weak to say anything, and as she get's a lot of the time too tongue tied. "I don't know," Hank says "I think she'll be good as new once she get's some good sleep I think that's really all their is too it" "Yeah she has been up for like 48 hours. Of course she's a little out of it"

Cliff says giving him a generous pat on the shoulder. "Maybe give her something to knock her out" Hank is sceptical about that idea seeing that they didn't work. "I tried that seriously they don't work" "Well like what did you give her?" Cliff asks. "I gave her two of my Halcion" He says lamely. "Dude that's lame" Cliff says. "Well no not really actually they work really well especially considering I gave her two of them. I mean they should have they always work for me" "No way man those things aren't nearly strong enough" "What you got something stronger or something?" "I have a Rohyponal" He says. "Thanks man" Hank says.

The two of them say nothing in the car, Hank is almost certain although he is not a mind reader, that they may very well be thinking the same thought. "It's something way worse then depression" He doesn't think it's going to be something that a dose of Trintelex is going to cure. He stares at Brooke who stares blankly ahead, could that be what she's thinking? He knows that she has been slaving away day and night researching depression, she must know all about it now. She must be a god damn fucking expert on the disease now. She must know that what she has experienced today is not a typical symptom of depression.

Or are they? Maybe he should do some more research himself on the matter it certainly couldn't hurt anything. He pushes the thoughts from his mind. There is an easy and at the same time a very logical explaination for what happened today. She is depressed so she wanted to find answers and she decided that their was no better place then the world wide web. She had forgotten to sleep for two nights because she had gotten so involved in the websites. That was all their was to it, it was such a simple answer. He sighs with relief as he realizes he can now stop worrying and relax. Everything will be okay once she get's the new medication. "So uh do you want me to turn on some music?" He asks Brooke. "Sure" She says. The rest of the way home they continue to be silent.

He carries her straight upstairs to the bedroom where he places her down on the bed. He places not only the Rohyponal that Cliff had lent them but also two more of his Halcion. He knows that he isn't supposed to share his perscriptions with other people, his doctor had made it very clear that it is his medicine and his medicine alone, but he is desperate to have Brooke back. The Brooke he knows. The non psychotic Brooke. The Brooke who does not have daymares in public.

"All right Brooke" Hank says "Here's some Halcion and here's a Rohyponal for you" You may go ahead and take them. She nods. "Kay" She says. "I'll let you rest. Would you like Indian taco's for dinner?"

"Sure" She says even though she really would not. Hanks Indian tacos may be even worse then his pork chops he always burns the meat. He has been into those ever since he had them at a pow wow, where he was so impressed that he bought three of them and devoured them in litterally seconds. But Brooke knows her indian tacos,

she should after all her father is as a matter a fact half Potawatomi Indian which makes her a 4th Potawatomi Indian. She and her sister Paige have both been handed down their mother's Norwegian genes, and probably their father's Scotch Irish genes, blonde hair and blue eyes especially, but if someone is to look closely enough at her and Paige they would see that their facial features appear to be slightly ethinic although not many people know that they are Native American unless they meet their father.

But their is also the fact that Brooke often times wears her hair the way that her traditional native american tribe did. Not in braids but in ropes. For a while she went through a phase where she totally embraced her American Indian culture, at that point most people did know that she was Native American because she was always talking about it, but she is over that phase now. Long over it. Now she clearly embraces a new culture the culture of the depressed. The mentally ill. The crazies. The loonies. She doesn't want to believe she is one of those, but after what has happened to her today why shouldn't she believe that she is a loony who belongs in the loony bin? She will have to look up whether depression can cause hallucinations or daymares or whatever that was that she was experiencing, but she knows how important it is that she take a nap for Hank although she doesn't take the sleeping pills. Not yet anyway. Why should she bother anyway. She is almost 98% sure that they aren't going to work again. She is not really sure why she isn't 100% sure of that. She just isn't

She suddenly is overwhelmed by an itching sensation which completely racks her body. It doesn't only itch it hurts. She feels several things at once crawl up her body and sink their tiny little stingers into her body. She sits up to see their are red ants all over the place, all over her pillow all over her blanket and all over her sheets. She resists a scream she doesn't want to bother Hank.

She then get's up and pulls all the covers and bedding off the bed, unfortunately that really doesn't do her any good in fact their are even more red ants crawling all over the mattress. Terrified she does the first thing she can think of which isn't by any means the most logical answer to the problem, but hell it's an answer to the problem. She opens the window and tosses everything out one by one. Now just the big problem is the bed itself the matress and the bed rail, how is she going to get that outside. It seems impossible but she knows she's going to have to do it.

She pushes the matress up against the window and man did that ever take a lot out of her, she is sweating perfusely. She supposes that she must have been making a lot of noise because Hank is litterally upstairs within seconds. "Brooke?" He asks, "What the hell are you doing babe." "Oh good" She says hastily, "You can help me get this thing out of here" "What the hell Brooke?" He asks. "Do you not see it?" She asks, "We have an infestation, look at all those red ants crawling around, they were all over the place, the sheets the matress, the fitted sheet the pillows the pillow cases, the blankets the comforters. Oh my god Hank we're seriously going to have to call an excerminator" She is just going berserk trying to get their matress out the window and avoid the non existant red ants. Hank grabs her firmly by the shoulders. "Baby what are you talking about?" He asks, "Are you blind?" She asks their all over the place red ants."

Hank gives her a look of concern. "You don't see them?" She cries. Now she is hysterical. "Well I must have gotten several bite marks from them I just lay down in a bed of them" She pulls off the blouse she is wearing. As far as he can see she does not have any bites on her not a single one. "Brooke" He says, "BROOKE" he is unable to reach her in her hysterics.

"BROOKE!" He shouts again, she continues to be unresponsive just yelling and screaming and hysterical. He grabs her by the shoulders and begins shaking her but to no avail. "They're biting me" She cries, "They're going to eat me alive" Now Hank does the only thing he can think of doing that could possibly snap her out of the mess she is in/ the mess she is. He slaps her hard across her face with his bare hand. Brooke appears astonished but no longer hysterical.

"Brooke honey, their is no infestation, their are no ants" Her face then falls into a downtrodden expression. "W'what?" She asks. "There are no red ants" Hank says. "There... there aren't?" She asks her voice in a scared cold icy whisper. "No babe they're not" The news that their are no red ants is far worse then the news that their are red ants. She leans against the wall and crumples slowly down to the ground. "Oh my god Hank. Oh my god" She cries.

"I'm sick" "Huh?" He asks, "I'm I'm crazy. I'm losing my mind. I' I need help" She then puts her hand to her mouth and sobs uncontrollably. "Hey it's okay babe" Hank says. "It's going to be okay" She then lashes out at him for the second time that day . "How is this remotely okay?" She cries. "What about this situation is okay in the slightest? I just acted like a crazy person and threw all our bedding out the window" Hank smirks. "It's not funny" She snaps. Hank clears his throat. "Uh no" He says, "You are most certainly right. It's not funny" She supposes that in any other situation it might be funny. Like it was funny the time that Ruby had thrown Alex's stuff out the window, or was it Alex who threw his stuff out the window? She couldn't remember the exact details of the situation.

But irrigardless it was funny and also irrigardless this situation was NOT funny. She had thrown all of her and Hanks bedding out the window for a colony of red ants that didn't exist, they only existed in her imagination and that of course was where the loony/sick/mentally ill/crazy/cuckoo/needed to be locked up in Bedlam part came in. "I'm crazy" She said again this time in a more hushed whispery type of voice. "No baby you're not" He says. She nods her head slowly letting tears spill down her cheeks. "Oh yes I am" She says. "I mean how else can you explain it? How else can you explain this, how else can you explain the daymares"

"Well babe" He says grabbing onto her hand, "I actually have a very logical explanation for that" "You do?" She asks, still in a hushed voice she sounds very much like a really little girl. "What's that" "Well you know it's like what Cliff said you didn't sleep for 48 hours because you were spending all your time staring at the computer looking at those depression forums. "I think they're helpful" She says once again taking on that little girls voice. He knows that they are most definitely not helpful. They are as a matter a fact they are the opposite of helpful they are unhelpful. Harmful even. Well obviously harmful. He does not want to argue with her however. She has finally found something in life that gives her pleasure and he doesn't want to take that one thing away from her. "Yeah babe I know it's helpful" He says lying right through his teeth.

"But don't you think maybe you're getting a little obsessive with it? Don't you think you need a break now and then" She gives him a rock hard scowl. "No" She says folding her arms across her chest, "I don't think that at all. I don't know why spending too much time on that sight is such a bad thing. How is wanting to get better a bad thing? I'm really trying" She is not crying not anymore, but from the sound of her voice it is most obviously clear that she is on the verge of tears. "Hey babe" He says putting his arm around her shoulder. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing necessarily all I'm saying is that you don't have to be on their 24:7, you can go on their sometimes if you want"

"Actually" She says, pushing back her bangs, "I feel like I do have to be on their 24:7" "Why Brooke?" He asks, "Why do you say that?" "Because I'm that bad" She says, "I'm that depressed" "Yeah well there's such thing as moderation you know have you ever heard of it?" "Hank that's really mean" she says. He knows it sounds harsh but he really thinks he needs to be harsh with her or else she won't get the point. Not that she is getting the point to begin with. "Well it's true" He says, "You don't have to go on their all the time" "Or what, or I'd be a goth"

"No" He says, "What?" He cannot believe how chronically she is missing the point. Brooke? Goth? She didn't have it in her, but even if she did/was goth then why would that be an issue? Why would that even be sort of an issue? Why would it even be something remotely resembling an issue? Well maybe it would be a tiny bit of an issue he decided. But THE issue? Hardly. Hardly the issue at all. Priorities she needed some big time. "Well Obviously it's affecting your sleep patterns and that's why you're so out of it today. But I think that things will get better once you get the medication" He tells her. "You really think so?" She asks. "Well I really don't see why not" He says,

"I mean you've read nothing but good reviews and your therapist said that it really made a difference in her patients life isn't that right?" "Right" She says. She doesn't dare mention the negative reviews she found on the forum, not that she really has much to say about them considering the fact that she didn't read them or anything, but she doesn't even tell him that their were negative reviews. She most certainly doesn't tell him about IAMSAD's experience with Trintelex as a matter a fact she just doesn't tell him about IAMSAD at all.

He doesn't need to know that some weirdo is stalking her on line and that she has become friends with them despite not knowing their name or gender or anything about them. "Yeah I think it should help you a lot" He says. She then starts crying again. Not sad tears this time, tears of relief. Suddenly the sound of her answering machine on her cell phone goes off. "I guess I better take this message" She says. "Yeah you better" Hank agrees. "You have one unheard voice message" The automated voicemail system says into the phone.

"Hello Brooke Meriwether this is Dr Williams, I just had one of my patients cancel on me for their appointment tomorrow at 4:30, please call me back and let me know if you'd like to fill in that appointment" She is filled with gratitude. Lo would say that the universe is looking out for her which is something they practice in Neichren Budhism. Lo is in fact a fortune baby which means she was born to Neichran Buhdhist parents and was in fact named after the practice known as the Lotus Sutra.

"Oh Thank god." Brooke says. "I guess I have an appointment at 4:30 tomorrow. "Brooke that's great news" Hank says. He is really happy/relieved for her. Suddenly she starts laughing through her tears. "What's so funny?" He asks. "We're going to go have to get those sheets and everything from outside" He is glad to hear that she has finally got her sense of humor back and finally thinks that what she has done was funny. She is also happy to see that she has gotten her sense of humor back, and why shouldn't she have it back. The wait has been cut a whole lot shorter a hell of a lot shorter. After three days when the pill kicks in the ant infestation and the daymares and especially the depression will all be distant memories.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Looks like you haven't taken your sleeping pills yet" Hank says. "Oh yeah" She says "I guess I haven't" She knows that they probably won't work anyway besides she is way too excited to sleep. "Please take them" Hank begs. "Yeah I will, Cliff says that the Rohyponal is supposed to kick in the second you take it. You do know what Rohyponal is don't you?"

"Well a sleeping pill obviously" Brooke says. "It's the same thing as Roofilin" He tells her Brooke knows that drug really well considering it is the only prescription drug she has taken. Unlike the two Halcion she had taken the night before, or was it two nights before, now she can't even remember, Roofilin actually works for her, in fact it works really well for her, it did knock her out the second she took it and she knows it will again. She pops the three pills into her mouth. Nothing.

They are not working for her at all. She decides to go down stairs on to the computer. She knows that Hank is right, she is becoming rather addictive to the sight but she really wants to confide in IAMSAD and she doesn't want anything more.

B'Dazzle: Hi I'm back did you miss me?  
IAMSAD: I did actually. Yes. How did things go with your friends was it completely awkward? It's always awkward when I get together with my friends especially now  
B'Dazzle: Well that's one way to put it I guess. I think I'm sick  
IAMSAD: Well technically yes you are. Depression is an illness after all  
B'Dazzle: I know that. That's not what I mean, I think I have something worse then depression way more serious

She tries to think of how she is going to word all of this. For a long while she just stares into space with her hands hovering above the keyboard.

IAMSAD: Hello? B'Dazzle? Brooke? Are you there?  
B'Dazzle: Yeah I'm sorry I just got a little bit side tracked  
IAMSAD: Yeah that happens sometimes, so why do you think it's something worse then depression?  
B'Dazzle: Because I'm having hallucsinations, first of all while I was over at my friends house I saw the grim reaper put his hand on my shoulder and then I started throwing up rotting corpses.  
IAMSAD: RUOK?  
B'Dazzle: no. I'm not ok. I don't even think that was really a hallucsination I think that was like more of a daymare  
IAMSAD: A what?  
B'Dazzle: Well basically like a nightmare but during the day  
IAMSAD: So you just slept during the day in other words?  
B'Dazzle: No I don't believe I was sleeping at least not according to other people, I was apparently wide awake  
IAMSAD: So like a hallucination  
B'Dazzle: Kind of I guess, but different in a way. Anyway my boyfriend thought it was nothing more then sleep deprevation, so once I got home I got into bed and I felt something stinging my entire body, it turned out to be a colony of red ants, they were everywhere their was a whole infestation of them, and I had to go and throw my whole bedding out the window and for what? for a bunch of red ants that weren't even there.

IAMSAD: Wow shit girl  
B'Dazzle: Is this normal to depression?  
IAMSAD: I've never experienced anything like that, but I have read other peoples posts, one woman talked about how she saw Demon's ripping off her cloths.  
B'Dazzle: Oh my. Well that doesn't sound nearly as bad as throwing up rotting corpses  
IAMSAD: It was bad, she saw them every single day.

Just then Hank comes in with all the bedding stuff she had thrown out the window, apparently it was a really big job. "Brooke?" He asks, "What are you still doing up. You just took three sleeping pills you shouldn't be up and about you should be in bed" "Well maybe they haven't kicked in yet" She says staring at the screen. "They should have" Hank says. "You took three of them!" "I know how many I took" She says lashing out the third time that day. "Well one of them was Roofilin, that's supposed to" "Knock you out the moment you've taken it. I've heard. It didn't I guess I'm a freak" And maybe she is. Maybe their is something wrong with her brain chemistry or body maybe she just can't respond to pills he once again thinks about how much of a mistake it is going to be having her take the Trintellix, it won't do a thing, but he does not say a peep about it.

"You aren't on that website again are you?" He asks. "No" Brooke says, "What website would that be?" "Very funny" Hank says, "That website you've been obsessing with for days snuh" "I just want to know if it's normal to have hallucinations with depression" "Well yes." Hank says, "Yes it is, because you lost sleep over this silly site because of well because of depression." "It's not a silly website to me" She bursts out. "Yeah well it's what's causing your your this" "My this?" She asks exasperated as ever. "What the fuck is my this?" "You know" He says,

"God damnit, I'm going to fix up your bed for you and then you are going to go lie down in it because you took three god damn fucking sleeping pills." "THEY AREN'T WORKING!" She screams and then knocks over the chair. He has never seen her so damn scary. He is worried she is going to start attacking him and backs away.

"Yeah well they should, and they probably will" He says in a scared voice "No they won't, I think I just need more. Do you think maybe you could call Cliff up and ask him to give me one more Roofilin? I think that's what I need" "Damn it Brooke no you don't of course you've taken enough you took three" "SNUH" She snaps. She then once again becomes tearful and apologetic again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry" She wails, "please don't hurt me" He has no idea what she is talking about, if anything she was about to hurt him.

"What?" He asks in honest confusion. She collapses to her knees and sobs.

"What's WRONG with me!" She cries, "Why aren't they working?"

"Maybe because you aren't in bed?" Hank says he knows that that is a lame thing to say on so many levels and that makes a total of zero sense. She nudges him in the ribs. "You're such a dweeb" She says. "It doesn't matter where I am they'd kick in anyway and they haven't" "Yeah you're right but reguardless you should be in bed right now" "If you say I took three sleeping pills one more time I'm really going to fucking lose it" "Okay fine" He says, "I won't say it"

"Good" She says folding her arms across her chest. "Just go to sleep" He says. "NO!" She shrieks kicking the brick wall. "I can't sleep I can't fucking sleep besides it's something like 1:00" Hank is completely at lost ends, in literally seconds she is not the only one crying. Now they are both crying. Great. Just god damn fucking great

The pills never do end up working. She is once again up all night but at least this time she actually stays in bed which is really fucking painful. Her clock reads 1:30. She tosses and turns in her bed. She decides that it won't hurt to maybe take one more halcion, maybe four will do the trick. What the hell is she thinking it had been literally hours since she took the other three there is no way they'd still be in her system. She doesn't want to wake Hank up who is sleeping so soundly. No fair no fucking fair, so she decides she will just help herself to one of his pills, he probably won't ever know the difference at least she can't really expect him to notice much of a difference. She gingerly walks to the bathroom and takes out one pill she pops it into her mouth. Nothing.

But she supposes she wasn't really expecting any effects. He has quite a full bottle of pills maybe she should take more. She takes another one, then another she then takes exactly 24 the number of her age. One by one she pops them into her mouth like mentos. She sits at the edge of the bathtub waiting for something to happen but still nothing, wait actually yes something. She is feeling more riled up and extra alert and super anxious. Her heart is beating so fast against her chest that she can swear it can be heard a mile away. She feels in fact more awake then she has in a really long time like she has chugged down maybe 24 red bulls. Why does she feel like this?

Didn't she take sleeping pills? She breathes heavily. Maybe she should just take 25. 25 will work it has to. 25 has got to be the magic number. She wonders if she will ever even survive to be 25. As depressed as she may be.

She doesn't want to die. One of her all time favorite movies is an idependent Drama/Comedy/Fantasy called "Wristcutters: A Love Story" It is about teenage boy who commits suicide. He goes to an after life that is supposed to be like Hell only it is quite a lot different from any of the bibles depiction of hell. In that hell it is like the person who commited suicides life only as they put in the movie just a little bit worse and of course theirs also the fact that theirs also no way out, once you are there you are their for good. They had never actually said this in the movie but her take on it is that if a person is to kill themselves in that Hell they will be sent to a lower level of Hell and it will keep getting worse. But her life is not bad. She has a good life. A perfectly good life, the only thing bad about her life is her crippling depression which is probably just going to get worse in every dimension of hell. She has never been raised Catholic or any other kind of Christian but the movies depiction of Hell is most definitely something she can believe. Anxiously she jostles Hank who is still sleeping soundly.

"Hank" She cries shaking him by the shoulders. "Hank wake up" He wakes up startled. "Brooke?" He asks. "What's wrong babe? Are you all right?" Her eyes are really wide. "I' I did something really stupid just now Hank" She says. "Oh shit Brooke" Hank says,

"What did you do?" She gently grabs on to his hand and leads him into the bathroom where she shows him the almost empty bottle of his Halcion. "Oh my god Brooke you didn't. How many" "25" She says. "Are you okay?" He asks her. "No" She says in a little girl voice once again.

"25 Brooke?" He cries, "What were you trying to do" "It's not what it looks like" She says. "No?" He asks. "Then what the hell is this?" "I, I just wanted to sleep."

"Uhuh" He says. "God damnit Brooke, god fucking damnit" "Don't yell at me" She says. "You have to believe me" "Why shouldn't I believe that you weren't trying to off yourself? You're obviously depressed" "Yeah I'm depressed" She says,

"I'm not suicidal, I just wanted to sleep I took 25 god damn pills why am I not asleep?" "You took my Halcion?" Hank asks. "I think so" She says, "It was dark I couldn't really see what I was taking" "Well that sure is stupid now isn't it" Hank says folding his arms across his chest. He turns on the light and sees that his Halcion is still safely tucked away.

She didn't take Halcion at all. So what the fuck did she take? He then sees the half empty bottle and shoves it at her. "Brooke this is my Viagra" He says. "You you you you you dumb blonde" Brooke's jaw drops open and he can't tell if that's because of the news that she just took Viagra or because he called her a dumb blonde. "It's Viagra?" She asks, "Well then I should be feeling super horny" Hank face palms. "Shouldn't I?" She asks. "No Brooke" He says, "You shouldn't it doesn't work for women it's for men who are having errectile dysfunction. Anyway could I please see your phone" "No" She says, "Why?" "I'm need to get Dr. Williams number" "My appointment isn't until 4:30 though remember?" "Yeah I remember, but what we're going to do is take you to the emergency room and then I'm going to call Dr. Williams" "He won't see me, he doesn't see me until 4:30" "I'm aware of that" Hank says, "But he will see you now, he better see you now, because this is a god damn fucking emergency.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

He doesn't even bother calling 911, he just drives her there. "Hank, I'm I'm really sorry" She says, "I really wasn't trying to off myself" "Uh huh!" He says, they are quiet for a while. "So um have you seen the movie Wristcutters?" She asks "No Brooke I haven't seen that movie, do you really think we can just talk about what movies we've seen at a time like this? No we can't" "For your information I didn't bring it up for small talk" "Oh yeah? Then why'd you bring it up?" "Because for your information that movie is the reason why I don't want to commit suicide" "What are you saying about?" He asks. "I" She says. She supposes if he hasn't seen it then she doesn't really feel much like explaining it to him. Her cheeks suddenly go red with embarrassment. "Never mind just forget it" She says. She then puts on her headphones and spaces out to music. She suddenly becomes nauseated which is only to be expected from taking 25 Viagra. "Hank please pull over" She begs. "I can't we have to get you to the emergency room ASAP" "God damnit Hank pull over" She says. "Fine" He says. She then get's out and throws up all of the tiny blue pills. He shows no sympathy but of course why should he. She had gone and done something that really sucked. "I think I got rid of all the pills" She says, "I guess I don't need my stomach pumped after all" "Oh no we're not turning around" Hank says, "We really need to get you to the emergency room" "But I'm fine, I threw up all the pills their out of my system" He doesn't say anything he just continues driving. She leans her head against Hanks shoulder, causing to swerve the steering wheel. She always does that when Hank is mad at her, when anyone is mad at her for that matter and when she really really wants forgiveness. "God damnit Brooke" Hank snaps, "What the fuck are you trying to do get us in an accident?" "I'm sorry" She whispers staring down at the floor. "I just, I really want you to forgive me and I'd understand if you didn't because it's an awful lot to forgive" "Damn right it is" He says still driving. "Are we getting divorced?" She asks really quietly still staring at the ground. "What was that?" He asked. "I just asked if we were getting a divorce" She says shrugging. "Well no" He says, "Because the thing about being divorced is you kind of have to be married. But if you're asking if we're going to break then no we're not" "Why not?" She asks, "You have every reason to want to" "Well because" He says, "I don't think you've noticed this but this is probably the worst time for us to possibly break up right now" She blinks her eyes a couple of times. "Why do you say that?" She asks. "Because you're suicidal and so damn vulnerable and you stole a bunch of my pills. If we break up I'm scared you might actually do it so I guess, It kind of feels like I'm stuck with you and that really sucks because I really really don't want to have to deal with you, but I'd look like a total dick dumping you right now when you're in such bad shape" "Owe" She says staring at the floor. They then continue to drive in silence. Hank takes the opportunity to think about just how damn unfair the situation is "So there was this movie I saw where this guy did almost exactly the same thing I did. Except he took a bunch of birth control pills he thought for sure he was taking sleeping pills" She laughs nervously. "Isn't that stupid?" She asks. "Damn right" He says, he can't believe she is doing it again. She is making small talk about movies in her serious situation. Suicide movies none the less and even worse laughing about the fact that someone did almost the same thing she did. "I can't for the life of me remember what it was called" She says. "Well" He asks, "Was it a funny movie?" "No" She says, "Not at all, it wasn't funny at all" "No?" He asks, "Then why are you laughing?" She stares down at the ground and then shuts up. "Before I dissappear" She suddenly blurts out. "Before you disappear what?" He says. She nervously giggles again. "That's the name of the movie." She says, "We can rent it later today if you'd like" She shrugs her shoulders looking all innocent. "And get some ideas about how to off yourself. No thank you. Oh wait sounds like you already got some ideas from that movie." "Hank I told you" She whines, "It was an honest mistake and I'm pretty sure I also told you that it wasn't a suicide attempt" "We're here" He says pulling up into the parking lot of the hospital. "C'mon let's go"  
"Hank wait up" She says trailing behind him. "You have every right to break up with me and you have my permission to break up with me" "I have your permission to break up with you" He repeats. "Yes" She says, "Absolutely." "I do? No I don't" Hanks says "Hank look" She says, "I don't think I want to deal with living in the same house if you're going to be mad at me" "So now you're making me the villain in this situation?" "No" She says, "No not at all. This situation doesn't have villains it's not a disney movie or a superhero comic or a soap opera or something" It's not a soap opera? That is most certainly news to him. "You know what Brooke?" He says, "It's kind of hard for me to be mad at you knowing that you're probably not going to live much longer" He keeps walking and she keeps trying to keep up with him. "Hank that's mean" She whines. "So you're not mad at me?" She asks, "because you sure seem mad and it's perfectly okay to be mad at me when I did something totally deserving of it" "It's really not though" He says. "No it is" She says, "Be mad at you all you want. I want you to be mad at me in fact" "Well" He says, "Too bad" She follows him up to the receptionist in the emergency room. "What can I do for you too" She asks. "My girlfriend here swallowed a bunch of pills and she needs to have her stomach pumped" "No I don't" She protests, "I threw them all up on the way over" "She didn't" Hank says, "She took 25 there's no way she could have possibly gotten them all out of her system." "Are you okay?" The receptionist asks her. "No she's not" Hank says, "She's not okay she's suicidal" "I am not" She cries, "How many times do I have to tell you I'm not" "Well irregaurdless" The receptionest says, "We're still going to have to pump your stomach" "But no you don't have to, I'm fine" "Well okay then, what's your name" "Her names Brooke" Hank says. "Okay then Brooke what we're going to do is preform a blood test to make sure you don't have any drugs in your system, if you do then we're going to have to pump your stomach." She then turns to Hank "Either way, we're going to have to hold you here for a while until we all agree that you can be safe. We'd also like to maybe bring in somebody from our psychiatric unit to talk to her." "She has a Psychiatrist" Hank says hastily, "Do you have his number" She asks, "No need" He says, "You already have someone coming into talk to her and she also has an appointment with him at 4:30." "Well that sounds perfect" The receptionist says, "We will definitely have her discharged by then. You guys may sit in the waiting room while I go ahead and order your blood tests, there are magazines here for you guys to look at while you're waiting" But she does not grab a magazine she just sits their nervously shaking her leg. She looks so psychotic when she does that, but maybe she is. Every now and then she get's up to make sure the receptionist is ready for her and it is really driving him nuts at one point she asks if they'd forgotten her. "Damn Brooke" Hank says, "She'll call you when she's ready" "I thought you said you weren't mad at me" She says pitifully. Hank just rolls his eyes and returns to his magazine. "How much longer do you think it's going to take?" She asks "I don't know, there's a lot of patients here you're not the only one here you know" "Hank that's mean" She whines. Good lord. She just thinks everything he says is mean. He is starting to realize that she is really bringing out the worst in him and that really sucks.  
"Brooke" The receptionist says. "An ER doctor will see you" "Hi Brooke" A young black woman says, "I'm Donna. I'm going to preform some blood tests for you" "I'll go with her" Hank says. "Come along" Donna says. "All right Brooke" Donna says, this is going to sting a little bit. But by the way Brooke is reacting it seems like it more then just stings a little. She cries really really hard like she is being whipped or something. "Are you okay honey?" Donna asks. "She just doesn't like shots very much" Hank says even though she's never in her life had a problem with shots. She then says something inaudable which sounds vagually to Hank like "Everyone's mad at me" "Sweetie no one's mad at you" Donna says gently stroking her arm, apparently she is able to decipher what she has said and apparently that is what she said. "No" Hank says, "No one is" "All right, this is going to just be in here for a couple more minutes" "It hurts" She moans. "Yeah well it will be out momentarily" "How long is momentarily?" She asks still bawling. Donna checks her watch. "10 more minutes" "No" She moans. "No!" "I'm sorry it hurts" She says. "A lot of my patients just have a low pain threshold and a lot of other patients just really don't like needles" Neither of these apply to Brooke she probably just wants everyone to feel damn sorry for her. Well she is getting it from Donna, but she is not getting it from him. "10 minutes have been up" Donna says in what seems to Brooke like almost eternities. "It has?" She asks still tearfully. She wails and screams bloody murder when Donna pulls the needle from her arm. What a god damn fucking drama queen she is. "So?" Hank asks after a long moment of silence. "What you got?" "She still has a lot of the sildenafil or as you know better as Viagra in her blood stream" "So she's going to have to have her stomach pumped then?" Donna nods her head slowly. "Yes I'm afraid so" She says. If Brooke was crying before now she is crying about 5 billion times louder and maybe about 10 billion times harder. Good lord. Just good fucking lord. "It will be okay" Donna says, "The doctor will take good care of you, just wait here while I get him" She gives her a quick squeeze of the knee and a pat on the back.  
"God damnit Brooke" Hank snaps as soon as Donna is clear out of the room and it is locked behind them. "How could you go and make a scene like that, people could probably here you from all the way across the hospital. It's bad enough that you took all my Viagra" "I didn't take all of your Viagra" She says bitterly, "I took 25 pills" "Okay fine" He says, "If you want to take it all literally. It's bad enough that you took 25 of my pills and now you have to go and embarrass me by making the biggest scene out of anyone here" She stares down at her feet. "I'm sure that's not true" She says folding her arms across her chest. "Okay so I guess you want to get all literal about it again?" "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you" She says. "Yeah you did embarrass me" "We could spend some time apart if you'd like" He face palms. "Brooke just. Just stop this already. Just give it a god damn fucking rest" She has never heard him swear so much. "I think that would be the best thing for both of us don't you?" "Tell me this Brooke where would you go? Where would I go?" She shrugs "I guess you don't have to go anywhere, you can have the house, I'll leave I'll move in with, I'll move in with Lo or someone" "Damnit" He says face palming. "Or maybe on second thought I'll buy a new place maybe somewhere out of East Lansing, maybe I just need to get out of here" "God damnit Brooke" He says again. "How exactly are you going to pay for that?" "I don't know maybe with money." "What money?" He asks. "Hank that's mean" She whines for maybe the third time that day. "I do so have money. I have a job. I work with a business after all I make plenty of good money" He rolls his eyes and scoffs. "Well even if you did have enough money the answer is no, you are not moving out on your own. That is the worst idea right now" "I think I need to be alone I think that's what I need" "That is actually exactly what you don't need" He says. "Fine maybe I should move to Bedlam" She suggests "You mean that place for the crazies in England. You want to move all the way to England" "I think that might be a really good idea but it won't be a forever thing it will just be temporary, just until things blow over you know, just until we can laugh at this situation" "I don't think we'll ever be able to laugh at this situation" "Well you know we might" She says "I mean if you think about it, it really is kind of funny and it might be a good story to tell our kids some day" She is able to somehow laugh through her tears although it sounds very much forced. "No it's not going to be funny either. And as for your idea about having kids that's going to be kind of hard for us when your locked up in bedlam don't you think?" "I thought I told you" She protested, "I'm not going to be locked up there it's only temporary I told you" "Yeah" He says, "You did tell me that unfortunately that's not the way things work with Bedlam, it's almost like once you're their you're their for good" She blinks a couple of times. "No I don't think so" She says. "Uh yeah" He says, "You can't get out of Bedlem that's the point of Bedlem, they lock up crazy people their for good" She folds her arms across her chest. "Well Hank" She says, "Maybe that's what I need" "To be locked up in some kind of prison" "Hmm" She says, "I haven't really thought about prison, but stealing is a crime isn't it?" He facepalms once again, she really needs to stop making him do that so damn much. "Yes Brooke it's a crime and no Brooke you are not going to prison" "I"m not why not" "Well first off I didn't call the cops and secondly I didn't think you would be able to handle prison, you'd probably find someway to kill yourself" "But I'm not suicidal" She whines again and man is she ever starting to sound just like a broken record. "No?" He asks, "Well I'll tell you what. You probably would be if you were sent to prison. Anyway Bedlam is pretty much just like Prison once you're their you're there you're pretty much stuck their for life" "That's not true" She protests, "It's absolutely nothing like prison. It's where people go to get help that's what they do in Mental Health facilities isn't it" She is so naive about everything it disgusts him. He honestly can't believe that a person can genuinly be so naive. He facepalms for the billionth time or whatever he really has lost count of how many times she has made him do that. "Brooke" He says, "Bedlam is not a Mental Health Facility Bedlam is an Insane Assylum" Brooke folds her arms across her chest. "The correct term is Mental Health Facility, what are we living in the 1800's or something?" "Well yes in most cases that is correct, but Bedlam is different besides it's all the way in England, you wouldn't last their for a second so you know what just? Just forget it" He says. "I don't think theirs any way you can get your stupid dumb blonde head of yours around this concept. Her mouth moves but she is at a loss for words. "Hank, I'm, I'm really sorry" "Okay fine" He says going back to his magazine. "What are you reading about?" She asks nonchalantly leaning in next to him. "Brooke leave me alone" He snaps, getting up and moving to the opposite end of the room which is very tiny so theirs really non much he can really do to get away from her "I thought you said you weren't mad at me" She says in her pathetic little girl voice once again. "I'm not" He says, "I just want some space" "So you want me to move out" She asks, "No Brooke I want some space right now, I don't want you bugging me about what I'm reading" "Well what are you reading?" She asks once again clearly insisting on being ever so god damn infuriating. He throws back his head in exasperation. "You are mad" She says, "I can tell, you know how I can tell. Because I can read you're Aura and I'm clearly sensing some anger from their" This also infuriates him because it is clearly really obvious that he is acting angry and is doing really nothing whatsoever to hide his feelings she should have said that like a normal person. "Hey Brook" A very handsome black doctor says, "My name is Dr. Stevenson, you may call me Dale" Brooke suddenly without any warning disolves into tears. "Are you okay ma'am?" Dr. Stevenson asks. "I did something stupid and now my boyfriends mad at me and everyone's mad at me and he's never going to forgive me and neither is no one else and we're never going to have the same relationship we've had before" She basically melts into the doctors chest and sobs a full body sob. Hank is beyond infuriated with her and he has every reason to be she is just beyond infuriating. But the most beyond infuriating part about the whole thing is that no matter how awful things get he can't leave her. It takes all Hank has in him to compose himself to not to trash the office or bite down on his cell phone or do any of that shit that he really wants to do because he finds this situation so god damn infuriating. "It's all right" The doctor says, "No one's mad at you" "I've heard" She sobs, "That's what pretty much everyone has been saying about me, but my boyfriend here is clearly mad" "No I'm not" Hank says sounding exhasperated but not quite mad she supposes. "No he is, I can tell I've been reading his Aura all day and I can tell that he's angry and why shouldn't he be I did steal his pills it was a stupid thing to do" "Yes" Hank says. "It was stupid, it was really stupid, but I'm still not mad at her" "You are so" Brooke protests. "No Brooke" Snaps "I'm not mad at you god damnit" "Well then why did you just snap at me?" She then turns to Dr. Stevenson, "He is mad at me" "Nah" The doctor says, "No one's mad at you" "I'm not stupid" She protests, "My boyfriend is mad at me. "Look kids" Dr. Stevenson says, "We really need to get this thing going, It's really important that I get the drugs out of her system before she get's intoxicated. As if she isn't already completely intoxicated, if that isn't at least part of the reason she is acting so ridiculous. "All right Brooke" He says, "Follow me" He then turns to Hank. "Will you accompany her this time? What did you say your name is?" He has already made up his mind. He is done with her. He is done dealing with her insisting he is mad at her, done trying to walk on eggshells around her, done with her melodramatics, done with her crazy ass halluscinations, but sadly none of this is true unless he can pawn her off on someone else, even if he could he wouldn't because that just wouldn't be fair, then he is stuck with her. But right now he has a chance to be by himself and he decides he will take full advantage of it. "I didn't say my name" He says, "But it's Hank. and no I think I'll just stay here" "All right Hank" The doctor said, "We'll have her good as new in about an hour" Good as new? Yeah right. Brooke would never be Good as new again. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Brooke follows Dr. Stevenson to a tiny room which appears to be shockingly empty and also shockingly white. Almost bare of posters which she has expected to see in a doctors office. The brightness is only exassarrbating the headache that she already has

"All right Brooke" He says, "Have you done this before?" She shakes her head "No never" She says. And she is absolutely right. She has never overdosed on pills the thought has never occured to her it had never cross her mind and why should it? Right before her eyes she is transforming into a person she doesn't recognize and she doesn't like that person. She more then doesn't like that person.

She hates that person. She hates Brooke Meriwether. The new Brooke Meriwether that is, who she is starting to question even IS Brooke Meriwether. She liked the old Brooke Meriwether. Scratch that LIKES the old Brooke Meriwether. She was always really comfortable with the person she was flaws and all. No complaints. She wants the old Brooke Meriwether back, but that Brooke is no where to be seen. The old Brooke Meriwether is unfortunately a thing of the past. She is now nothing more then a former shell of the person she used to be. That saddens her. Deeply saddens her. But then just when she was thinking about the whole concept of the former shell of her self, she realizes that it has completely escaped her mind that she has an appointment with Dr. Williams at 4:30. She is so scatter brained these days.

It's no wonder that Hank has called her a dumb blonde and she does feel like she's dumb The old Brooke Meriwether was naive, she was gullible, she was spacy, she was air headed, she was well a bit of a ditz, well maybe a tiny bit more of a ditz maybe a total ditz well at least enough of a ditz that even her best friends had been surprised when she announced that she had a college degree, those were things everyone who knew her knew about, but this new Brooke Meriwether she's seriously dumb, she's is an idiot, she is borderline retarded, she must be only someone borderline retarded would mistake Viagra for Halcion, and on top of that she is also very clearly CrayCray. She pushes these thoughts away and thinks about the appointment. If the Trintilex is really as good as everyone has been giving it credit for then the real Brooke Meriwether is just three days of pink pills away.

"All right Brooke" Dr Stevenson instructs "you may go ahead and lay on your back on this table right over here. I will be right back with the equipment, this is kind of like a surgery so I will be hooking you up to an anethsetic.

Brooke just nods as she does what she is told to do. She thinks about what would have happened if she hadn't told Hank about the pills. She would be dead and sent to the depiction of Hell which she has adopted from the movie wristcutters which she now finds increasingly cringeworthy, but at least it is the one thing that's keeping her alive right? That and the combination with the anticipation that the Trintilex is going to save her life like it has for so many people. If she were in Hell her life would be a tiny bit worse although right now she can't think of how it could possibly get a tiny bit worse it's already as bad as it can get, In the back of her mind she knows that of course it can get worse, there's always that possibility she just doesn't really know how it could and honestly she doesn't want to think right now anyway she's way too tired. She does wonder what heaven is like in that movie.

It was obviously not depicted in the movie but she imagines with the logic the movie is going by with Hell being similar to a person's life but a tiny bit worse, it would probably be kind of the same thing with heaven except it would be like the person's real life only maybe a tiny bit better or maybe a lot better maybe like 50 billion times better. In the movie, the people who are sent to heaven are the people who die a natural death.

But it is not about people who die naturally after all who would want to see a movie about that? Boring! As she stares at the ceiling and comes up with natural death scenarios in her head. Maybe on the way back from the hospital Hank will be so mad that he won't be driving straight and they will get in a freak accident. She doesn't wish this on Hank at all, she hopes if the car comes at them it only hits her side.

The idea makes her smile and it sickens her that it does. Or maybe she'll be walking across the street and get hit by a mac truck. Shit happens doesn't it, or even more likely the doctor will botch the stomach pumping opperation then she will go to heaven and get an even better version of her old life back.

She is giddy with excitement about the whole idea of the opperation getting botched. It is a really good hospital she knows that, but sometimes even really good hospitals make mistakes don't they? She is excited about dying. It suddenly occurs to her that maybe she really is suicidal, maybe being that excited about dying qualifies for suicidal. Maybe she will go to hell because she is excited about death. There is one thing she does know for sure and that is that she is really sick and twisted. She then and there decides that she is not going to be sick and twisted anymore she is going give the supposed wonder drug trintellex a good try before she thinks about death ever again

"All right Brooke" Dr. Stevenson says letting himself in

"Thank you for waiting so patiently, I know that can be hard to do. Truth be told it actually wasn't so hard considering the fact that her mind was on other things mostly plans for her own death.

"This machine we have here is known as a gastric suction, it going to be used pump your stomach" he says refferring to the huge intimidating piece of equipment he sets aside her bedside.

"I understand you've never had this procedure done before so I will tell you how it works, first of all I'm going to give you some medicine that is going to numb your throat and prevent you from gagging" He hands her a cup with some a clear colored liquid. She tosses it down like she is tossing down a shot glass.

"Atta girl" He says, "It will take a while to kick in, but when it does I will insert a tube into your nose and thread it through your esophogus through your stomach." That is already making her gag and she hasn't even gone through the process yet. "Do you?" She asks,

"Do you ever botch the surgery?" She hopes she doesn't sound too excited about this question. He chuckles a tiny chuckle akin to the family doctor in the Simpsons. "Never" He says, "It is a very impossible surgery to botch." "Oh" She says unable to hide her disappointment, she realizes how that sounded and clears her throat perfusively. "I mean oh" She says feening relieved "Is this something you've been thinking about?" Bingo. She thinks to herself. Spot on in fact. He asks, "Worrying about maybe?" not so much Bingo this time, but he doesn't need to know how not Bingo it is, that's something she could discuss with the psychiatrist later today.

"Yeah" She says, "I'm worried" He chuckles his Dr Hibbertesque laugh "I will tell you something Brooke" The doctor says hooking the machine up to the wall, "You are not my first patient to ask me that question, a lot of my patients are scared that they might not make it, but trust me it is actually a very safe procedure" She nods wondering how many of his patients ask the question because they actually want to die, she is sure a good number of them do they are swallowing pills after all, some of them unlike her actually did want to die and were dragged to the hospital against their will after being found nearly dead. She is sure most of his patients didn't consider the movie wristcutters after all it is a pretty damn obscure movie.

"I been doing this for over 40 years now and I have not once had a patient die I promise" He says giving her a generous squeeze of the shoulder. She stares down at the ground. "You never know something might go wrong" She says her voice coming out more anxious then she had origninally intended it to "You're really worried about this aren't you?" He asks. "Worried?" She asks, "Um uh, no I'm uh I'm just wondering" He chuckles again.

"It's okay to be worried, I understand exactly where you're coming from" "You do?" She asks him wrinkling her nose a tiny bit "Oh sure I do" He says. She is now starting to panic, has he read her mind? Is she dealing with a telepath? "You've never had this procedure done before" She nods still staring down at the ground wishing he would not look her in the eye and tell her he understands exactly where she's coming from because he most certainly does not. It's not like it isn't a good guess or anything nor is it like he's a telepath or anything if he was then he really would know exactly where he's coming from. That being the case she most certainly isn't going to tell him her real reason for her logic. She doesn't want to burden him with something that clearly isn't his job.

"Well Brooke" He asks, "Would it help you feel better if you were put under by an anethshetic?" He asks. She shrugs. "Sure" She says. Just then the door opens a pretty young girl who is maybe just a couple of years older then Brooke and somewhat ethnic looking with dark hair and olive skin pulling behind her another big intimidating machine walks in. To Brooke she looks very similar to Minka Kelly the actress that starred in one of her favorite relitively crappy but awesome movies the Roommate which was an early 2010's version of another film which was made in the 80's that she liked called Single White Female which was also pretty bad but pretty awesome. Lo and Ruby had always argued that it was better but Brooke had always much preffered the version with Minka Kelly and her crazy co Star Leighton Meister who also stared in the amazingly crappy CW Drama Gossip Girl which Brooke also really liked. Lo and Ruby liked it too but they liked it only ironically.

Brooke did not like it Ironically not that she was ever going to tell Lo and Ruby that, Lo and Ruby were so judgmental at times that Brooke often wondered why they ever stayed bffs, she really did like the show Gossip Girl despite the fact that it was amazingly crappy and amazingly irrelivent (although she had always been a huge ass fan of old movies and TV shows; after all her all time favorite television program was/is Gilmore Girls which hasn't been on the air since 2007) She really did take Gossip seriously unlike basically every other viewer and maybe that was one of the things that made her qualify as a ditz.

That was of course when she had interests which was ages ago. Decades ago it seems like. She doubts she would like it much if she tried to watch it again. Now whenever she tries to watch anything at all it seems like she just doesn't have the attention span, now the only television she finds remotely interesting is the Trintellix commercial which is something she most definitely takes seriously. Now that she thinks about it, Trintellix in general is the only thing that keeps her going. How fucking sad. But today at 4:30 she will be part of the community that takes Trintellix, and hopefully after she starts taking Trintellix she will be able to get her interests outside of the silly old commercial back. She is not even interested in taking her life. That is how uninterested she is in things

"Brooke this is Epic Fabricious," Dr Stevenson said. "Epic has just finished her second year of residency in Anethseshology" Brooke smiles for the first time in a really long time as a sickeningly warm feeling seeps through her veins. This woman Epic is relitively new to Anethseshology it sounds like, that means one thing to Brooke and one thing only, and that is that Epic is more then just a tiny bit likely to botch the surgery. She also kind of likes it that her name is Epic. Epic as in Epic fail as in she will Epically fail with the surgery as in she will botch it as in she will kill her as in she will go to heaven. She is so sick and twisted. She knows this, but she can not stop being so sick and twisted. It is suddenly in her nature to be sick and twisted. It's the new Brooke Meriwether, the Brooke Meriwether she hates. She had told herself that she would give the Trintelix a chance, but if Epic messes up that would be okay too, Brooke thinks that she couldn't possibly go to hell for that because it wouldn't be her fault and she could probably be forgiven for wanting it so much

"Epic this is Brooke" Dr. Stevenson Says. "Nice to meet you Brooke" Epic says,

"Nice to meet you Epic" Brooke says,

"So Epic, Brooke here has overdosed on viagra" Dr. Stevenson explains, although he is trying to sound serious Brooke can sense that their is some degree of amusement in his voice and who can really blame him, by all means it is pretty funny.

"Oh my god really?" Epic asks, she then stiffles a laugh which is pretty darn pointless because the next thing she blurts out is "That's so funny. Why?" She clears her throat realizing she's being unprofessional. "I mean I'm sorry, that's really not funny, are you okay? Did anything seriously weird happen" Brooke already likes how unprofessional Epic is. Brooke clears her throat. "I didn't know what I was taking" She said.

"They were my boyfriends." "You took a bunch of medication and you didn't even know what you were taking that's really hilar" Dr. Stevenson interrupts her their. "Epic" He says in a warning voice. "I'm sorry" She says, "how very unprofessional of me. I've just I've seriously never heard of anyone doing that before, I've honestly heard of some pretty weird OD stories but Viagra? That's just unheard of"

"That's enough Epic" Dr. Stevenson says. "He also takes a sleeping pill called Halcion" Epic nods. "That one actually IS common" she says. "Sedatives are the most popular. I guess people just figure that it's the easiest way out, if you take a bunch of Sedatives you can just fall asleep and never wake up again. The reason why it's so popular is because it's such a painless way to go" Brooke likes the sound of that, a painless way to go.

"I mean there's nothing better then dying in your sleep" Epic says. Brooke thinks that sounds amazing and wishes it had been Halcion she had taken instead of god damn fucking Viagra, on second thought however maybe that wouldn't work for her, after all the roofilin didn't work for her and roofilin is a really powerful drug that is apparently supposed to knock a person out the second they take it, at least that was what Cliff had guaranteed her. "I've actually never heard of anyone accidentally taking a different drug" Epic says.

"It was dark" Brooke says shrugging. "I didn't know what I was taking, I guess I didn't really think my boyfriend took any other drugs aside from Halcion"

"Oh Man" Epic says holding her hand to her mouth. Brooke can absolutely not help but to love her unproffessionality. It's just to good to be true. "Epic that's enough" Dr. Stevenson says again, "We need to get too this. I hope you realize that you're being very, very unprofessional right now" He then turns his attention to Brooke. "I'm very sorry she's being unprofessional" He says.

"No" Brooke says, "By all means, it's okay" "No" Dr. Stevenson says, "It's really not. Epic, let's get on this, she needs some Anethesia right now get to it" "Right" Epic says, now suddenly all serious. "All right Brooke, just so you know a little bit goes a long way."

"How much is a little bit?" Brooke asks. "Well for adult patients the maximum dose is one Kg/ 10 minutes" "That doesn't sound like very much" Brooke says wrinkling her nose a tiny bit.

"Oh believe me Brooke" Epic says giving a tiny chuckle, "It's enough, as a matter a fact it's more then enough If I give you anymore then that you're going to be sorry" "Why am I going be sorry?" She asks. "Because a little too much could very possibly kill you" Epic says,

"And you wouldn't want that would you" Brooke does not tell her how much she wants that so she just shakes her head. "No I guess not" She says, although she is really not sure why she hasn't spoken up because maybe if she did they would send her to a psych ward and that's where she thinks she belongs. Anywhere she thinks is a good alternative then being locked up in a house with someone who should be mad at her for obvious reasons.

"I mean I wouldn't be sorry If I were dead" She says, "Because I'd be dead" Although she would most certainly would be sorry if she were sent the other way. "So has that ever happened that you've killed someone here?"

"She's really worried about this" Dr. Stevenson says, which she's pretty sure he's already said. "Yeah I can kind of tell" Epic says, "Well the answer is no" She says, "I haven't ever killed anyone during the anethsethtic process, things can go wrong they do sometimes but if you know the right dosing and how to do it safely then I think we're going to be good. The worst case scenario is going to be that your going to feel a bit groggy for the rest of the day, but that's only to be expected" "Oh" Brooke says, she can tell that she's most likely doing a horrible job at hiding her disappointment, but learns that she is apparently not because neither Epic or Dr. Stevenson seem to notice.

"All right let's get this thing started." Epic "So Brooke do you have a preference for which arm?" Epic asks.

"No not really" She says, "I guess right" That is after all the arm she had been poked and prodded with earlier that day, why not poke and prod with it even more, also she is left handed so she might as well have her non dominant arm be sore all day "All right" Epic says in a warning tone of voice. "This is a general anethsethtic, it only takes 10 seconds to kick in and it's very very potent, I'd like you to stick your arms out for me palm side up" Brooke does as she is told.

"Atta girl" Epic says, She then feels around for her veins "Now what I'm going to do is insert this tiny butterfly shaped needle which is hooked up to this machine into your forearm" Epic numbs her arm with something really cold that causes her to shiver uncontrollably. "You okay?" Epic asks. "It's just really cold that's all"

"That's just the rubbing alcohol" Epic says, "It's supposed to numb your arm so the shot doesn't sting so much.

"Right" Brooke says. "All right Brooke" Epic says, "On the count of three, we will get this started, one two" For some reason even though she had been warned in advanced that it would be given to her at the count of three, she is still not prepared and let's out a loud blood curdling scream, it is probably to be expected by passer byers considering the fact that it is an emergency room, but she's pretty sure none of those people would possibly be able to guess what the situation is. "My god are you okay?" Epic asks.

"It hurts" She cries. Tears are now streaming down her cheeks, she has never had a problem with shots yet now she has had two major freak outs about them in one day, in less then two hours of a day. She just can't stand the pain. Maybe Hank is right. Maybe she does have a bad threshold for pain, she hasn't before but she sure does now "She then yanks the thing out of her arm" "You don't want to do that" Epic says in a not so firm voice. "Why don't I?" Brooke says folding her arms across her chest.

"It's not like it's working anyway" "Well it will work" Epic says, "It just hasn't been 10 minutes yet" "It hasn't?" Brooke asks, "How would you know?" "Oh believe me" She says, "You will know all right, you will really know when you are feeling the effects" "Have you ever had them before? She asks. "Well yes actually I have had Anethesisa before during my wisdom teeth removal and yes it is very powerful and yes you will know when it kicks in" She then proceeds to stick the needle. "Like I said this should kick in in 10 minutes" Epic says. For reason's that Brooke can not explain it hurts even more the second time she puts it in her arm, as a matter a fact it more then hurts. "Get it out of me" She wails. "It feels like something's eating away at my flesh" To her it's not just like that, it's literally eating away at it, she can see bits of flesh dissapearing where the needle has been placed in her arm "Oh my" Epic says, "Are you okay?" "No!" Brooke wails. "Get this out of me" She is once again hysterical. Epic gently puts her hand on her shoulder. "Brooke" She says,

"Brooke sweetie" Brooke is unable to hear her over her hysterical screaming and crying. "Brooke can you hear me?" Epic shouts. When she makes no response Epic grabs her by the shoulders and gives her a firm shake. "Brooke!" She says loudly, when that isn't effective she grabs firmly with each of her hands grabs on to both sides of her face. "Look at me okay, look me in the eye" Brooke does as she is told, although of course she really has no choice since Epic is pretty much forcing her she is still of course very much hysterical. "Listen to me Brooke" Epic says "I'd like you to do something for me okay?"

"What's that?" Brooke manages to get out" "I'd like you to breath okay, just breath take in a deep breath okay? Can you do that for me?" Brooke does as she's told and takes a shaky uncomfortable breath. "All right Brooke" Epic says, "Now I'd like you to count backward from 10 could you do that for me?" "I guess so" Brooke says. "10, 9, 8, 7, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" "You missed 6" Epic says.

"God fucking damnit" Brooke says, "It's okay" Epic tells her, "It happens. wanna try again" Brooke shrugs. "Sure why not" She says. "10, 9, 8, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" She had this time forgotten 7 but neither Epic nor Dr. Stevenson say anything about it. "So?" Brooke asks, "Was something supposed to happen, was my counting down from 10 supposed to do something?" Epic nods, "Well yes actually it was, in 10 seconds the Anethsesia was supposed to kick in, so techinically we shouldn't be having this conversation, technically you should be knocked out, or at least getting drowsy." Brooke shakes her head sullenly. "I don't feel a thing" She complains. "It's not working, why isn't it working"

"I, I don't know" Epic says, she then turns to Dr. Stevenson, "Could you check to make sure I have this thing on?" She asks. Dr. Stevenson nods his head. "Looks like you most certainly do" "Then why isn't it working?" Brooke shrieks she is becoming hysterical once again. Nothing works for her, not roofilin not halcion not even anethesia. She begins hyperventilating. "Hey" Epic says placing her hand on Brookes shoulder.

"Hey it's okay" She says, "It's going to be okay. Sometimes these things just take a while. Sometimes it works differently in other patients." "Maybe I need more" She says. Epic looks helplessly at Dr. Stevenson. "Should I give her more?" She asks him. "I wouldn't if I were you" He says, "But it isn't working" Epic says. "I usually don't recomend this"

Dr. Stevenson says, "But since this patient is so agitated, why don't we give it another 10 seconds, if it doesn't kick in we'll raise her dosage a tiny bit, I'd say maybe raise it to 1 and a half Kg. That to Brooke does not seem like enough at all, and she let's them know that. "Oh believe me Brooke it's enough in fact it's more then enough. Way more then enough even" Epic says.

Brooke folds her arms very tightly against her chest and sticks out her lips. "Well that's what you said about the last dosage and that sure as hell isn't working now is it?" "Well it still could" Epic says, "Hopefully you won't need the extra dose because neither of us want to have to come to this." "It's probably already been 10 seconds anyway"

Brooke says. "You know you're probably right" Epic says. She then poses for a quick second and turns to Dr. Stevenson. "Are you really sure this is a good idea?" She asks. "I mean I've seriously never done this before are you sure this wouldn't be considered a form of malpractice"

"I think it will be fine" Dr Stevenson says, "The truth is I've never done this before either but I've also never had a patient this agitated before" Brooke hates the way they are talking about her the way she is right there. "You've never had a patient get agitated before?" Epic asks, "I mean I have" Dr. Stevenson says, "But never this agitated, never agitated enough to be unresponsive to sedatives" "I suppose you're right" Epic says. "Hopefully an extra dose will help" She then turns to Brooke,

"All right Brooke" She says, "Same as before, count backwards from 10 okay?" Brooke nods. "!0, 7,6,3,21" She says. Epic and Dr. Stevenson both exchange nervous glances at eachother both knowing that she has missed a couple of numbers but neither of them say anything.

"It's not working" Brooke wails. "Why isn't it working. It's because I misscounted isn't it. It's because I missed a whole bunch of numbers" "Oh Honey no" Epic says gently pushing Brooke's bangs back, Brooke shoves her away. "Its nothing you did." Epic says leaning next to her "Did you seriously think it was something you did. Of course it's not that's just absurd. Don't worry about it if it doesn't kick in now, it will kick in in anoher 10 minutes. Would you like to try counting backwards from 10 for me again?" Brooke shrugs, "Yeah sure" She says, "!0, 9, 7, 6, 2, 1" She says, she realizes she has once again missed a bunch of numbers again only this time different numbers." She then bursts into fresh tears. "Why isn't it working. Why?" Epic helplessly turns to Dr. Stevenson "I agree" She says,

"Why?" Dr. Stevenson shrugs his shoulders. "I really can't tell you, It really should have worked by now." Brooke begins shivering uncontrollably. "What the hell is wrong with me?" She sobs. "What's wrong with me?" "It's probably not a big deal" Epic says sounding all kinds of nervous, "Every patient's a little bit different maybe you're body just takes a while to adjust to things maybe give it another 10 minutes or so" Brooke grabs on to Epic. "More" She says, "Give me more, I need more. More more more. In fact give me everything you've got" Epic slowly backs away from her trying her hardest to be proffessional.

"I'm sorry Brooke" She says, "But we can't do that" "Why not?" Brooke asks, she is starting to realize that she has started to feel more agitated since she has been given the extra dose of Anethsisia that shouldn't be the case, at least she had a good explaination to why she didn't go under after taking all of the Halcion, it was a very simple answer, it wasn't Halcion, but she's pretty sure the doctors know what they are putting in her. "The reason we can't do that is because too much Anethsisia can kill you and you don't want that do you?" Brooke shrugs. "Yeah so?" "Well for one thing that would be malpractice and we could both lose our license" "Besides" Epic says "That would be a really REALLY unfair thing to do to the people who love you!" She doesn't know why Epic sounds personally offended, she shouldn't after all. Brooke thinks of all the people who love her, she has her parents, she has Hank she has Lo and Ruby she has Paige who acts like she hates her but probably loves her deep down unconditionally. It would be unfair to all those people. She thinks of IAMSAD who has no one who loves him who has no friends and a family who has pretty much given up on him. She then thinks a totally grusome thought. "I wish I didn't have anyone who loved me" She says and realizes that she has totally let it slip her lips.

"God damnit" Epic snaps, "Don't say that! You Hear Me Brooke Don't say that!" Brooke does not understand why this is any of her business. "You have so much to live for you hear me?" Epic says, "Epic!" Dr. Stevenson says "Epic, Epic Epic" Epic bites down on her lip clearly embarrassed. "Epic I hope you realize that you're behavior right now is incredibally unprofessional it's not your place to try to consol her like this, you are not her counsiler or her therepist you are just her Anethsisiologist that's all you are you have no relationship to her" Epic's cheeks go red with embarassment. "I'm sorry" She says quietly.

"Very well then" Dr. Stevenson says, "I'll tell you one thing, even if this drug isn't working we still need to get this stomach pumping thing done pronto" "No, No!" Brooke cries. "Please no!"

"We're so sorry Brooke" Dr. Stevenson says. "But we really can't wait any longer" "No no no" She cries again. She is now bawling even harder then she had been when she came in. "I'll tell you what Brooke" Dr. Stevenson says "Let's give it another 10 seconds" "What's that going to do" Brooke asks,

"I've been giving it all kinds of 10 seconds it's probably never going to work" "Very well then" Dr. Stevenson says, "We're going to have to get this thing started now" "No no!" Brooke screams again. "Stop" She tries to fight it, but both doctors are restraining her and holding her down. If she was crying before now she is wailing, bawlling she feels like the nose tube is eating both the inside and the outside of her nose it is a very unpleasant feeling, on top of that she also feels like her stomach is being sucked out of her with the charcol infused suction.

"Stop, stop" She cries, she is unable to pull the thing out of her nose because both doctors are holding either side of her down "Get this out of me" She wails, "Get It out, Get it out"

"Are you sure we shouldn't give her at least a tiny bit more anethsisia?" Epic says loudly as she has to yell over all of Brooke's screaming and crying" "I'm sure" Dr. Stevenson says, "On top of the fact that it's obviously Malpractice and we could lose our jobs and all that I'm pretty sure it's not going to work, at the rate we're going it's probably just going to make her more agitated." Just then Epic remembers something she had learned about in Medical school something very obscure, but it is a complete aha moment for her a cartoon lightbult appears above her head. "Oh my god I think I know what she might have" She says still shouting.

"Epic save it" Dr. Stevenson says, "It's not your job to diagnose her" "I'm serious" Epic says, "I really think this could be a big peice. I really think we could figure out why she may not being responding to the Anethsesia" "Epic do you really think this is necessary?" he asks, "When I was in medical school I read about a very rare disorder called fetal familal insomnia. She seriously has all the classic symptoms. I mean she's more agitated from sedatives that's a hallmark symptom to the disorder"

"Damn Epic keep your voice down" Dr. Stevenson says, "As you well know the Anethsisea didn't work for her, she's not under, so obviously she can hear you" "I'm sure she can't" Epic says once again going all red in the face. "Not over all her screaming" It suddenly dawns on Epic that their is silence, no more screaming, how could she have not noticed that the room has gone so quiet, either the drug has finally kicked in or she has just screamed and cried herself out. She hopes that the drug has kicked in and she has totally missed the conversation. As it turns out Epic is out of luck. The drugs have not kicked in they have not kicked in at all.

Brooke's eyes are wide open and she appears frightened. "Oh my god you heard didn't you?" Epic. Brooke nods her head slowly. "How much did you hear?" Epic asks. "The whole thing" Brooke says going into a full body shiver. "Damnit" Epic says, she then looks helplessly to Dr. Stevenson, "I'm afraid your on your own here Epic" He says. "Get this thing out of me" Epic places her hand on Brooke's shoulder. "Brooke?" She asks,

"Are you okay?" Brooke pushes her away. "No I'm not, get this god damn thing out of me" "I'm so sorry" Epic says, "But we can't take it out of you right now, we got to get all the medications out of you" "It's fine" Dr. Stevenson says, "It looks like we've goten all of the drugs out of your system" He tells Brooke. As he unleases her from the machine she coughs uncontrolably. "Brooke are you okay?" Epic asks pounding her on the back. "Get away from me" She says, "Get away from me freak" She is once again bawling uncontrollably.

"Brooke listen to me" Dr. Stevenson, "Epic is in no place to diagnose you and she really doesn't know what she's talking about" "It sounds like she knows" Brooke wails. "What else could possibly be wrong with me?" "Well Brooke do you have a family history of Insomnia?" Epic asks. "No" Brooke says, "I don't even have a history of it myself, I've never had Insomnia" "Well then" Epic says, "There you go, you don't have it. It's all in the name Familil means family" "Duh" Brooke says. "Well then why wouldn't the Antethsesia work?" She asks.

"Well their could be a number of factors" Dr. Stevenson explains. "You said you swallowed a bunch of Viagra" "Correct" Brooke says. "Well that's actually known to cause insomnia, so it only makes sense that the large ammount of Viagra would cause that for you" For some unknown reason she does not explain rather can not explain that this is not the first time this happened to her. She knows she probably should this/ would be the perfect oppertunity to do so, she is in a doctors office for god's sake. But she can't. The only thing she can think of that is stopping her she realizes is crippling fear. She is so fearful that she begins shivering uncontrollably.

"Brooke?" Epic asks placing her hands gently on her shoulder. "Are you okay?" Brooke jerks away from her. "No!" She snaps, "You get the hell away from me Epic fail" Epic stairs helplessly at the ground.

"Brooke I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said I didn't think you could hear me" "Why didn't you think I could hear you?" She snaps, "You know very well that what you gave me didn't work" Epic stares down at the ground. "Brooke I'm sorry" "Well you're not forgiven" Brooke snaps. "I hope you lose your job, I hope you get fired for malpractice, I hope you get sued for every fucking penny you have, and I hope you never get god damn hired for another job ever again. You are a god damn fucking failure. Epic fail"

Epic's eyes become wide and rabitty without saying a word, she rushes out of the room as fast as she can not looking back at her. Brooke shakes uncontrollably with anger and fear. "Brooke?" Dr. Stevenson asks.

"Do you want to talk about this?" Brooke shakes her head. "There's nothing for me to say that I haven't already said" She says. "Very well then" He says, "A therapist will come in and talk to you soon" He says, He then leaves in a fashoinable manner unlike Epic.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Since meeting Brooke, Hank's life has changed in a huge way. More than one huge way for that matter. Before meeting Brooke Hank was living in his parents basement and was constantly relying on his mother for everything, it was almost like he was in her pouch.

He hardly got out of the house at all and had very few interests in meeting any women. Since he was a kid he had always thought of himself as Asexual.

It had never bothered him, it was what was normal for him, it did however bother his mother. Laurie always tried to set him up on dates with girls and even some guys but none of them interested him in the slightest.

Laurie was always worried he would be alone forever and would be mooching off her and her husband Henry for the rest of his life.

Her other son Trent, who was three years younger then Hank had always been a ladies man and a sexual maniac and Laurie always wanted Hank to follow in his baby brother's footsteps and hopefully learn a few things from Trent, but that never seemed to happen.

But when he finally met Brooke he found that he was not asexual after all he just hadn't met the right person yet. A spark lit up inside him like never before.

He fell very hard for Brooke the second upon meeting her and at the same time she had fallen in love with him the second upon meeting him as well. Not only had she sparked his sexual life but she had also sparked a new chapter of his indipendence from then on he was able to break free from his mother's pouch. He certainly didn't think he'd ever have to call up his mother about relationship problems, but now he is in the waiting room doing just that and feeling like just as much of a mama's boy as ever. Laurie answers on the first ring.

"Hank sweetie, it's 2:00 in the morning" She says. "Mom please don't freak out" He says.

"But I'm at the hospital" "Oh my god Hank are you all right?" Laurie cries she most certainly hasn't kept her promise about not freaking out, "I will be down their right away" "No mom please don't I mean, It's not me, it's Brooke"

"Oh my god, is she all right?" She asks,

"No apparently not, she's actually not doing well at all. She overdosed on a bunch of my Viagra. She was trying to take my Halcion, if she hadn't woken me up to tell me what she'd done then she'd probably be dead" "Oh my god" Laurie cries, "Why would she do that?"

"Because she's really unhappy" He says,

"She was trying to kill herself" "Oh dear" Laurie says, there is a long silence for quite some time.

"Mom?" Hank asks, "You still there"

"Yeah honey" She says, "I am, this might be kind of hard for you to hear right now" "What?" Hank asks, "Well Hank I really hate to break it to you but I kind of" She clears her throat,

" I kind of always thought Brooke seemed a little nutty, but I never got the impression that she was unhappy and I certainly never got the impression that she was suicidal"

"Nutty, what do you mean nutty?" Hank asks, "I don't know" Laurie says, "It doesn't matter. I really like her. She's been really great for you" "I want to know what you mean" He says stubornly.

"Hey it doesn't matter" Laurie says again, "No it does" Hank protests. Laurie sighs. "Honey I just didn't want to say anything about it because she's always been my favorite one of your girlfriends and I know she's so special to you and like I just said I really like her and I think she's been really great for you in fact I think she's been the best thing that's ever happened to our family"

"Favorite of my girlfriends huh?" Hank asks, he hates it when she calls her that, she thinks it's amusing but he does not, she knows very well that he's never had any other girlfriends or anything even close to others. "She's my only girlfriend" "Well yes honey I know that" Laurie says. She is not making any of this easy.

"She's your first and only girlfriend you really love her and I really love her she's changed your life in a big way, but she's you know" "Nutty" Hank says.

"Yes a bit" Laurie says, "She's always seemed a little bit out there," "What about her?" Hank asks. "Do we really have to get into this?" Laurie asks, "Well since you brought it up yes why do you think she's out their?" "It doesn't matter" Laurie says, "She cares a great deal about you and that's all that matters" "She does not care a great deal about me god damnit,

she doesn't even care a little bit about me, if she cared about me at all she wouldn't have taken all those pills. She doesn't care about anything anymore" He feels a sickening pain in the pit of his stomach when he realizes something. He is still as in love with her as when he first met her, but she is not in love with him anymore. She does not even love him anymore, he is even starting to question whether she even likes him. He also realizes that while he still loves her he also feels that he has to be with her because he is obligated,

things would be so much easier if he didn't love her anymore so much less complicated, so now he is even more stuck then he thought he was. "Well she must care about you at least a little" Laurie says, "I mean she did tell you about what she did right away and to me it sounds like she must also care quite a bit about staying alive" "Yeah she does, because of some stupid movie" It suddenly occurs to him that he is crying, tears are flowing freely down his cheeks. it also occurs to him that Brooke is shallow and also something else,

Brooke is human, for two years he had been puting her on a pedastole and who could really blame him he had never been in love before she was perfect she could do no wrong, now suddenly she is a real person with flaws. Lots of flaws, but being human does not excuse what she did.

"I'm sure it's not because of some stupid movie" Laurie says, "Don't be ridiculous" "It is" Hank says, "Believe it or not she's that shallow" Laurie bites down hard on her lip. "I'll be right over" She says. "Okay" Hank says, "She'll be released at around 12:00 today" He says, "If her Psych evaluation goes over okay"

"Oh Hank" Laurie says, "I really hope she's okay. I really hope that evalutation goes okay and everything" "Well apparently you don't think she is going to be okay you think she's nutty" "Honey could you please drop that?" Laurie asks. "I really shouldn't have said that" "Tell me the truth mom" Hank says, "Do you really think she's good for me, do you really think she's the best thing that's happened to this family?

I don't think you have any idea how shitty this situation is for me" He doesn't even give her a chance to answer he just hangs up just like that. Maybe she has always seemed nutty, maybe he should have payed closer attention. There were two major things standing in his way however, one being that he had always had trouble reading people and the other that he had always put her on a pedestol obviously.

A Morning nurse let's herself into Brooke's tiny secluded room. "Could I get you anything to eat?" She asks. Brooke looks at the time the clock reads 8:00 AM.

Had really that much time gone by she was pretty sure last she had checked the time it was maybe something like 3:00 in the morning.

Maybe she had fallen asleep after all, she honestly can't remember. She is starting to realize just how hungry she really is, she litterally hasn't eaten in maybe sixteen hours.

"Sure" Brooke says. "Anything you want in particular" the nurse asks

"A sandwich" She says staring at the ground. "Hey don't judge me" She suddenly snaps out of nowhere,

"I can have a sandwich at 8:00 in the morning if I want" The nurse gives her a puzzled look. "I'm sorry" Brooke says becoming all tearfull again. "You weren't judging me were you" "No honey" She says, "Not at all, you can have whatever you want? What would you like in your sandwich?"

"Jelly" Brooke says, "Just jelly"

"You got it" The nurse says,

"Any particular flavor of Jelly?"

"Whatever" Brooke says.

She is now left to wait for what seems like hours, only this time, time seems to be going by even slower as she looks at the clock she sees that only 2 minutes have gone by it is only 8:02. In what seems like almost forever there is a knock at the door.

"Thank you for waiting so patiently" the nurse says letting herself in. She places the sandwich in front of her, "Just jelly as you suggested"

"Thank you" Brooke says as she hungrily bites into it and realizes she is even more hungry then she thought she was. When she bites into it she realizes that something just isn't right. It is not just jelly she feels something moving inside of her mouth she holds the sandwich back and is terrified to see magets, centipieds, spiders, caterpillers, earwigs, beatles and all kinds of other disgusting creepy crawlers making their way out of the two slices of bread. She shreiks loudly and throws the plate against the wall.

"Sweetie? What's wrong?" The nurse asks.

"Are you all right?" Brooke hyperventilates, then gags and vomits.

"Are you all right?" The nurse asks again. Brooke gives her a look of pure betrayal. "I asked for just jelly!" She shriks. She knows that she is sounding like a spoiled little brat but she can't help it, it is not what she asked for obviously. Obviously she did not ask for bugs in her sandwich that would be just absurd.

"Sweetie I don't know what you're talking about" The nurse says.

"This is a perfectly good sandwich I watched them prepare it and I swear they did not put anything else in it besides jelly I promise, no peanut butter,no cream cheese no butter no"

"Creepy crawleries?" Brooke asks in an eerily quiet voice her whole body is shaking uncontrollably. "I beg your pardon?" The nurse asks.

"Creepy Crawleries!" Brooke says again only it's not a question this time and she didn't say it so quietly this time. The nurse gives her another confused look. "I'm afraid I don't understand" She says. "What are you talking about?" Brooke doesn't understand why the nurse is so confused doesn't she see the bugs crawling out every which way of the semi eaten sandwich she has thrown against the wall? She can feel her blood freeze when she realizes that maybe once again she is having hallucsinations. It is the ant infestation all over again. But at the same time it just seems so real to her.

"Y'you don't see them? They're right over there?"

"Sweetie what are you talking about?" The nurse asks,

"The creepy crawlies" Brooke says again like it is the most obvious thing in the world and to her it is the most obvious thing in the world or at least it should be the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about" Now Brooke is more agitated then ever. "Th' the creepy crawlies" She says,

"See!" "No I do not see, I don't see anything, could you tell me what you're reffering to" "You don't see the spiders and centepieds and milipeids and and earwigs and and and and magots?" "I'm afraid not" The nurse says, "Where did you say they were?" "Well in that sandwich snuh!" "Just jelly" She says, picking it up from the wall and placing it next her bedside. Brooke shrieks loudly. "Get it away from me, it scares me get it away from me it scares me I'm scared of it" "Sweetie there's nothing to be scared of it's just a sandwich" Brooke stares at her with eyes full of betrayal, "Don't mock me!" she says in a hurt voice. "I'm not mocking you" The nurse says. "It is not just a sandwich god damnit" Brooke cries. The two of them are silent for a while. "There aren't any creepy crawlies are there?" Brooke finally asks after a really long time.

"I'm afraid not" The nurse says.

"Oh Shit" Brooke says burrying her hands in her face. "God fucking damnit. I'm losing it" She then bursts into loud hysterical tears for about the billionth time that day and probably like the 50 billionth time since her depression started. "I'm losing it" she cries. "God damnit"

"Hey don't worry" The nurse says, "Dr. Layne will be into see you real soon"

"Who's Dr. Layne?" She asks even though she has a pretty good idea of who Dr. Layne might be, there is only one doctor who is guaranteed to see her and that is the Psychiatrist or therapist or Psychologist or whatever fancy word Dr. Stevenson called him. "Well he is the Psychiatric Resident. He's going to preform a Psychological evaluation" "Damn" Brooke cries. Punching down really hard on her pillow. "So is it because I'm crazy, that's it isn't it oh god" She burries her face in the pillow and sobs even harder and even louder she has become quite the expert at sobbing into pillows. The nurse gently strokes her back.

"Sweetie" She says. "You need not take it personally" Brooke stares up at the nurse, her eyes are bright red and her face is wet. "Why shouldn't I?" She asks,

"Why shouldn't I take it personally that you think I'm crazy?" "I don't think any of the sort, It's just a routine we have to go through. We have to do this with all of our suicidal patients here it's just important for them to you know get their heads checked before they can start leaving the hospital" She says, by the way she said 'get your head cecked' or rather 'get there heads checked' referring to all of the suicidal patients it sounded like she most certainly did think she was some sort of crazy. "Does that make sense?" She asks when Brooke doesn't say anything.

Brooke doesn't answer instead she just becomes very indignant and impatient "Why not?" she asks, "What?" The nurse asks. "Why don't you think so?" The nurse turns her head side ways. "Why don't I think so what?" She asks. "Well that I'm crazy snuh!" Brooke says, "Well I do think you'll have a lot to discuss with Dr. Layne" She says. "Oh so you do think I'm crazy" Brooke says accusingly. The nurse blinks her eyes a couple of times. "I, I didn't say that" She sighs heavily. "Look I'm afraid we're really not getting anywhere with this it seems like this conversation is getting rather circuler here" "Well you said I have a lot to talk about with Dr. Layne" Brooke says almost accusingly. "That's basically the same as saying I'm crazy isn't it. You're basically saying that I have a lot to talk about with the Psychiatric resident, so I guess that means I must be crazy obviously"

"I will let you talk more about this with Doctor Layne" The nurse says again, "Technically it isn't really even my place to be talking about such personal issues like this this with you."

"What is a Psychological exam?" Brooke asks. "It isn't a psycological exam it's actually a Psycological evaluation" The nurse tells her " And I'm really not sure what kinds of things it intails seeing that it is not my area of expertice, I'm just a night nurse that's all I do, I'm sure Dr. Layne can answer these questions and clear out any of these concerns a hell of a lot better than I can. If you'd like I could page him right now, if you want to get your evaluation over. do you want that?"

Brooke thinks about it for a while, the sooner the better she supposes. "Sure" She says. "All right" The nurse says, and begins paging a man named Robert Layne. "He will be in momentarily" She says. Brooke has come to found that in the edical profession momentarily does not just mean right away, it means when ever they are done with another patient or making a phone call or finishing up with lunch break whatever business they have to get done before hand, she knows that momentarily means she is going to have to wait for what is going to once again seem like hours but once again time is going to go by very very slowly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"Brooke Meriwether" A tall man with horn rimmed glasses says holding out his hands. Brooke nods. "My name is Dr. Robert Layne, you can call me Robert or Dr. Layne or whichever name you prefer" Brooke nods her head again. "So what's a psychological evaluation?" Brooke asks right away.

"Well very fortunately we're not going to have to worry about that right away." "What is it?" Brooke asks all indignant once again. "Are you going to place a bunch of wires on top of my head and check my brain waves"

"No we're not nothing of the sort, Psychological evalutations more involve talking and interviewing and also some picture interpretation games" Brooke thinks this sounds a lot better then what she had originally thought, but she also knows that the doctor is going to be asking her a shit load of questions and that she is at some point going to have to give him legit answers. She could always lie, she has been the expert at lying her whole entire life, but what if there's a lie detector. She can't help herself now. "Is there a lie detector in this room?" She wants to know. "Absolutely not" He says,

"But like I was saying earlier we're going to get to all the good stuff later. First things first would you like to tell me why your are in here right now?" "Because I'm crazy" Brooke says looking him streight in the eye. "You really think so?" "Brooke Hey" He asks, "I asked you a question why do you think you're here?" as it turns out she has just imagined the entire conversation, no conversation has actually taken place. None whatsoever. She can feel her blood turn to ice once again.

"Are you all right Brooke?" Dr. Layne says, "You looked like you were somewhere else for a second." "No" Brooke says, "I was right here" Right there answering the question and having the conversation it all seemed so real did it not really happen. She's crazy.

"You sure about that? Okay you with me? Why do you think you are here?" As crazy as she is she is not going to say it's because she is crazy. The idea of being locked up in a state hospital sounded more then ideal at first but now she is starting to have second thoughts about it, she probably wouldn't get to come home when she needed, she wouldn't get to see people outside of the crazy house ever again, she probably would be on a locked ward and it would most definitely be quite a lot like prison. Right now she just wants to be at home in her own room in her own bed. She will just try to make sure that she gives Hank plenty of space until he is no longer angry with her. She takes a deep breath and clears her throat. "I'm hear because I overdosed on my boyfriends perscription drugs" She tells him. "Was it any kind of specific drug?" Dr. Layne asks. Brooke freezes in place for a while.

"Viagra" She says in a small voice. Dr. Layne begins jotting down onto his note pad. "I see" He says, "And is there any particular reason for why you chose Viagra over all things?" Brooke bites down hard on one of her nails. "I didn't chose it" She says. "I mean" She clears her throat prefusely. "I was trying to overdose on Halcion. It was dark out and I couldn't see what I was taking" Dr. Layne nods and she is very gratefull that he hasn't told her that what she has done is epically stupid because it really seriously is. "That's a very powerful hypnotic how many did you take?" Dr. Layne says,

"25" Brooke says staring helplessly at the ground "I take it you just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up" "Kind of yeah" Brooke says, "Except for the never waking up part, I know a lot of your patients here are suicidal, but all wanted was to get some sleep I hadn't been sleeping in days maybe weeks even, I just wanted to sleep that's all." "Well I take it the Viagra didn't help" "No not at all" She says, "Well that of course doesn't surprise me. So Brooke let's move on to a different question why don't we. Why haven't you been sleeping?"

"I guess it's because I'm so depressed" "Ah" Dr. Layne says, "Insomnia and Depression often times go hand in hand. "Either I'm online looking at depression forums, or I'm just lying awake crying or thinking about how unfair my life is" Dr. Layne continues to write down on his note pad. "Brooke have you had a history of Depression?" He asks. Brooke rings her hands nervously. "It's the strangest thing" She says, "I haven't started feeling depressed since, since exactly december 3rd and now I just can't seem to snap out of it, every day it either get's worse or it just doesn't get better" He then asks one of her least favorite question in the world. "So on December 3rd did something happen to trigger this out of nowhere depression?" She knows she should get angry but for some reason she just doesn't feel the energy. She just stares at the ground and shakes her head. She then looks at him again. "What day is today?" She asks just so she could have a better idea of how long her depression has been going on,

"June 1" he says, "Seriously?" Brooke asks, where the hell has all the time gone, time seems to fly but at the same time it seems to drag by, "December, January, February, March, April, May, June" She says,

"Holy shit I've been depressed for 7 months now? Holy fucking shit why isn't it better?" "Well are you taking any medications?" He asks, "None" She says, "I'm starting my first anti depressant Trintellix today" "Oh that's a really good drug to start with although most people like to start with something milder like Prozac, if your a fan of the more hard core stuff Trintellix would be the one" He says, "It's a life changer/life saver for so many people" Now she is feeling some hope and even more knowing that she is going to be getting them just later today. "Well Depression usually doesn't go away all by itself, it usually takes the combinations of drugs and therapy to help it along it's way, have you been going to any thereapy, "I went to one Therapy session" She says,

"Just last week" "Well" Dr. Layne says, "Just keep going and keep taking the pill and I think your depression could very well make it's way into remission" She smiles a tiny little smile. "You really think so?" She asks, "Do you have a specific therapist you work with?" He asks, "Yes" Brooke says, "Her name is Pam Meyers, she has a private practice" "I've heard of her, she's a very popular therepist a lot of my patients really benifit from her. I think you're going to be just fine Brooke" He says giving her a quick squeeze of the knee. "However" He says, "We're still going to need to preform a Psychological evaluation"

"What why?" Brooke moans, "You just said I was doing great?" "I'm so sorry" He says, "But it's mandatory, it won't take very long and it will be relitively painless I promise" "Oh kay" Brooke says. "First things first Brooke" He says, "Have you ever played the game word association?" It is actually one of her favorite games to play with Lo and Ruby when they were much younger the three of them get so into it, it's crazy. she assumes this is going to be quite a bit different quite a lot less fun. Brooke nods. "Okay so just to jog your memory then" Dr. Layne says, "I'm going to say a word and your going to say the first thing that pops into your head that you associate with that word, it doesn't have to just be one word, it could be a phrase, it could be multiple words it could be a sentance it could be multiple sentences just whatever you need to say say it." Well this is sure a whole lot different then anything she does with Lo and Ruby but she supposes really how could it not be, it is for one thing in a completely different setting, a clinical settting with a doctor rather then a fun setting with your two bff's "all right should we start?" Brooke nods. "All right he says, what I'm going to do is read one of these words okay?" She nods again. "All right let's begin" He says, he then reads the first word off his list.

"Sister" At once Brooke thinks of Paige there is really only one way to describe her. "Fucking bitch" She says. He scribbles a few things down and then moves on. "All right the next word is Sex" "Nonexixtant" Brooke responds. He continues jotting down on his notes, "Okay Friends" He says, "Intrusive" Brooke says he gives her a puzzled look but continues to jot them down. "Internet" Is his next word. "The only thing that's keeping me sane" "Interesting" he says scribbling down the notes, we have about five more to go before we get to the next segment. "Familiy" "Not to blame for any of this" He nods his head slowly as if he has never heard such interesting answers although of course he has he has been doing this for many years and has much much more troubled people then Brooke. "Happy" he says "A thing of the past" "Drugs" "The Way Out"

"Movies" "Not Interesting" He scribbles uncontrollably for a while before he get's to the last one. "Depression" He finally says, "I'm worthless" She says sadly kicking her feet. Dr. Layne closes his journal. "So what I got from this is that you're a very troubled person, you have all the classic symptoms to clinical depression. You took pretty reletively nuetral things and turned them into a negative, that's often times how the depressed mind works. It causes you to see things through a negative lense does that make sense. Brooke shrugs. "Yeah kind of I guess" She says. "All right" Dr. Layne says, "I guess we should probably get to our next part of this evaluation and then I can let you go" "Sure" Brooke says, "All right so Brooke are you familiar with Pareidolia?" "Oh my?" Brooke says placing her hand against her check. "Is that some kind of mental condition I have?" Dr. Layne chuckles which isn't by any means a mean sounding chuckle just a genuine chuckle maybe he get's that question all the time with his patients who knows. "It does sound like it could be" He says, "But no not at all, I'm talking about finding objects in pictures"

"You mean like the magic eye" Brooke had gotten that from a great uncle and she still has never been able to figure it out. It frustrates her. "This is going to be a little bit easier on the eyes" He says apparently also knowing of the magic eye series. "I'm going to show you a series of cloud pictures and you are going to tell me what you see" She remembers owning a super old book which she found to be a somewhat creepy book from when she was a little girl that was called Sometimes it looked like spilt milk. The twist at the end of the book was that everything was a cloud in the sky. She still can't fully understand why the book creeped her out and she is not sure she will ever get much of an understanding, just kids, that's as good an explaination as any but somehow this card game makes her think of that and it sent chills down her spine as an adult.

"All right Brooke" He says as he holds a picture of a cloud with a dark blue back ground in front of her face. "Tell me what you see" She squints really hard but she really can't see much of anything at all besides just a blob. "Uh" She says, "Just take your time" She keeps looking at it then she definitely sees a shape and it is not a shape she likes it is as a matter a fact a shape that causes her blood once again to become ice and her eyes turn wide.

"Are you all right Brooke?" Dr. Layne asks. She clears her throat. "Th'the grim reaper?" She says in an earily quiet voice. She has gotten custom to sounding earily quiet. "Interesting" Dr. Layne says. "Oh god" Brooke says placing her hand tightly to her chest and begins hyperventilating. "Are you all right?" Dr. Layne asks again. Brooke wipes the beed of sweat from her forehead. "Oh my god you must think I'm really disturbed, seeing the grim reaper in this what was the word for it?" "Pareidolia?" "Yeah that" Brooke says, although she's not even sure she would call that phenomenon Parieidolia, It's more like she was staring at a blank cloud and then suddenly it morphed not morphed completely warped before her eyes into a completely different shape. It was not Pariedolia it was another god damn hallucsination. Pariedolia was clearly not a mental condition as she discovered, it was a phenomenon that happened with everyone, but what was happening with her was not a phemomenon that happened with everyone not even close. "On to the next picture then?" Dr. Layne asks. "Yeah sure" Brooke says. He then shows her the next picture. "What do you see" She squints for a really long time but no matter how hard she tries all she can see is just a cloud she knows for a fact that is not normal. While Pariadoilia is completely normal, the absense of pariadoilia is clearly not. "Take your time" Dr. Layne says.

"Some people have alot of trouble figuring out what it is that they see" She nods, "All I can see is a cloud" She says. Dr. Layne jots down a couple of notes before moving on to the next card. "Actually" Brooke says, "Could we keep trying with this one?" "If you'd like" Dr. Layne says returning the previous card in front of her face. Once again the same thing that had happened with the last card happens again. It morphs/warps and to make it even worse it morphs/warps into the exact same shape. She covers her eyes. "Brooke are you all right?" Dr. Layne asks again. She does not dare say the grim reaper. "Th'the ghost of Christmas future" She says. "Awe" Dr. Layne says, "Well educated in literature I see" Brooke makes a face, she does not have to be well educated in literature to know who the god damned Ghost of Christmas future is. Everyone knows who he is, he is the ghost who hides behind the cloak and points to Scrooges grave and doesn't talk. For gods sake every one in the English speaking language knows that god damn Christmas Carol. Hell even people who are not well educated in literature know it hence all the god damn movie adeptations and television spoofs. "Well I'm glad you think I'm well educated in literature because I know something litterally everyone knows, thank you. I want to stop playing this stupid card game" "Well I think we could pretty much call it done anyway" Dr. Layne says, "I think I have a pretty good picture of who Brooke Meriwether is"

"And who is Brooke Meriwether?" Brooke asks, now that she has asked the question she really isn't sure she wants to know the answer. Dr. Layne clears his throat. "Brooke Meriwether is a very sad young woman" He says, "Who seems to have all the classic signs of a depressive disorder with some suicidal tendancies" "So that's who I am?" She asks, "I'm just a cluster of mental dissorders" "I didn't say that" Dr. Layne says, "No you're not a cluster of mental dissorders you are a person with a cluster of mental dissorders, well I wouldn't even say a cluster of mental dissorders just clincal depression but I wouldn't worry because it's both treatable and managable" "Well there is trintellex" She says, "Yes that's a good treatment" Dr. Layne says, "But I want you to know that that is not the only treatment option, far from in fact Brooke, there are a lot of things you can do on your own" "Thanks" Brooke says, "But I don't think I have depression" "Oh?" Dr. Layne asks, "May I ask why you say that?"

"Because if I had it I'd have had it my whole life" She says, "I see" Dr. Layne says leaning back in his chair and placing his note pad next to the him. "That's the thing about depression, it's not a picky and choosey type of disease it can strike anyone at any time for any reason and as you far well know it sometimes strikes people for no reason at all" "So why me and why now?" She asks, Dr. Layne just shrugs, "That's just the way it goes sometimes he says, but as I was saying treatment" "Yes yes" Brooke says more eager then ever. "What can I do?" "Well as you know your perscription medication isn't going to start kicking in right away" Dr. Layne says. She knows this, she knows this all too well, she has heard that from Pam and pretty much every depression and anti deprassant forum she has gone on. "Is it possible that it could start working the second I take it?" She asks "Well actually if it starts working the second you take it, then you should be worried" Dr. Layne says "Why should I be worried?" She asks. "That would be like really great"

"And it would also mean that something's terribly wrong" Dr. Layne explains. "Anti depressants aren't meant to work like that, they're supposed to take time to build up in your system. Maybe some day in the future there will be an anti depressant that will work that way but for now that's just not how their supposed to work" He pushes his glasses up to his face. "Have you ever heard of something called the honeymoon effect?" He asks. She thinks that it sounds kind of familiar and that maybe she has read about it on one of the anti depressant forums. She just shrugs her shoulders. "Well a lot of patients think they're pills are kicking in the second they take them they feel better then they ever have in their lives, they get kind of an elated feeling" "How on earth is that a bad thing?" Brooke asks. "Well because it doesn't last, and I'm sure you can imagine the feeling of coming down after such a high it's a huge let down it's frustrating." Suddenly she remembers where she has heard of the honeymoon effect, or at least the closest thing to the honeymoon effect, IAMSAD had mentioned waking up feeling an strange elation of course that was after a couple of months of being on the medication so she's really not sure if that counts as the same thing. She does realize how god damn frustrating that would be

"You have to understand something Brooke" Dr. Layne says pushing his glasses forward. It annoys her how his glasses keep falling down and he keeps having to push them back down, every damn little thing annoys her, if the pills kicked in right away she wouldn't have to feel so damn annoyed. "What's that?" She asks. He clears his throat. "You have to understand that the medications are supposed to work gradually and that it's going to be a very slow process." She sighs heavily.

"Sorry to break it to you kid" Dr Layne says patting her on the shoulder, "I'm just telling you what to expect. In the beginning you're going to notice very subtle differences but differences none the less" She scowls hard she doesn't want them to work gradually, she doesn't want gradually, nor does she want subtle she wants them to work instantly and drastically "They're not supposed to work entirely at once but when they do work you will know that they're working, A lot of times while the patient themselves doesn't see the difference other people do" "That's frustrating" She says. There is one thing she knows for sure about who Brooke Meriwether is, Brooke Meriwether is someone who is good at faking she has spent months and months puting on a damn good show for people, so other people wouldn't exactly be the best sourse. If other people think she's doing better it could very well be because she is puting on an act. It is then when she realizes that she doesn't fake it anymore and she hasn't been faking it since the day the trintellex commercial came on TV. She's an open book now. "Yes it can be frustrating" Dr. Layne agrees, "But it's also a good sign, it means your headed in the right direction" He clears his throat. "All right so other options" He says,

"Do you ever journal your feelings?" "No" She says. The closest thing she has had to a journal was her long posts on the depression forum. "There you go then, Journal your feelings, keep a journal with you everywhere you go, journal journal journal" "What if I don't feel like journaling?" She asks folding her arms across her chest. "Well that's okay" Dr. Layne says, "You don't have to journal every day just when ever you feel like it" "What am I supposed to write about?" She asks, "Whatever you want" Dr. Layne says. "You could write about your bad feelings, you could write about your good feelings just write whatever you feel it's all for yours and you certainly don't have to show anyone not unless you want to" "I think I'll try that" She says. "So you said you started getting depressed in December?" He asks. She nods. "December 3rd" She says, "Why is that so important?"

"Well some people get depressed during a certain time of year" "Well I never get depressed so I don't think that's really my problem, becides it's not December anymore it's June" He jots down his notes anyway. "Well some people get more depressed over the summer" He says, "Either way I have something for you that you might benifit from regaurdless" He pulls out a small screen. "A computer?" She asks. "Not exactly" He says, "This is called a light therapy board, it just shows a bunch of bright lights across the screen" "What exactly am I supposed to do with it?" "You're just supposed to look at it" He says. "I'm supposed to stare at a blank screen with lights how on earth is that going to help?" "Wanna give it a try?" He asks. She sighs heavily.

"Sure why not" She says. She stares at the screen for a while so far it does nothing but bores her. Objectively she would probably find it to be pretty darn cool any other time any time before December 3rd, it does make a nice pattern "Not helping" She says tossing it on her bed "Brooke" Dr. Layne says, "You need to listen to me okay?"

"About what?" She asks. "There's not a quick fix here Brooke" He says, "Nothing's going to work right away" "Damn" She says quietly. "What else is there?" She asks, "If I tell you, you're going to have to realize that they're not going to work right away" "I realize" She says glumly. "Well you could try taking fish oil supplements and maybe ginko biloba" She vagualy remembers Ginko Biloba from when her 5th grade teacher mentioned it after returning from Central America over the summer, she remembered it had some benifits in memory, maybe it would help with her memory problems she was having lately of course those memory problems could very well be linked to depression. "Also their are some foods that can help with depression do you like pomegrants"

"What are pomegrants?" She asks "You've never eaten a pomegrant?" He asks, "I've never heard of one" She says, "What is one?" He get's out his computer and shows her a picture, "That looks weird how are you supposed to eat it?" "You eat the seeds" He tells her. "Well I'll eat that every day" She says. "You could try that" he says, "Also fish can be good for it, if you'd like I could recomend the medetaranian diet" "Sure" She says, "Anything. Anything"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Laurie meets Hank in the waiting room. "How's she doing?" She asks her son, "Well probably nutty as ever" Hank says, Laurie bites down on her lip. "Oh Hank" She says, "Could we please just forget that I said that" "Well no" Hank says, "I want to know what you meant" Laurie continues to bite her lip.

"Hank I don't want to pick a fight here, and I don't think I'll be able to say what I'm going to say without us getting into one. So let's just let it be okay? The important thing is that Brooke is safe and she cares about you" "Just say it" Hank says, Laurie wrings her hands furiously. "I really didn't want to say this" She said,

"Because I knew Brooke meant a lot to you, but well she's always seemed to be a bit of an enigma or loose ideas wrapped into tangled rubber band ball of a mess" He hates the way she is just walking around this whole thing instead of just coming out and saying what she really thinks. She should just say it Brooke's a mess that's obviously what she says, "That's a bad thing isn't it?" He asks. "Well no not neccessarily it's just that I've never really understood her, she's just always been such a weird character to me" "She's not a character she's a real person" Hank says his voice raising. "Well you know what I mean, she's so introverted yet she'll have sex with anybody she choses to be a prostetute she choses to be an Au Pare, she choses to read Aura's she just choses all these people oriented jobs but she's the most introverted person I've ever met"

"What are you saying mom?" Hank asks. "Hank please don't get mad at me" Laurie says her voice sounding now like kind of a helpless whisper, "I just never thought any of her characteristics added up" "Hey be fair she's 24, she still has her whole life to figure out who she is, I don't know any 24 year olds who are completely together, as a matter a fact I don't really know any human beings who aren't what did you say she was an enigma or loose ideas wrapped into tangled rubber band ball of a mess. It's the god damn truth human beings are just complicated" Laurie puts her hands up to her eyes. "Oh Hank" She says. When she removes her hands he sees that it is clear that she's been crying a little. She squeezes his shoulder.

"Honey please don't be mad at me for saying this" She says, "I'm already mad at you" He says, "I'm sure whatever you have to say now isn't going to make me any less mad then what you've already said" Laurie clears her throat.

"Hank sweetie" She says, "When I ordered you that sex party, I only wanted you to lose your virginity that's all I wanted I thought that maybe once you'd lost your virginity you'd just become a more open person and eventually you'd find someone to fall in love with of course we doubted it since we always knew you were probably asexual,"

"Apparently not, apparently I just haven't met the right person and now I have" "Right" Laurie says "I guess your father and I were just trying to give you a push in the right direction I didn't expect you to fall in love with her. This was never supposed to happen" "So what is this, are you judging her because she's a prostitute is that it? Because for gods sake mom she's not any more." "I know that honey and I'm not trying to be judgmental. I just didn't think this was going to happen" She says, "No one falls in love with prostitutes it's absurd I'm sorry honey no offense. I'm just sorry it had to happen this way and I'm sorry it's had to come to this I feel like maybe I let you grow up a little too fast, maybe if I waited and didn't force you to lose your virginity so fast maybe things would have been a little bit different" She says stroking his arm. "You mean when I was 35 and living at home and you ordered a sex party for me? That was letting me grow up too fast?" "I think I should have protected you from the real world a little longer" She says. Hank backs away. And for your information I did fall in love with her it did happen I feel down hard for her" "I know you did honey" She says rubbing his leg

"And god damnit I'm still in love with her and I can't leave her because she's in such a terrible state of mind that if I leave her I might never see her again because she might actually kill herself." Tears are now flowing freely down his cheeks. "Oh god" He moans. "It would be so much easier if I wasn't still in love with her" Laurie shakes her head as tears leak out of her eyes. She pushes Hanks hair back and kisses him on the forehead. "Oh sweetie" She says, "I can't believe you can't see it" She says. "See what?" he asks, "What is there to see? What is it that I'm supposed to be seeing?"

"She's minipulating you. She's taking advantange of you. She's a little leech" Hank jerks away. "She is not!" He snaps. "Oh Hank" Laurie moans, "Please keep it down you're making a scene, I told you I didn't want to pick a fight why couldn't you have let it go" "Well if you didn't want to pick a fight then why did you try to pick a fight on the phone, you said that you thought she was nutty in my book that is most certainly trying to pick a fight. Also when I called you on the phone you said you really liked her and that she was the best thing that happened to me she was the best thing that's happened to my life did you not say that?" Laurie sighs heavily. "Did you not say that?" Hank asks again. "I guess I just didn't really have much time to think about the situation" Laurie says, "I thought it was great how indipenedent you had become from your father and I, but maybe now that it's come to this, maybe it's not such a good thing after all." Hank shakes his head,

"I really shouldn't have called you" He says, "I really shouldn't have got you involved in this at all, I should have delt with this by myself. After all I'm not exactly in your pouch anymore" Laurie folds her arms tightly over her chest. "Oh don't be ridiculous Henry" She says. "You were never in my pouch I'm not a marsupial" Hank throws back his head in exhasperation.

"Obviously I didn't mean literally. Obviously I meant figuratively." "Oh I see" Laurie says figuratively. "Well now it sounds like your in figuratively in her pouch instead is that how you want it to be?" "Shut up Mom!" Hank snaps, "You have no idea what you're talking about, you have no idea what's been going on" "I know she's minipulating you and she's stealing from you do you want to be stuck with that person forever?" "I love her, I'm in love with her, I care about her way too much, I care about her so much it hurts" He cries. "I'm sorry I'm not asexual like you and dad always thought I was," "You know ever since you were really little we somehow knew you were asexual, I'm not sure how we knew we just got the sense, we had a hard time accepting it but now I wish we'd been more accepting because I think this love thing is really ruining your life" For a long while the two of them are silent as if they have said all they have needed to say. Hank is finally the first to break the silence.

"I love her so much" He says, "But at the same time I absolutely hate her, I hate her god damnit. How is it even possible to love someone and hate someone at the same time?" "You know Hank love is a lot more complicated then you think" Of course Hank wouldn't understand that since being an asexual all his life he is a newb to the whole love thing. "She wasn't always so nutty you know" He says. "At least I didn't see it" "But she was on edge for quite a long time wasn't she?" Laurie says. "Since December 3rd" He says, "She was very specific about it" Laurie sighs heavily.

"Hank I want you to talk to her about this okay?" "Are you kidding?" Hank asks, "She's in such a bad state, you have to go easy on her" "And that's not fair" Laurie says, "You listen to me Henry and you listen to me good okay? If you don't talk to her about this then I will" "Mom no" Hank says, "Don't I'm begging you, you better not do this" He grabs on to her arm and firmly holds her back. "Get off of me son" Laurie snaps.

"Where did you say Brooke's room is" "I don't know" Hank says he feels like any second he is going to have explosive diahriah in his pants. "Then we'll ask the front desk" Laurie says, "Mom you can't do this" Hank begs and pleads. "Why can't I?" Laurie asks, "Because she's vulnerable" Hank says. "You're really going to hurt her feelings, "You can't just say that stuff to someone who just tried to take their life" "Well you know what Hank I don't care. It's not my job to baby her now is it? It's not my job to use kids gloves with her now tell me where she is" "I told you I don't know" Hank says, "Bye now!" "What do you mean?" Laurie asks, "Where are you going?" "I'm not going anywhere" Hank says, "But you are" "Oh no I'm not Laurie says" "Mom I'll talk to her I promise, I'll take care of it" "Somehow I don't think you will" Laurie says. Just like that he is back in her pouch. "Why don't you think I will?" "Because you think she needs to be treated with kids gloves" Laurie says. "She does she's really in a bad state" Hank says. "I don't care" Laurie says. "I don't care what state of mind she's in" She goes up to the front counter and Hank follows her like a helpless shadow which is exactly what he feels like. "Excuse me" Laurie says to the receptionist "Could you tell me where Brooke Meriwether is?" She asks,

"What is your relationship to Brooke Meriwether?" The receptionist asks, "Does it really matter?" Laurie asks. "She's my mom and I'm her husband" Hank says, "All right" the receptionist says, "She's on the third floor in room 6B." "Thank you" Laurie says hastily. "C'mon Hank let's go" She says. Hank continues following her. "May I help you?" An afternoon nurse asks. "We're here to see Brooke Meriwether." Laurie says. "She's right this way" the nurse says leading her to the far end. "Brooke" The nurse says you have a couple of visitors. "Hello Brooke" Laurie says shortly. "How are you doing? Are you mentally okay?" She sounds like she is pulling teeth, but it sounds like since Hank is there she is using kid gloves after all at least for now.

"What do you mean?" Brooke asks. "Well you know you did take a bunch of my son's viagra and all that" "I actually think I am" She says. "Okay good" Laurie says, "Hopefully you're mentally okay enough to hear what I'm about to say" Brooke shrugs her shoulders. Laurie clears her throat. "Where to begin" She says, "Oh my god where do I even begin. You are a disgusting minipulitive bitch. You've turned my sweet inocent son's life into a complete nightmare and he can't break up you because for some reason he fucking loves you. God knows why you're such a mess. You're a dirty prostitute but at the same time a reserved introvert who probably wouldn't give my son or anyone else the time of day if you weren't doing it for money. You don't care about people at all you just see them as objects to fuck. You basically just fail to make sense as a human being" "Mom stop it" Hank says. "Hank" Laurie says holding out her hand, "Stay out of this, I'm not done" and it is true she is far from done. "You are a shallow bitch and I know the only reason you stayed alive had nothing to do with loving my son, it had to do with the fact that you saw a movie"

"You told her that Hank?" She asks sounding hurt. Hank stares helplessly at the ground. "No inturuptions please" Laurie snaps. "My son loves you but you don't give a shit about him, you don't give a shit about anything because you are just an empty shell of a human being with nothing that even comes close to anything that even remotely resembles a personality" Brooke blinks her eyes a couple of times no tears come out, she is too stunned to cry she knows she should be bawling her eyes out but somehow she is not. Somehow she is unable to cry. "Mom just get out of here" Hank snaps, "Get the fuck out of here" "I'm not done" Laurie says, "There's one more god damn important thing I have to say to you. Hank breaks up with you" "What?" Hank snaps. "You heard me" "Mom!" He snaps, "I never said I wanted to break up with her" "Beleive me Hank" Laurie says, "You'll be thanking me for this later" "Get the fuck out of my life, I was doing fine without you" "Well obviously not obviously you called me" Laurie says "I'm sorry I ever called you. I promise I will never call you about anything ever again in fact I never want to see you ever again. GET OUT!" With that he pushes her out of the hospital room and slams the door right in her face. Brooke sits there looking disturbed still not a wet eye.

"You okay?" Hank asks. She shivers and curls up in fetal possition. "She didn't

mean any of it" He says. "I told her to go easy on you she just wouldn't listen to me" "Do you really want to break up with me?" She asks in a soft voice. He sits up close to her. "No" He says, "We've talked about this I already said I didn't" "Why not?" She asks "Everything she said about me is true, I don't have anything close to a personality"

"Oh man Jesus Christ" Hank says burrying his hands in his face. "I am a dirty prostitute, I don't make sense as a human being"

"God damnit Brooke your such a martyr stop being such a god damn martyr I can't take it" Apparently she is not done going, "I can't help it" She moans, "Your mom's just right, she's so right about everything. I probably wouldn't give you the time of day if you didn't pay me" "Gee thanks Brooke" He says, "Thanks a god damn lot bitch. I'm so glad to hear what you really think of me"

She immidiatly covers her mouth with her hand. "Oh my god Hank I didn't mean that. That's one of the things she said that wasn't true" "So I'm just like every other guy you fuck?" Hank asks. "No that's not what I mean, that's not what I mean at all. I didn't mean that. "Please don't be mad" She says, "It was just a slip of the tongue that's all it was" "I'm going to get myself a coffee" He says, "Cool could you get me one?" Brooke asks trying to sound non chalant as if such a conversation never took place. "No" He says, "I'm just going to get one for myself and then I was going to get out of here" "So this is it, you do break up with me" "I don't know if that's possible" He says, "Hank" She whines "I'll make it up to you I promise, I'll be better" "You know at this point it's going to take an awful lot for you to make it up to me" "I know" She says, "What is it you want me to do, I'll do it anything, I'll do anything for you to forgive me anything, anything, anything" "Damnit Brooke" He says throwing back his head, "I shouldn't be telling you what I want you should be able to come up with it on your own" "Well you know what I promise I'll be better once I'm on Trintellex and all these other things that are going to cure my depression, I'll work on myself I'll work really hard on myself"

"Good" He says, "Work on yourself, maybe while you're working on yourself we could take a break"

"So we are breaking up. You do break up with me" "I don't know" He says, throwing his head back, "I really don't know it's complicated" He realizes that she probably wouldn't miss him too much if he did break up with her after all he means as much to her as all the other guys she had sex with which is absolutely nothing, he just means a whole lot more money. Somewhere deep down, deep deep down he knows that she didn't mean it, but she still said it and that's what hurts. She doesn't love him. She never has. That's basically what she said and that's basically what he heard. Seemingly she has read his mind. "I really didn't mean what I said" She says, "When I said everything she said about me was right I didn't mean EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING!" "Don't act like I read into it wrong, that was one of the examples you gave, you said she was right about that" "Well it was a slip of the tongue"

"Well it was a very hurtfull slip of the tongue" "Yeah well it was a slip of the tongue none the less" She says, "And I'm really sorry" They are silent after that there is nothing more to say what could they say. "Well slip of the tongue or not" Hank finally says, "You don't love me anymore, I can tell that you don't love me anymore. If you were in love with me or even cared about me at all for that matter then you sure as hell wouldn't have gone and done what you done now would you" She stares helplessly. "You know you really shouldn't take it personally, it's not just you I don't love anyone I'm asexual now" So just like that they have basically switched sexual identities, "And I don't just mean asexual as in I'm not attracted to you or anyone else I mean asexual as in I don't like anything anymore, I'm not interested in anything. I'm not attracted to anything. I have no interests I will again once I start taking the medications I promise" Now he is offended. "Listen Brooke" He says, "As someone whose been asexual almost all my life I find that very offensive." "What?" She asks, "Just how wrong you are getting the whole concept of asexuality. Asexual does not mean having no interests Brooke! I had pleanty of interests whilst being asexual a ton of interests thank you very much" Brooke hides his face in her pillow. "Damn" She cries.

"DAMN" She shouts even louder. "Damn damn damn." She tries to work up some good tears but somehow she can't usually that is not a problem for her, she is convinced that she is all cried out she has cried out all her tears in the last 6 months over inappropriate things and now she has every reason to cry and she can't even shed a single tear. She punches her pillow and stares up at Hank. "I can't say anything right can I? Every time I say anything. Maybe I should just stop talking shouldn't I?" "Jesus Christ" Hank says throwing his head back in exhasperation. "What about him?" She asks. She really knows how to wear a person down.

"UGGHHHH!" Hank moans. "You're annoying!" He snaps, "You are so god damn annoying!" Just when she thought she was unable to cry it is then when the waterworks start. Really start. She is bawling over the mildest insult that is is annoying but she was unable to cry about any of Laurie's insult which as everybody could see were a hell of a lot worse.

"Awe Man!" Hank says, she is blubbering now just blubbering if there is such thing as a babbling brook then there most certainly is such thing as a blubbering Brooke and it is sitting right in front of Hank and he doesn't feel sorry for it/her. He doesn't feel sorry for her and he feels terrible for not feeling sorry for her. He hates how god damn confusing the whole thing has to be. Why does love have to be so confusing? Why couldn't he have just stayed asexual.

A pang arises in his stomach as he comes to the realization that he kind of in a strange way enjoyed watching his mother rip her to shreds even if he defended her, he still enjoyed it. He enjoyed watching her assassinate her character to high heaven. Deep down he had wanted to say all of that himself he had just never had the courage.

Once again he feels guilty for thinking that. His feelings of love for her are standing in the way.

God damnit. He shouldn't love her so much he shouldn't give a damn about her, he shouldn't even like her, as his mother has put it, she is a dirty personality free prostitute he doesn't even remember if that was how she put it but she might as well have put it that way after all she had said every single one of those things. he is beginning to think that that is what she is regaurdless he is still in love with her, madly in love with her. Damnit. He really does wish he was still asexual more then anything in the world at being asexual was so much less complicated. "I'm so sorry Hank" She sobs, "I'm sorry I'm annoying, I'm sorry I'm boring, I'm sorry I'm a prostitute" He can't help but to smirk at that one. "Did you just say you were sorry you were a prostitute?"

She shrugs. "Um yeah?" She says shyly. "That's pretty funny" He says. She takes it way the wrong way. She laughs way too hard through her tears although her laughter sounds very much forced since she is so god damn unhappy now she also wrongly seems to think that she is forgiven. "I'm so glad this fight is over" She says finally. "Thank god you're not mad at me anymore" He backs away from her bed. "What makes you think I'm not mad at you anymore?" He asks. "Well you're joking with me" She says, "That's a pretty good sign isn't it" "I don't really think anyone's joking with anyone" He says.

"This clearly isn't a joking situation now is it" "No" She says helplessly staring at the ground. "I guess it's not" The two of them are once again in complete and utter silence. She wrings her hands nervously waiting for him to say something anything. "I really don't know how to say this" He says finally. "But" He breaths heavily, his heart pounding hard against his chest. She somehow has a pretty good idea of what's coming. "I'll tell you what we can go to the appointment together this afternoon and streighten this out with Dr. Williams and see what he has to say but after that" Her eyes widen.

"After that WE ARE THROUGH!" Her stomach does a back flip and then a foreward flip. "W'what?" She asks. "You heard me" He says, "We are through!" Her mouth begins moving but she is unable to form a single word.


End file.
